Don't Date These People

No matter how hard I complain, somehow, the scum of the earth keeps breeding. So here you are, your first and final warning. Don't date these people.

1. Anybody with an Ankle Bracelet

House arrest ankle bracelet on a woman's leg
You can run, but you can't hide... or wear a dress.
This goes for people who wear foot jewelry or are on probation. Seriously, are you that stupid to date somebody on house arrest? You always have to head to their place, which is either populated by their parents, drifters, hippies or drifter-hippie parents. If you're dating a truly idiotic piece of jailbait, they can't even go outside to smoke. Since they can never leave, you'll find yourself watching a lot of TV in that shitty smoky house, bringing every meal to that shitty smoky house and getting guilt trips if you want to booze at that shitty smoky house (house arrest kids need to do breathalyzers).

2. Guinness World Record Challenger for Longest Fingernails

Cute girl with long red fingernails
10 reasons not to date her, all in plain view.
Everybody wants to date a celebrity, I should know. I'm propositioned hundreds if not thousands of times every day by my adoring fans. But do you really want to date the cretin who's trying to break the world record for longest nails? If you spend the night, you might find yourself spooning with her crusty claws. Ew glah barf hack blegh! Think about it: She can't use her hands! Sure that might mean she won't give you half-assed attempts at handies and you might get more oral sex, but also she won't be able to fondle your balls or stick a finger in your doo-doo hole (if you're into that). Plus, if you did screw this freakshow, she could scratch your back down to the bone. I'm being an especially big dick to these people because I know they can't type with 90-pound fingernails.

3. The Walmart Pick-Up Artist

Guy in Walmart wearing tshirt that says 'Cause Stone Cold Said So'
Not a compelling reason to agree to a date.
You can meet people anywhere and while I've never banged anybody I've ran into at Walmart, I can see how it's possible since just about everybody gets caught off guard in a giant box store from time to time. But there are people who dress up in their finest Iron Maiden tank tops and freshest pair of jorts in hopes of bagging some tail at Wally World. There are so many reasons this is wrong. Unless you want to be on a tongue-in-cheek ironic website, don't date a Walmart shopper.

4. The Forgetful Romantic...Stoner

Potheads can be great to date. They like to get stoned, you like to get stoned. Romantics are great too—they're so easily tricked in to thinking your relationship is going to work. Either or, you just seem funnier as time proceeds. You can give them a present, take it when you leave and then give it to them again the next day and they won't remember. But don't date the type of stoner who sends herself/himself text messages at night, then forgets about it and then jumps for joy when somebody writes to her/him: "P.S. I love you." Even though that person was herself/himself.

5. Anybody Creepy on the Bus

Now, I've actually successfully dated two amazing girls I met on the New York City subway. I've also seen my share of weirdos during my commute. Worst of all was "The Happy Train Guy" on the morning express N train. I swear, bring me the head of that fucktard and your drinks are on me for the rest of your days. For some reason though, the bus people sketch the shit out of me as much as being in a coffin full of live tarantulas and Phil Collins music. For reals, why even give the time of day to the weirdo who strangles himself with the special needs seatbelt? Do you think when he gets home all of sudden he becomes a normal member of the Beaver Cleaver family? He steps on his "Welcome" mat, takes off the shit-stained dungarees, puts his slimy feet on an ottoman and opens the newest issue of The Economist? I'm betting the answer is: "No fucking way."

6. The Snarky Internet Commenter in Real Life

Guy with shirt off acting like a fairy
The same way you'd expect him to type his next inane comment.
I'm by far not the first to observe how Internet commenters say things on the Wacky World Web that they'd never utter to an actual person. Except they do. Once somebody is just almost out of earshot they say, "I can't believe that whore is wearing that. So last season. Plus, with those thunderthighs..." This person is constantly pissing and moaning about how great Great Britain is because "We play REAL football, not that gay American shite..." when in all actuality this person is a Trainspotting fan from Connecticut who once did a study abroad program in West Ham for a semester.

Then there are the Internet commenters who fail to read the datelines to make some dipshit statement about a blog, story or article that is months or years old. "Time to get a new gig, asshole, your manhood/whore/sophomoric jester jokes are getting tired." They're like George Costanza and his "Jerkstore" line.

Nothing is never good, funny, or witty enough because this anonymous genius has seen and done everything better. No matter how much heart somebody throws into a piece of work, the commenter thinks, "Just quit writing, kill yourself, or both" is acceptable to type to a complete stranger. In truth most commenters haven't produced anything except criticism. Except they're fatter and not as charming as Roger Ebert.

7. The Candy Naming Guy

This is a tough one. First of all, you'd probably get a shitload of free candy if you exchanged kisses with this Willy Wonka Wannabe, but you'd also be forced to listen to his ridiculous adjectives and catchphrases. "I love your diggy-wiggy dog! He's bark-a-liscious!" "Hey-ey-ey-ey-hey honey! I bought some powerfully flowery flowers just for my cutesie bootsie sweetsie!" "Hello there my everlastin' never lambastin'..." No. I can't write any more of that shit because it annoys me so much.

8. Andrei Tolstoy or Trostel or However You Spell That

The guy is great, but I bet he's one of those people who constantly corrects your grammar or says stuff like, "In North Korea, any dog that weighs more than twenty-two kilos is generally used in meat stews, while smaller dogs find themselves in Kim Chi dishes." Then there's the long hair that clogs up every drain in your joint. Or you might find yourself getting yelled at for saying, "I hate pink eye." Then you'll hear Andrei go into a 30-minute soliloquy, "That's just like you homophobes. Go ahead and hate on the queers for liking pink and having eyes for fashion. Then you wonder why your relationships fail. If you'd only read my book..."

9. Your Ex

You haven't changed and neither have they. But they do sometimes remember how to reach your special spot—which, depending on the difficulty to find, might be reason enough to stick with them.

So there you go. Get out in that spooky outside world and find somebody worth dating. Just not these chumps.

P.S. Just kidding A.T., you're the best.



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Gavin Pitt's picture

Awesome article Casey. I have actually dated a guy who was a stoner *and* wore an ankle bracelet, and he was really nice and sweet- except for insisting that he was straight without fail, after every time we fucked. I got cruised by a creepy bus lady once- she had two lazy eyes and one of those Chick-tract things, but she was clearly wanting me for something carnal- possibly using the Chick Tract as some sort of visual aid. I was so glad at being biologically unable to satisfy her that I was almost sorry to get off screaming at the next stop.

You rock!

btw- Don't date Andrei? Really? Okay, if you say so... :pulls out, wipes off, does walk of shame: *g*

Casey Freeman's picture

I needed to look up Chick Tract and that is truly more frightening than anything else you wrote in that comment.

Gavin Pitt's picture

The scary thing is that there are a lot of people who BELIEVE EVERYTHING JACK CHICK SAYS. Freddy Krueger ain't got nothing on the Religious Rong...

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hahahahahaha!!!
Well, you got one thing right Casey, definitely nobody should be "dating" me. ;-P

Oh and Gavin.....ew!!!!

Gavin Pitt's picture

That's what he said! *g*

Double score for a trainspotting reference.