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I've gotten a lot of longwinded, whiny emails basically complaining
about how all I ever talk about in this column is how much I drink
(sorry mom). Anyway, since my aim here is primarily to entertain
everyone else, I'm pleased to announce that it has officially been
one week since I've had a drink, and in that spirit this edition is
presented 100% alcohol-free (on my part, at least). And now, on with
the show. Here's what happened:
-I find the student budget hilarious.
Nobody ever has any food in their rooms, yet they pay $75 a month for
cell phones. People spend $8 a day for a pack of cigarettes, but they
whine that laundry is too expensive because it costs $1.25. My friend
Rob came up with the idea of drilling holes in quarters and tying
strings around them, so he could fake the washing machine into thinking
that it had accepted the money, but then he could reuse the dummies.
Brilliant. He goes to the craft store and buys string ($4.95/foot) and
then he goes to the hardware store and buys a drill ($89) and then takes
a taxi home for some reason ($18.40 + tip). Then he spends the next day
smoking and talking on his cell phone while drilling holes in quarters
(he wasted 2 dozen before he finally made 5 good ones). His plan didn't
work, washing machines are too smart for that, but I admire his vision.
Not just anyone can think of such creative ways to save money.
-Interesting B.C.
factoid: Everyone thanks the bus drivers here. Doesn't happen back home.
To tell you the truth, it's kind of creepy. Some people really get into
it. They'll give the bus driver a hug and everything. If you don't thank
the bus driver as you egress, sometimes he'll get really hostile and
defensive. I'm like... Yeah, I'm not actually that thankful. Thank you
for not driving the bus into a ravine, I guess. Have a good afternoon.
-When I first got to Victoria (where the
elderly and the heroin-addicted meet to soil themselves in public) I was
upset at how small everything was. The biggest mall here is smaller than
the smallest mall in Ottawa. Now I'm thankful for that very fact. I went
shopping with a girl last week for "a few clothes". 6 hours later I'm
standing outside the changeroom at Jacob carrying more bags than the
homeless guy we saw on the bus on the way to the mall, running back and
forth getting different sizes and colors and styles and offering helpful
purchasing suggestions (ie. "Can we PLEASE go home?"). If the malls here
were as big as they are in Ottawa I'd probably still be there now,
killing rats for food.
-What is WITH clothing stores, anyway? Is
it just me or are they all basically the same? Greys on one side, colors
on the other. Pants, shirts, ugly shirts, really ugly shirts,
"clearance" ("that one is SO 8 minutes ago"), lingerie off in the
corner, fitting rooms in the back. When I told this to Nicole (the girl
I was shopping with, or, more accurately, for), reasoning that since
we've seen one store we've seen them all so we should go home, she
called me an idiot and gave me more bags to carry. Apparently I struck a
nerve.
-After we (and by we, I mean "not me")
finished shopping, I treated Nicole to Taco Bell (I'm such a charmer, I
know). Before we got in line to order, I went to go to the bathroom (too
much information, I know, but I have a point). The bathroom door was
locked! I asked the friendly Taco Bell employee, who, like all Taco Bell
employees, was required by law to wear braces, just what the hell they
thought they were doing by locking the doors to the lavatory. He told me
that people come into the bathroom to shoot up heroin and they would
always find syringes in there. He said they had installed a black light
in the bathroom so you couldn't see your veins, but the only result was
that people tried to shoot up anyway and missed the vein and blood
splattered all over the bathroom wall. So they had to lock the door and
inspect everyone who used the bathroom pre-emptively, but that he would
go and grab the key for me. I was like, "Yeah, I'll just hold it in."
Nothing cures your ravenous hunger like the impending threat of
hepatitis.
-Back to the dorms: Every girl has a
boyfriend. No boy has a girlfriend. It doesn't make mathematical sense.
The explanation that occurs most frequently is the "long-distance
boyfriend". As in, we went out in high school but now we're going to
different schools but we're going to try and make it work. Are you
KIDDING me? Do you know how many times a long-distance relationship has
worked? Zero. Every damn weekend these "couples" are breaking up,
getting back together, cheating on each other, crying, whining,
bitching, moaning, or some combination of the above. I'm seriously
getting tired of consoling these half-couples after yet another
telephone breakup. Actual statement made by my friend Eve: "It's the
three-month anniversary of the time we got back together after that
fight we had over me cheating on Blaine (her "boyfriend") while I was in
Venice. Can you believe he hasn't called me today?" I'm like, hey, have
an anniversary present. It's a used syringe I got at Taco Bell.
-You know what the university needs? More
buildings named after people nobody cares about.
-If you think nobody ever gets any
schoolwork done in university, you're more or less correct. All the
partying means even if you shut your door you won't get any peace and
quiet. In an attempt to help the situation, the university has decided
to open one building 24 hours a day. You just go there with your study
buddy, find an empty classroom, close the door and work in peace and
quiet. Because of the obvious security risks this poses (hey, the
bathrooms in this building are not only unlocked, but lit properly as
well), security is permanently patrolling to ensure safety for all
students. I asked a security guard there if he has ever had any trouble
in the building, late at night. He said no, but apparently he walks in
on people having sex in a classroom about 5 times a night. That same day
I filled out an application form for a job in campus security.
-If you're studying late at night in the
Clearihue building (named after Sir John A. Clearihue, who came to
Victoria in 1941 to escape the persecution of crocodile farmers of the
time) you'll inevitably end up snacking on "machine cuisine". That is,
vending machine food. Quick question: When the hell did a can of coke
start costing $1.50? I guess it's because they can charge whatever they
want, people still line up to pay their insane prices. I hope they enjoy
their coke and "grab bag" of Doritos while wearing dirty laundry.
Morons.
-Now playing: In the spirit of shooting
up heroin in a public forums: "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop. It's
pleasantly addictive (the song, I mean) (actually, heroin too).
-A professor of mine announced that we
have a midterm on Monday. I raised my hand and asked how come it's
called a midterm if it's in September which is clearly not the middle of
the term. She answered that it wasn't really a midterm, because we have
two more of them before the final exam, that it's really just a test. So
I asked (I was just curious) why she called it a midterm if it was
really a test. She said that because of university policy, they're not
allowed to have tests in these classes, just midterms. I told her I
didn't believe the purpose of a policy is to attempt to circumvent it in
the most undignified way possible, and that if we're not supposed to
have tests in the class then we shouldn't have a test on Monday and we
should wait until the middle of the term to have a midterm. My plan
didn't work, the "midterm" is going to happen come hell or high water,
the teacher now hates me for pointing out the flaw in her logic, and
everyone in the class gave me weird looks suggesting that they would
never, under no circumstances, ever be friends with me after that
outburst. I'm still right, though.
-Generally speaking, the people in B.C.
are uglier than the people in Ontario. Do not interpret this as a broad
generalization on people here. I don't mean it as a rule, just as a
trend I've noticed. Certainly, there are attractive people here, plenty
of them. Most of them come from Ontario. I'm not the only one that has
said this, by the way. It upsets a lot of Ontarians who came out here to
ogle midriff-bearing teenagers. I actually kind of like it, though. I'm
tired of being the one who brings down the status quo. Out here, I'm
Brad Pitt.
-Also, the only people here who smoke are
the ones from Ontario. B.C. people are very into "healthy living" which,
translated roughly, means "organic coffee". Someone tried explaining the
concept of organic coffee to me one time and I went cross-eyed. The only
thing I can report about organic coffee is that it costs $5.00 a cup and
seems to make people look less attractive. I think I'll stick to the
synthetic stuff so I can afford to pay $1.50 for a can of coke at 3 in
the morning.
-I hate university libraries. Don't they
have any books that people might actually voluntarily read? And what
about the way they sort their collections. The public library uses the
"Dewey" decimal system, which means that if the book you want is listed
as 837.5, you'll find it somewhere between 837.4 and 837.6. In the
university library, though, they use a complex series of letters and
numbers that are randomly dispersed across 8 floors and a mezzanine. You
spend two and a half hours on a scavenger hunt from hell hiking through
stacks of books with no cover jacket. It's like playing library bingo
each time you're looking for something. "O-72! I found it!"
-Quote of the moment: Some drunk girl
named Jenna (hey, I only promised that I wouldn't drink, I was just
taking notes) waxing philosophical on the subject of orgies: "I've had
two foursomes before. But it was always me and a guy and then another
girl and a guy. And we never traded or nothing. Does that even count as
a foursome if you don't trade?" At this point, Jenna proceeds to vomit
all over herself, thus inducing others to keel over in disgust.
-Quote of the moment #2: My drunken
friend Jack, in response to Jenna's imparting wisdom: "Wanna have a
foursome right now? Just you and me?" Jack then proceeds to make out
with Jenna (henceforth known as "Puke-girl") not 30 seconds after she
turned her room into a vomitorium.
-Quote of the moment #3: Puke-girl, after
she finished making out with Jack: "Wow, he kisses so much better than
my boyfriend."
-And, finally, I was late for class one
afternoon (surprise!) when this weird foreign guy stopped me to show me
his books on yoga and meditation. Right in the middle of campus! I tried
telling him that I was a) late and b) not interested. He would have none
of it. He kept showing me these pictures and explaining why yoga (or
whatever the hell he was talking about, it could have been Tae-Bo) was
going to help me in life. He said he wasn't selling the books, but he
was looking for donations to help "cover the cost of printing the
books". I told him that if he was having such a hard time covering the
costs of printing he shouldn't have had them printed in the first place.
So he starts following me to class! He's talking along the way, and I'm
ignoring him, and then he basically begs me for "a small donation,
anything I could spare". So I gave him the syringe I got at Taco Bell
and told him to go play in traffic. I'm pretty sure the jury will acquit
me.
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