At Least He was a Millionaire

Sean Taylor died. He was 24. One bullet entered his leg rather quickly and not 24 hours later he was dead. He was one of the biggest badasses to ever play football. One bullet to the leg should not have been enough to off him. But that's life: no matter how badass we think we are, how strong we are and how many NFL receivers we injure, all it takes is a well-placed bullet and the next thing you know? well you don't know anything anymore.

When badass motherfuckers die, I always end up contemplating my pathetic life. And well, there are some things I would like to accomplish before I finally shuffle off my mortal coil. Now, don't get me wrong, I've done some awesome stuff. I lived in Europe, I've visited all but three American states, I've skydived, had two chicks at the same time, participated in several felonies, been forcibly removed from several bars, clubs and even major league stadiums, but that's not enough dammit.

And the thing is, life is short. One minute, you're lying in bed with your girl, machete at the ready, trying to catch a decent night's sleep, and then the next thing you know, some punk bitch is sticking a shotgun in your groin and introducing you to a world of suck. So because life is short and sharing is caring, the following are ten things I would like to do before I die.

10. Visit Maine, Hawaii and Alaska (I need to get to all 50 states).

9. Publish a novel. (It's coming soon, I promise.)

8. Vomit on a uniform cop. This is kind of an inside joke but still I want to do it.

7. Buy a brand new car. I've never owned a brand new car. I think it would be kind of cool.

6. Go hunting and actually kill something. I'm not much for hunting. I'm more of a fishing kind of guy. Nevertheless, I think it would be fun to kill something in the woods at least once. I'd probably want to kill an alligator or a deer. Something plentiful and edible. I've gone hunting three times but I've never killed anything. My father and Brother Jay are awesome shots. I can't hit the broad side of a barn. I'm thinking I may need to use an AR-15 or something equally wicked. That would be fun.

5. Make a million dollars. Clearly, this plan needs to be examined more thoroughly because "make a million dollars" is as far as I've gotten with it.

4. Be a gigolo for a year. I've always wondered what it would be like to be unemployed and sponge off an older woman for a while. Would I feel like a lazy bitch? Would I turn into a bitch and start expecting comfort without earning it? I gotta try that at least once. Maybe after a year or more of working out?

3. Eat caviar. Do you believe I've never eaten caviar? What kind of a sheltered life have I been living?

2. Learn Spanish. I live in Florida, where Spanish education should be a law. If I don't learn this shit soon, I think they'll kick me out.

1. Run for public office. Before I die, I would like to be a mayor or a senator or maybe even governor. I think it would be neat to have the kind of power that commands blowjobs, er, respect. Yeah, that's it. It's respect I'm after.

Sean Taylor is gonna be stuck in a box and buried underground. And they're not gonna let him out for weekends or holidays or nothing. In his life, he played in the NFL and the Big East, won several awards and even more football games. He made millions of dollars, had a baby girl and maybe even ate an ass ton of caviar, but he'll never see tomorrow and you will.

Maybe you should make something of that.

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