(I came to America)

Don’t get me wrong, Korea has a lot of awesome stuff, but there are just some things the USA does great. Hamburgers, pizza, bagels, Mexican food, Mexican pizza, pizza bagels and so on. Here are some other things…

Comfortable Q-Tips: What’s the difference between an icepick and a Korean cotton swab? An ice pick is a little gentler on your ear drum. Seriously, I don’t know what the hell is the deal with Korean Q-Tips, but they hurt. American ones are so nice and fluffy.

Mexican Food: Sure, the ROK owns a few Taco Bells, an On The Border (sort of like an Applebee’s) and a few other disappointing examples of Mexican food. But America does is better.

Chinese Food: Korean Chinese food is stuff like black bean noodles, fried pork or lamb skewers. For me, it’s General Tsao’s, hot’and’sour soup and some egg rolls.

Bath Tubs: If you have a bathtub in Korea, you’ve made it. Apparently I haven’t made it yet in this country. But my parents’ home sports TWO bathtubs. I don’t really want to use them, but I like the options. If you really want to bathe in a tub, you can rent a love motel and soak. But love motels are for random hookups and prostitutes. Regular Americans: Most foreign folks in Korea have something to prove. In the USA, people are just a little bit more normal. Or at least as normal as they can be.

Not WiFi Everywhere: That’s taken a lot to get used to. Korea has WiFi all over the place. That’s pretty awesome.

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The Sun: In Korea, it’s either TOO hot or TOO cold. Fall and Spring are only about two weeks long each, so it’s nice to have some variety of weather. And to see the sun from time to time. I’m paler than my usual off-white coloring. Stars: Stars are also cool. They help sailors find their way and astrologers convince stupid people they’re going to have good days and meet their soul mates. Also, I can recognize some American celebrities which we also call "stars." I have no idea who Korean celebrities are.

People Taller Than Me: At 5’10"/178 cm, I’m a giant in Korea. Not in the USA.

Wildlife: Sorry guys, but pigeons and stray cats are not real animals.

Fox News: South Korea has their own version of Fox News, but all they do is piss-and-moan about foreigners ruining their country. Wait, that’s pretty much what American Fox News does too. Never mind.

Ovens: Koreans really don’t cook with ovens. It makes baking and pizza making hard.

Big Boobs: Call me a redneck, but giant cans are awesome. I wish Korea would get with the program and start getting larger knockers.

Can you think of any more?