Returned to Sender

Gerald Ford died so no one delivered mail to my office, today. That seems a little strange.

I mean look, I know Gerald Ford was a president and all and I'm really sure that he was once mimicked by Chevy Chase, and that's about all I know about Gerald Ford? but still.

I mean come the fuck on.

You're telling me that every time an ex-president dies, I won't be receiving my mail. That seems a little stupid.

Now, I'm not above having respect for Gerald Ford. Apparently, he was a Midwesterner, which means he was probably a nice guy. Probably drank a lot milk and ate a lot of beef, just like me. Perhaps he even liked fried chicken, but none of that changes the fact that no one received mail today.

Now, some of you may be thinking something along the lines of, "Nate, what the hell do you care about one day without mail?" And I'm here to tell you that you are all ignorant and stupid cretins who shouldn't ask such questions. And I'll tell you why.

Without mail, children don't receive their belated Christmas gifts from aunts and uncles who were unable to visit them over the holidays. So basically, because there was no mail today, little Jonny and Jimmy and Ishmael and Suzy and Rashonda and Star didn't receive their toys when they should have. Somewhere, all these children are waiting patiently for their late Christmas gifts and all anyone can tell them is that there is no mail today.

"But why not?" crying little Suzy Rashonda McWhatever will ask, with tears in her eyes.

"Because Gerald Ford finally died."

"Who was Gerald Ford?" the little girl will ask between sobs.

"He was president of the United States and a real nice man."

But little Suzy Rashonda McWhoeverthehell won't care how nice Gerry Ford was. In fact, she'll probably be wondering why such a nice guy would want her to keep from getting whatever overpriced piece of plastic she's hankering for.

And that's just sad.

I like to think that somewhere up in heaven, Gerald Ford is reading these words and thinking to himself, "Wow, that Nate is one giant piece of crap. I hope he gets flushed down the toilet of life and winds up festering in hell."

And that may happen, Dead President Ford. But you can bet your money that no kid is gonna go without receiving a gift in the mail on the day I die.

So, in a sense, I am a better person than Gerald Ford.

Man, I hope Jesus is reading this.

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