Dear Nation,
I am writing to apologize on behalf of myself and my soldiers for the terrible atrocities we committed. May I point out, however, that we were doing a lot of really good coke.
I know that you are probably still angry, and I am not trying to make excuses. What we did was unforgivable. But in the interest of fairness, I would like to mention that most of my soldiers were high on coke when they committed these crimes. Many others were totally shitfaced. I would not be surprised to learn that some of them were in a blackout.
You know what it's like to do a lot of coke. I'm not talking about a couple lines on Friday night before the club. I mean, these guys were jacked. Many of my soldiers had not slept in days. The fatigue, combined with the fine, Colombian cocaine, led them to make many errors of judgment. And for this I am truly sorry.
This was not your typical coke. This shit was like finely-granulated flour. It had the smell, if you know what I mean. You know how hard it is to stop a coke binge. But still, I regret that my men went so far….
I assure you that my troops are not immoral people. Many of them had chased the coke with whiskey in an effort to combat the comedown. Then, they had to do more coke to stay up and complete their mission. They were under very strict orders. It goes without saying that they were under a lot of stress.
I admit that many of them went too far. But there are many others who stopped after the first couple of shootings, and are now active members of Cocaine Anonymous. So you see, sometimes a good thing comes from something bad…
Please convey my apologies to your surviving family members. Also, tell them that I think the coke may have been cut with some ketamine. I am not sure, but this would explain the unpardonable behavior of some of my troops.
I know we can not undo what has been done. But rest assured that we have plans to erect a tasteful memorial to commemorate the deaths of your loved ones. We have drawn up plans, but it may take a while for us to start construction. You see, we are still in debt to the dealer.
And you know how it goes: kneecaps before headstones.