If it is somehow cool in your apartment, do not leave and do not open the windows WHATSOEVER. If it is otherwise, leave! GO RIGHT NOW. If you have guests, serve one round of ice cold drinks then politely inform them that they are each on their own. If you have one personal guest, good for you. Such a great excuse to get to know each other better.

It so happens, and to remind you, I have air conditioning, central air, in my condominium apartment. And Ethel’s granddaugher is visiting—the doctor, not the waitress, not that there’s anything wrong with being a waitress, but still, a radiologist.

When back at your place, if neighbours across the way, in the building next door, should stare at you as you stand there in your briefs with the freezer door open by night, you go on ahead and stare right back. It’s your place, you pay your rent– And why are they watching you anyway? Who are these people eating popcorn and watching you in your underwear at night? Also, are any of them women and decent women at that? If so, maybe wave a little. P.S., After putting on shorts.

If you find yourself lying down but unable to sleep, put ice and water in a green turtle pool at the foot of your bed. Let your feet hang over the edge of the bed and then sink them into the water. Do not remove your feet, however cold, for a full five minutes. Have a towel ready at the foot of your bed. Remove your feet, pull back up to the bed and place them on the towel. Sleep will come. But if it doesn’t, or doesn’t quite, take a selfie. Look at it. Really look. And ask yourself: Is this how your want to live? In case I’m not being clear: Get married already.

By day, seek out quality shade. You know what makes good shade? Trees. You know what makes better shade? A bunch of trees. You know who’s got that? People with backyards. You know who’s got a backyard? Married people. Married people with children and regular employment who have gone off to the suburbs, that’s who.

If at some point in the remaining days of summer a young lady should go into your un-air-conditioned apartment and allow you to touch her in any way, any way whatsoever, marry her immediately.

To repeat, my condominium has AC. So come over already. Ethel’s granddaughter, Tamara—the waitress, not the radiologist, who is now seeing an ophthalmologist—drops by to see Ethel most Sundays around noon. So maybe, hopefully, shortly, you will do the same. Also, for some reason, she’s under the impression you’re pursuing law at the moment.

Something that was brought to my attention recently: Sperm, as individuals and as a collective do not do well in the heat. In fact, they do poorly. Quite poorly.

First, they lose their sense of direction. It’s true. It makes them wander about like a stoned teenager after midnight, unsure which way is which. If the heat persists, which it seems to be doing, it then makes them depressed—yes depressed. They go even slower, like a just dumped teenage boy trying to make his way home. Nothing matters. NOTHING.

And then, if it goes on further, it makes them angry. Yes, that’s right, angry sperm. Like a driver at a light that never turns, so they just sit there, waiting and waiting.

What am I saying? Ice your privates. Not a lot, but not just for show either. Ice them proper. So your sperm have a chance. So they’re ready and on guard. This may sound strange to you. It does to me. But better that they be ready and retain a sense of purpose and dignity than meander about like, well, like me at night looking for the washroom light, before I put a night-lite in the hallway socket.

As summer is winding down I will get straight to it. In the next few weeks, show me an amniocentesis of a woman you have impregnated and I will buy you an AC. Straight up. Two amnios: A car, and a new car at that. Three or more? I will cut out one of the other grandchildren, an unmarried one, from my will. This is a serious offer that I hope you take as a personal challenge, and also maybe you don’t mention to your mother right now.

Note: I am offering the same thing to your cousins Barb, Sarah, and Brian. Good luck to you.