And Now for Something Somewhat Different...

Emily, can you please come in here? Ah, there you are. Emily, I need to dictate a letter for a Mr. Markmen over at Swathgard & Leland’s, if you would be so kind. Thank you, dear.

[Ahem]

Begin letter: Dear Mister Markmen comma new paragraph I am writing to you today to express my utter shock--no change that to disgust please, Emily--I am writing to you today to express my utter disgust at your reprehensible behavior at last night’s dinner party period My wife is the very definition of a lady comma and any implications against her fidelity will not be tolerated from anybody comma certainly not the likes of you comma you sick comma malicious fuck--italicized--period If you have problems abiding by these very generous guidelines comma perhaps we could settle this dispute in a manner less civil period new paragraph This is by no means a threat comma since we both understand that I have 40 or so pounds begin parenthesis of muscle comma you ball hyphen less sack of shit end parenthesis and 5 inches on your meager comma pussy frame period It would pain me greatly to have to pound the fucking shit out of your asshole hyphen face comma but comma I would be more--italicized--than willing to make that sacrifice comma if you think it necessary period new paragraph Markmen comma I think you are a spineless comma despicable piece of fuck period A low hyphen down comma pretentious scumbag hyphen dickmite masquerading as a begin quote true friend end quote period Evil cunts like you should be tied to dumbbells comma stabbed viciously comma and thrown into a deep comma deep lake period new paragraph I hope that you enjoy your upcoming ski trip to Aspen comma and I greatly hope that you comma and your entire shitbird family comma suffer some incredibly gruesome tragedy comma you worthless cocksucker period Sincerely comma Martin H period Greensworth PS comma By tragedy comma I mean that I hope you die comma shitfuckface--one word--end letter

Emily, if you can send that off right away to Swathgard & Leland’s. And do you think someone could bring me a bottle of aspirin? Thank you, dear.

The End