A Letter from Earth

Hey humans. What's up? It's me, Planet Earth. Yeah well I just wanted to thank you for setting up a day in my honor so a chunk of me crawled into this internet hack's ear while he was sleeping (read: passed out) after spending an evening playing pool in a smoky pool hall. I didn't really want to use this guy but using print media just wouldn't look too good on Earth Day and most of the popular internet writers have niches and/or dedicated topics and deadlines so it would have been a lot of work to get something out of them. But this dude, well he ain't got much going on at all. I don't think he's even aware I'm encouraging him here. Ignorance really is bliss, which means this dude must be happier than a masturbating monkey in a banana tree.

But enough about him, we have bigger fish to fry.

This being Earth Day (thanks again), I figured I'd let you all know what I'd like this year. Every year you guys try something new to "save" me (boy is that insulting?I could end y'all in ten years and you're saving me?) and this year it looks like you picked biofuels.

Biofuels are stupid.

You see, Humans, you keep making more people. And a lot of them live in places where food is scarce. So if you turn food into fuels, well then, a lot of people end up dying from starvation just so you can feel better about possibly helping me out by improving my chances of surviving some climate change busllshit some douchebag vice president thinks I can't handle. I've survived more ice ages than you've had birthdays (unless you're that one guy God forced to walk me for eternity but he doesn't really count); I ain't going anywhere. So while you're starving the poor in the name of feeling good about a possible threat, I figured I'd inform you that y'all are being stupid.

You should stop that.

Look, I'm glad you want to stop pollution. Seriously, that stuff sucks. But a little pollution is nothing compared to a day without any food. I'm sure you'd rather have a five star meal in polluted Los Angeles than you would want to starve to death in a pollution-free desert somewhere. It's just common sense.

So this year for Earth Day, I want you guys to understand that there are many sides to every environmental issue. Biofuels help feed famine, DDT cures malaria, metal recycling pollutes more than metal creating does, a lot of animals like living in landfills, etc.

The way I see it, Humans, if you really cared about saving yourselves (again, I am a planet and I ain't going nowhere, no matter how many nukes you fire), you would focus on making sure your people had food and shelter. After that, I guess you can feel free to fuck around with electric cars and what not. But until then, I just wish you wouldn't blindly follow stupidly arrogant politics as fact. That just doesn't help your cause.

Oh, and whatever happened to all those human sacrifices? I miss those. I mean, they were kind of gruesome, but at least they showed you cared.

Thanks for reading and for my special day.

Sincerely,

Planet "King Bitches" Earth.

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