If you give a Mouse a cookie...

He's going to want a few more. After all, it's buy two get the third half off, so you have to buy in bulk.

After his fifth cookie, the Mouse gets an upset stomach, so he pops a few Alka-Seltzer. The Alka-Seltzer wears off after a few hours, so he takes a few Tums... Read More »

Okay Mac, we get it: you're the best computer known to the universe. Your technology has overpowered other operating systems to the point where they kiss your Intel Core 2 Duo processor. As your advanced hardware slowly turns into a culture trend, none of America can escape your power over the modern technologists. Read More »

Yo, my name's Tiquasha Jackson. If there's one thing I've learned from growing up on the rough streets of anywhere black people live, it's that anywhere black people live it's a rough street. Ever since White Flight, black people have been popping up in more and more rural areas, infecting the neighborhood with drugs and crime. Read More »

Of all the comedy movie tricks producers can use to captivate their audience, a celebrity cameo is the riskiest. When poorly executed or overused, a cameo can sink a film to the comedic depths of Epic Movie. But when done properly, a featured actor can make a good movie great, enchanting viewers in a way only they could. Read More »

A haiku about writer's block:

The infinite search
Into the inner depths
For topics undiscovered. Read More »

Like most men, I enjoy getting my penis touched. Whether it's a sweaty hand, drooling mouth, or the warmth of a homey vagina, stimulation of a man's penis is ranked very highly. The only problem with living your entire life around the hopes of arousal though, is you become a slave to your penis. Read More »

Has anyone seen my electrolytes? I left them right here on the bench. Have you seen them? Read More »

Let's imagine for a second, that purses on guys were all right. Pretend that it was socially acceptable for all people to openly walk around with pocketbooks and handbags, and that a guy who carried one wouldn't be taunted or teased. What do you think men would keep in their purses? Read More »

Fuck VH1. No seriously, I fucking hate them. They have the shittiest shows on television, and now it's finally fucked them up their already ripped asshole. Before I begin to show you how VH1's "reality" television just got fucked up by actual real life, I want to take you through the horrible train wreck that was VH1. Read More »

I don't think anyone realizes how fucking amazing Brock Lesnar is. He's not merely a man, but a demon sent from hell to beat the shit out of MMA fighters. When he's not hibernating in the winter, Brock Lesnar makes appearances in the Octagon, where he inserts his fist through grown men's faces. After every fight, Brock has to wash chunks of brain off his gloves. Read More »

I don't know about you guys, but I was alive during the birth of the greatest TV station to bless this planet. Upon its creation, Nickelodeon introduced some of the most distinguished and celebrated cartoons of this century, and I was one of the millions of public-schooled Americans whose life was boring enough to enjoy them. But not just enjoy them, fiend their very existence. Read More »

Dear Gay People,

First off, can I call you gay? Should I say homosexuals, or is gay alright with you? Maybe "fudge-packer" or "scrotum-swallower"? Whatever, gay works for now. Read More »

Day 1: The neighbors next door finally realized I've been stealing their internet. It might have been because they checked to see which active IP was currently using their router, but I think it's due to their firewall catching my downloading the entire season of The OC. Whatever the reason, their wireless internet is now password protected. Read More »

Hello, my name is Dr. Treli. Please, take a seat. After many extensive tests I feel that we have a diagnosis for your illness, and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't look good.

I'm sorry, but you have Andy Dick Cancer. Read More »

Part of being a celebrity with thousands of adoring fans is being able to set trends and styles that your admirers will follow. The idea that you're so rich and famous that you can push the limits of what's normal and try to revolutionize fashion has worked for some celebrities, but failed for others. Read More »

Ahh yeah, The Brothers. The Twins. Your Sack O' Surprises. Whatever your pet name for your scrotum is, it is very important to you. After all, you've had your ball sack for nearly your entire life, and you know it better than any other person. Maybe it has a distinctive feature that deems it unique, like a mole or a freckle. Read More »

Good evening, Citizens of America, this is your President, Barack Obama. I have assembled this press conference to address the events that I just found out took place last night. While many leaders would sweep catastrophes like this under the rug and pretend they never happened, I feel it is my obligation to address the elephant in the room. Hillary Clinton, that is. Read More »

This is the greatest cereal I've ever eaten. It's crunchy yet smooth; bitter yet sweet. This cereal is like the Civil Rights movement poured into a bowl. If you took every Dragon Force song and added milk, it would be this cereal. Chewing it feels like the scene in King Kong where he battles the T-Rex is unfolding in my mouth. Mmm... Read More »

Everyone saw you miss that shot.  You weren't even close.  We all stared as you crinkled up the piece of paper, walked across the room, and embarrassed yourself with that jumper.  You could have simply placed it in, or even dunked it like Vince Carter.  But instead you decided to be a hero.  A hero who misses shots. Read More »

The time before the blunt is a quiet, calm period.  We all sit in a circle and watch in hushed awe as the roller works silently.  He is drawn in, focused intensely on the task at hand, ignoring all the distractions around him.  His tan fingers work like clockwork, picking out the seeds and evenly distributing the weed.  Around him, the room is noiseless, all thoughts going unvoiced, the occ Read More »

It's not you, it's me.  Just kidding, it's you.  You've been holding me back.  I have inspirations, I have dreams!  There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies.  It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything.  It'll be easier without you.  I have to do things on my own Read More »