Eurotrash-Talking

I keep hearing how badly behaved Americans are when they are overseas, and I don't disagree with you there. A large portion of our population is incredibly annoying, stupid and ugly. But just because you use Euros doesn't mean you're completely innocent. We get our share of stupid European tourists in the States as well. Sure, some things are okay in your country, but when you step foot on U.S. soil, some of your horseshit doesn't fly either, because guess what, you're not in your country any more.

Don't worry, the U.S. Fashion Police were disbanded after cutbacks due to the Iraq War.I know many Europeans catch a lot of flak from the U.S. for saving (or defeating) your country in WWI and WWII. But those were my grandfathers, not me. I don't take credit for things I didn't do. Even though they were more badass in fifteen minutes than I'll be in my entire life, you don't owe me anything.

Before you come to our country to criticize our policies, look at your own. Did you vote for your king or dictator or monarch? I'm just a tax-paying doofus. I didn't rally the troops for a war. I don't make immigration laws. And I certainly didn't mean to unleash the Jonas Brothers and Larry the Cable Guy on the world.

Forgive me for not knowing the history, current events, and meteorology of your country. There are an assload of little countries out there, and I can't keep up-to-date on all of them. And if you hadn't noticed, the United States is a pretty big country. I can fit the entire UK in my current home state of Colorado, and there are 49 other states for us to remember. So give me a break if I can't keep the differences between North and South Portugal straight.

In America, dudes generally don't wear Speedos to the beach unless there's some sort of swimming competition.Don't pity me because I grew up in North Dakota. I enjoyed spending my youth catching grasshoppers, swimming in the Missouri River, and throwing rocks at trains. I highly doubt you were visiting Stonehenge, praying at the Sistine Chapel, or eating fine cuisine at the Olive Garden in your early years.

We've all got accents, no matter where we're from. I bet it's tough understanding all the dialects from our country, and I'm a little slow figuring out what you're saying. But hey, foreign accents attract some interesting sexual partners. For some reason women from Chicago melt around me. Plus, I imagine every hot woman from overseas is a superspy, so let's call it a draw.

Michael Moore is just as stupid and full of shit as Ann Coulter. Only morons listen to what either of them say. Same goes for Rush Limbaugh and Rev. Al Sharpton. They don't represent Americans at all. However, Megan Fox, Kirby Puckett, and Hugh Hefner do represent our country.

Ah, the Speedo debate. This is a tough one. In America, dudes generally don't wear Speedos to the beach unless there's some sort of swimming competition or somebody lost a hefty gamble. It's great you feel confident about your body, but we just don't want to see it. Then there are the Euroladies. Keep dressing skanky, sister.

Which brings me to... shaving. Ladies, you're roadblocking yourself with all that hair. It's a fact: women parts, Hulk Hogan, and my neighbor's cat all look better bald.

I'll agree with you that our sports fans are out of control. But you've got soccer hooligans, so it's another draw.

Look, we're never all going to get along, and that's okay. I have no control over the fast food-eating slugbrains from my country, just like you don't puppeteer the too-much-cologne-wearing Eurotrash from yours. It doesn't mean we can't be friends. Or that I can't bang your women.