The Land Before Instant Porn Load Times

>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher
August 27, 2007


A long time ago, in a land far, far away I was introduced to the wonders of the Internet. Alright, it was like ten years ago in Maine, and depending on where you’re reading this right now, that might not be all that far way, but the point remains that it was at this time I was introduced to the World Wide Web.

I don’t want to come off as one of those people that was around during the early days of the web (read: Al Gore) and because of that is better than you or knows more about how things work online. I already have an aunt, who had Internet access years before me, who held this elitist attitude over my head my entire life, even though her online activity consists mostly of attempting to procure Barbie dolls. (I’m dead serious too; she’s a 50-plus-year-old woman and she spends her time collecting dolls that she doesn’t even take out of the packaging. Which I guess kind of makes her like Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, except not nearly as cool because Barbie fucking sucks.)

"There is something to be gained from the old method of grueling load times and anticipation."

Anyway, when I first started messing around online, it was for one reason: porn. This was for the most part before the hardcore regulation of adult content, and the buttocks’ and ta-tas flowed like water. Most sites back at this time didn’t even ask if you were 18, so I didn’t even feel like I was doing anything wrong for the most part. Somewhat unfortunately however, at that time I harbored a borderline unhealthy obsession with Jenny McCarthy, and through my narrow mindedness I failed to take advantage of the full palette of boobies that I might have otherwise had the chance to enjoy. Even so, the novel experience of finding these pictures was so amazing at the time, I put it alongside other great discoveries of my lifetime such as alcohol, Maxim magazine, and the Super Mario Brothers.

One unique aspect of the experience during that period was the loading time. A lot of you out there my age or older probably remember watching a picture load pixel by pixel and line by line from top to bottom, and in my mind this only added to the experience. As the page would start to load, the anticipation would begin to build like a snowball rolling down a mountainside as her face first came into focus. Then slowly, so slow it hurt, her chin and neck would materialize, followed by her upper chest.

Minutes would pass, and just when you felt like you couldn’t take it anymore, out of nowhere two pale globes, as soft as freshly baked bread, and so circular that it seemed like Michelangelo himself had drawn them, would make their presence known. And then, just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, a pair of perfectly proportional nipples as pink as a stripper’s thong would complete the fantasy. That is, unless the picture was of her backside, in which case you would probably just play Minesweeper until it got down to her rear.

In today’s world, one page alone can house a thousand pictures and the load time is instantaneous. The anticipation is null set, and that’s not even taking into consideration the fact there are now movies and live feeds to be had. I’m sure if you asked any underage kid which method he’d prefer, he would no doubt opt for the instant gratification of today’s high-speed internet and the Bang Bus network of reality sites.

But I believe that there is something to be gained from the old method of grueling load times and borderline unbearable anticipation outside of the outright experience itself. This lies in the fact that the effort, time, and patience one used to have to go through to see a girl naked online closely mimics the actual time, effort, and patience you need to see a girl naked in real life. It is with this in mind I think that we should return all porn loading times to those of a decade prior, in an effort to help cultivate the proper social development of our youth.

The Internet has come a long way in the time since I first caught a glimpse of Jenny McCarthy doing something other than co-hosting Singled Out. Some of these changes have no doubt been for the better, like YouTube, Gmail, and fantasy football. And yet others have not, such as the regulation of online gambling, pop-up windows, and the writings of Kevin Chang.

Let us add to this long list of missteps the development of instantaneous pornography, which has done nothing but curb the ability of young males to understand and deal with the long, frustrating, and time consuming process that is dealing with women romantically.

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