We begin.
Story: During a game of Duckhunt, I missed a red duck on level
14. When the dog popped out of the grass to laugh at me, I aimed for his head
and pulled the trigger. Much to my amazement, I blew the dog’s brains out all
over the cartoon tree.
Turn: This is what happens when you take LSD before you play
Duckhunt.
"When I was 14, we had free Showtime. I used to crank it with
a wooly beige towel set."
Story: I once knew a bum on High St. One
night, I felt particularly smarmy and asked him for some change. He
tried to cut me with a knife that he kept under his sombrero. I
smacked him so hard he fell on the knife and died in the gutter.
Some rats came by to eat the carcass and I gave them names.
Cadillac-Pimpin, Preacher Dave, and Ms. Mousie all now live in his
sombrero.
Turn: They’ve assembled a small band called “Ms. Mousie and the Stab
Victims.”
Story: I was in love. My girlfriend and I had just had sex with the
window open. Then, I decided that—because it was so romantic—I would whispers
sweet nothings in her ear.
Turn: “I'm cold. Would it bother you very much if I
slept with my dick in your butt?”
Story: In high school, I loved a girl named Gina. She was blonde, had
big blue eyes and loved me very much too. It’s really too bad that that sniper
got her.
Turn: They’re married with two kids. (Zing!)
Story: One night, I got really drunk and saw this girl who liked me.
She was really fat. I said “Hi” to be cordial. She smiled as she was walking
towards me; then, she tripped and fell over. I realized that she had two
attractive friends behind her. So I smiled back, after the ground stopped
moving.
Turn: I gave each friend a 9. The geologists said it was a 4.7.
Story: There once was a fat bitch named Anna Nicole Smith. She died.
Turn: You actually care?
Story: Two times in my life I’ve not enjoyed having an erection. The
first, my freshman year. I was in Spanish class and was called up to the
chalkboard to write something. It was very embarrassing to walk in front of a
class with a nine-inch prong poking out in the air. The second time
I didn’t enjoy an erection: peeling the 2600 pounds of Spanish-major pussy
off of my nine-inch cock.
Turn: They left a bruise that mildly resembled the shape of Portugal.
Story: My buddy John was a virgin until he got his dick pierced. We
were so happy for him that we bought him a case of WD-40 for his birthday.
Turn: It was his 74th birthday.
Story: I saw Cake in concert. After the concert, I had a few Mountain
Dew-and-vodkas. I got so drunk that I ate out this girl named Candy with Cool
Whip and chocolate syrup.
Turn: I’m diabetic now.
Story: Last year, I decided to give up drinking for Lent. I made it a
few days.
Turn: With all the pot I smoked to make up for the lack of drinking, I
honestly can’t remember if it was actually Lent… or if it was just Lent in the
movie I was watching.
Story: Genesis. Exactly 522 years ago, God stretched out the
firmament. And it was good. To display His supreme magnificence He made the
animals, including the duck-billed platypus and the Yorkshire terrier. Because
he was lonely and needed music, God made Phil Collins and his band of Merry Men.
Turn:
Then God made Eve, as He realized that for the rest of human existence,
women wouldn’t be clever enough to come up with funny creation-before-man jokes.
Story: I went to a fortune teller once. She told me that Charlton
Heston’s ghost would save the Israelites from the tyranny of a bunch of
Leprechauns. He’ll use the plagues, known today as the Type 81 MGS submachine
gun, the hand grenade, and the howitzer cannon.
Turn: You’re the first Charlton’s coming for, and it won’t be pretty.
He wants your pot of gold.
Story: I’ve heard that there is no certain way to tell what type a
person is if they smoke only Marb Lights. These people run the gamut from slutty
college girls to Grumpy Old Men.
Turn: Walter Matthau died of colon cancer; however, he smoked Marb
Lights with his asshole.
Story: In the year 1990, the earth was being destroyed. Greedy
right-wing bastards were taking advantage of every natural resource that former
President Bush allotted. Not much is different.
Turn: Thank Christ for Captain Planet!
Story: I had this professor who made the final a comprehensive list of
vocab terms from the first day of class. I passed the final and got an A. When I
saw her outside of class the next semester, I ran up and gave her a big hug.
