Killer Train of Thought

Miss Deaf Texas was hit by a train and killed. I’m not making that up. And I think it’s funny. What can I say? I’m a heartless bastard.

What percentage of the people who get hit by trains are deaf? I’ll bet more are drunk than deaf. What percentage of people hit by trains are both drunk and deaf? Furthermore, where can I go to find answers to these questions? It’s 2006 and this is the best we can do? Quite frankly, that pisses me off.

I’m pretty sure I must be getting dumber everyday. Maybe one of these days, I’ll get dumb enough to get hit by a train. Let me tell you guys something. If I get hit by a train, no matter what anyone says, believe you me, I was drunk.

My friend Scotty’s brother was hit by a train when Scotty was only eight years old. It really messed Scotty up. But the funny thing about it: the police called it a suicide, all Scotty’s brother’s friends were pretty sure that the kid just ate too many drugs and got all screwed up, and all Scotty’s brother’s enemies thought he was pushed. Whatever the case, if you made jokes about people getting hit by trains (like that old one about how Helen Keller would know if a train was coming), Scotty would get really mad and try to kick your ass. That really bothered me growing up. I got a ton of killer train jokes.

Q: How can you tell if a train’s coming?
A: If you don’t know, we really don’t need you on this planet. You’re now free to go.

Q: What’s the difference between getting hit by a car and getting hit by a train?
A: Smart people occasionally get hit by cars.

You see, these are good jokes. And I never got to use them. Fucking Scotty and his fucking brother (I’ll see you both in hell by the way. Jeff, you bring the drugs. Scotty, you got the weapons. I’ll bring the alcohol and porn). Oh well, what can you do? I mean, besides trying to keep the deaf kids away from the train tracks?

I don’t understand why trains still operate on oil-based fuel. You would think that such a suffering industry would do its best to reduce costs and innovate a little. Oh wait. I forgot about the government subsidies. Socialist pansies. All they do is hold back innovation and kill deaf beauty queens. Fucking Fabians.

How awesome would it be to pull a train on a chick while on a train that actually hit someone from behind? You could be pulling a train on a train that pulls into someone and kills them. I mean, that’s pretty damn ironic right there (why do I feel like I’m stealing a bit from Court Sullivan’s file?).

At any rate, let’s all have a moment of silence for Miss Deaf Texas (not that she would have noticed or anything).

And I mean, while you’re being all silent and everything, you might as well pray for my soul. I can use all the help I can get.