Now, I know what you’re all thinking: what kind of world do we live in where
pedophiles can’t lay low amidst Thailand’s thriving sex industry? Well, I can’t
answer that thanks to the “no-fly ban” of which I’ve apparently been listed.
Honestly, you bring one trial packet of AstroGlide®, and suddenly
you’re a
threat to national security. There’s a mild irony to the fact that an
invention discovered by a space shuttle technician is no longer allowed on
commercial aircraft. Kind of takes the romance out of love at first flight. But
I digress, it’s time to say goodbye to the old Scholarly Tabloid and
hello to what this column was intended to be.
"Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and Paris
Hilton is known for sharing hers."
To be blunt, little about this column
has shaped up as originally intended. In fact, I originally vied for
a spot early last August, but Court suggested I get my feet wet with
a humor blog (pronounced: “hurricane”). Between heralding the
coming of “Serpents on an Airliner” and my biweekly recap of the
latest news, I admit writing the blog kept me sane while I traveled
the country awaiting my return home to New Orleans. The randomness
and creative flexibility of “Before and Aftermath” was a warm
reception to PIC. Six months later, I started this column with a
couple of stories I had been saving.
Somewhere down the line though, the jig was up: my mind was cluttered with
the stress of getting back to “normalcy”—whatever the hell that is. Eventually,
I
gave up on normalcy and settled for just returning to an actual career plan.
I heard that it comes with a free mid-life crisis if I act now. So, here I am
back in New Orleans, embracing the heavier side of college. It feels good to be
back. I missed spending nights drinking wine and discussing the prescriptive
nuances of Judeo-Christian theologies just before hitting a Ludacris concert and
several hours of bar-hopping. *tear* I love college.
Alright, that’s about all the sentiment I can take before I get offered a job
on The View. It’s time to look forward. Since my next column marks the
official change, I hope this preview offers you something to look forward to.
The new format of The Tabloid includes multiple sections, each with a
different focus and a unique blend of “words” and “colors.” Critics can all
agree that the new format is chockfull of words like “chockfull” and garnished
with parsley, sage, rosemary, and Art Garfunkel. Non sequitur? I hardly know the
meaning of the word. Seriously. I
sucked on the SAT verbal. What was I talking about again?
Here’s a look at some of the new sections (titles pending):
(Editorials… as if the rest of the column weren’t opinionated)
Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and Paris Hilton is known for
sharing hers. Week after week, I’ll wrap up with what’s been lurking about the
recesses of my mind. Maybe I’ll crack a fart joke. You never know. (Weekly
section)
For now, that’s a glimpse of what to expect. I hope you found it
“entertaining, whimsical yet relevant, with an underlined revisionist conceit
that belies the author’s emotional attachment to the subject matter.” I too also
hope you think it didn’t suck. Um, yeah… party on, Wayne. Stay tuned for the new
Scholarly Tabloid™*.
