|
Now Playing: "Authority Song" by John Mellencamp
First the good news: This will be the last edition of Text-Heavy
before I go away on crazy non-denominational holidays. What will I
be celebrating this year? Christmas? Hannukah? Kwanzaa? Ramadan? Who
can be sure? One thing is certain, though: There will be no column
from now until the new calendar year. Unless, I suppose, you follow
the lunar calendar like some kind of crazy pagan. Here's what
happened:
-Ever notice how nobody ever uses function
keys anymore? When was the last time you had to, say, press 'F11'?
Keyboard manufacturers are stuck in the past, if you ask me. And don't
even get me started on the 'Scroll Lock' button.
-Quick Note to People Wearing Santa Hats in
Public: You're not fooling anybody. We know you're not really Santa. And
you look like idiots.
-I was watching TV and there was an ad for a furniture store. They told me
that the prices were "not a mistake" and to "not attempt to adjust my
television set." I think it's amazing that in the year 2003 we still
have commercials that warn against adjusting the tv. But I tried adjusti
ng my tv set anyway. They were right.
-I was typing out that last joke, when I temporarily forgot what year it
was. It was only for a second, and then I remembered again, but in that
brief moment when I totally blanked on the current year, I got to
thinking: I think watching "The Next Joe Millionaire" is actually making
me dumber. You'd think I'd at least have the good sense to change the
channel when a furniture commercial comes on.
-My friend was telling me about the "Listening Comprehension Exam" he had
the other day. Or something to that effect. I wasn't really paying
attention.
-In my quenchless thirst for the perfect Christmas gift, I found myself at
the porn store. I was looking for a video to get for a friend (I
swear!), but I don't really know a lot about the porn 'biz'. I don't
even know if the porn 'biz' is called a 'biz' at all, or if they prefer
'industry'. I noticed that when they sort the videos on the rack, they
are arranged by fetishes. Did you know there's an 'Asian' fetish? And
that it's apparently very popular. I think that's really weird. I didn't
see any other races or cultures represented as a fetish. There's no
'Jewish' fetish, that's for sure. I don't even know what a Jewish fetish
would be. I'll bet it would involve dreidels, though.
-Every couple of years, McDonald's changes its image. I remember being
little and seeing these colorful little ads with Ronald and Grimace and
the whole gang frolicking in the Playland. What happened to those days?
What happened to Grimace? What the hell WAS Grimace? Some sort of
purple, amorphous blob, I guess. These days, McDonald's has this new 'In
yo' face' 'tude that's 'totally whack'. There's all these tough looking
kids skateboarding, screaming, slamming down Big Mac's, beating down
Grimace like a pinata. At one point I'm pretty sure one of them yells
something anti-semitic. It's like a sell-out Oi band music video.
-Typical Two-Step Christmas Shopping
Routine: 1. Walk around mall for seven hours, 'browsing'. Do not buy any
presents, as this requires valuable money that you could otherwise spend
on colorful drug habit. 2. On December 24th, make rush trip to Wal-Mart
moments before closing time. Purchase three dozen Chia pets. These can
be given to everyone on your 'gift list', and invariably illustrate the
warm holiday message: "I have a porcupine made of moss on my coffee
table. And I hate you."
-Quote of the Moment: I know a lot of you readers are college students,
and a lot of you have gotten seasonal jobs working in various retail
establishments. This is fine. Here's the thing, though: If I come in
holding a dozen colorful bags, and you feel the need to make some sort
of conversation with me, don't look at my bags and say: "Getting some
Christmas shopping done?" It's not a cool line. Especially since
everyone else is saying it. And ESPECIALLY since you're wearing that
damn Santa hat.
-And, finally, one of the best parts about Christmas shopping when you're
poor is the thrill you get just after you've paid with your debit card
but before the transaction is approved. It's kind of like pulling a slot
machine. You're looking at the screen, it says 'processing', you start
sweating, there's a lineup of nine people behind you, and you're afraid
it's gonna say 'declined' and then everyone will laugh at you. I don't
need to go to the casino. I just pay with my debit card all the time.
Even if I'm only buying a pack of gum.
|
Share this article
|
