Merry Christmas Everyone!

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I love you.

Classics II

Dear Wayne,

Hi.

You're probably wondering who this letter is from. I want to tell you and I will one day, but now is not the right time.

What I can say, is that I really admire that you work for the city and how you clean all my parks. This is really hard for me to write this letter to you. I never really planned to write you; but one day while I was watching you leave Heritage Hills soccer fields, you didn't realize it but you ran over a small snail with your truck. After you left, I approached the dead snail and its spirit whispered to me that I should write you. So here I am...

God fucking damn your legs!!!

I'm sorry. I just get so excited thinking about you. I remember seeing you at Dunton baseball park. It was the first day of spring and you were wearing your shorts. At first, from a distance I thought they were briefs; but then once I got close enough, I noticed they were your shorts. So tight. I laughed to myself. It was like you tricked me. Oh Wayne. I could of reached out and touched you right there.

I almost did.

We have met before actually. I was dressed up in disguise as an old man at Red Brush Park. I had pretended to fall down so you would come rushing over to help. I was amazed at how your long, pale legs moved so quickly - The way they leaped and galloped. You were like a big fucking horse!

I bet you are hung like one too.

I will only admit this once, but we have met a second time. You had your big white legs wrapped around my neck when we fucked all night long - But that was just a dream....and maybe someday....I can say it actually happened?

I love you.

Classics

Dear Ronny,

My dad found a job and we are moving away. I have to break up with you.

The reason I am writing you this letter, instead of telling you in person is because I am afraid you will get really upset and you might hit me. I know we’ve only been together for 2 months now but I know you have a short temper and even though you say you don’t remember cuz you were drunk, but you have hit me before.

Plus right now my family doesn’t want me to see you. Mom said she thought a 27 year-old, should have no business being with a 16 year-old. And my brother Jeremiah said he knew you from highschool and that one time you beat up his best friend because you said he was too skinny and deserved it.

But I know you aren’t like that anymore.

You are sweet, kind and you love me for who I am. I still remember the first time we met at Bobby’s party. You were so nice to me. And even though you had some puke on your shirt, I still thought you were hot. And don’t worry; YES, I still believe you over Darlene that you fingered her first before I even showed up.

Darlene is just jealous that you ended up with me. I can’t believe she used to be my best friend.

The other reason that I am writing you this letter, is because even though I am leaving real soon and we are breaking up, I want to see you one last time. I have thought about your request and prayed to Jesus about this a lot and have come to the conclusion that our love is real. I want to express our love one last time, so yes, I will let you do me in the bum. My friend Beth says that we will need to buy some lube and that you need to be gentle.

I will be over at your house tomorrow night around 10pm. Don't tell anyone I'm coming.

I love you,

Shelly.

P.S. Below is a picture of me that you can keep to remember me by. I am wearing the sweater you bought me.
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Santa is coming!

Dear Chuck,

Hey thanks for the lift yesterday to work - Really appreicated that.

Is your phone line down right now? I'm trying to call you but it says the number isn't in service!? What's going on with that?

Anyways, the reason I'm emailing is because I need a favor from you. As you know, for the past couple years my son Drew and I square off to see who can out prank each other. I know you're probably thinking my kid is only 10 years old but this year he got me good - I had come home last month from work to find his "lifeless" body laying on the kitchen floor with his face covered in blood. Prank of the century if you ask me and of course with help from his mother. The "blood" was ketchup.

Payback time.

Basically I'm thinking this: We get you into a Santa Claus costume. We'll time our watches but at 1:00am come to the side door of the house and I'll let you in. Sharon is a very heavy sleeper so pulling this off won't be a problem.

So what we'll have you do is enter into Drew's bedroom and wake him up. He'll be all confused and shocked to see you, wondering "what is Santa doing in my house this early?". Tell him he has been a special boy and you came to see him early to give him some early xmas presents.

At this point I will come bursting into the room with a knife and stab you in the chest. I got one of those fake knifes with the blood not too long ago at a joke shop and its perfect - Actually looks like the knife enters into you.

He should start to scream at this point and wake Sharon up....then the gig is up. But if he happens to stay quiet because he might be going into some kind of shock....keep playing along and I'll pretend to stab you several more times.

Get your phone working and I'll call you soon enough to confirm details.

Len

Re: Magician for hire

Date: Nov 9, 2006 12:33 EST
From: John Bell {John&Cindy@home.net}
To: WallyTheMagician@magic.com
Subject: Re:Magician for hire

Dear Walter,

You sound great!!

See you this Saturday then!

John.

Date: Nov.7, 2006 5:49 EST
From: WallyTheMagician@magic.com
To: John&Cindy@home.net
Subject: Magician for hire

John,

Got your call on my machine. Currenly on vacation right now hence the email.

So you're looking for a magician for your kid's birthday party? Listen I'm your man. Let me give you a brief rundown on what I can do:

- I got this trick called "Return of the dead" and basically what I do is take a kids life...annouce him legally dead as I'll get his heart to stop beating for about 2 minutes. Then I'll bring the little fucker back to life.

- Before the show starts I'll wire you up with a blood pack to your chest. Basically in the middle of the show I'll say some kind of bullshit excuse like I don't want to be here anymore and then I'll pull out an actual gun and pretend to shoot myself in the chest. But with a hidden remote control I'll set off your blood pack and you go down. Kids love this one. Usually they freak out at first but then after its cool.

- This other trick I do called "Legs". Basically I get a kid to get in my box and I pretend to saw him in half. But what really happens is that when I pull open the box to reveal his two seperate halfs...you have his torso showing in the first half and I got this actual dead bloody dog that I use to show "the kids legs". And of course its the dogs legs. Its super fucked!

- My favorite illusion though is that I'll take a kid with me into a dark closet and we'll stay in there for like an hour. Things get weird after the 15th to 30th minute when the kid starts to freak out. He'll start yelling and crying and just freaking out. Usually the other kids at the party start to freak out too because they think I'm doing something awful to the kid in the closet and things just get so intense. But the best is when I finally let the kid out and everyones like "what happened in there?" and the kids got nothing. Fucking right he's got nothing.

- I got this other crowd favorite that I usually do at the end of my act. I'll leave it a surprise but basically it involves the birthday kid, smoke and an unflushed dump in your toilet that I will produce. I call it "the gift".

Anyways, email me back and let me know what the scoop is. If interested I'll be back from vacation to make it on the Saturday.

Walter