Universal Health Care is Fucking Boring

I try to pay attention to politics. I even read a lot of the bills that members of the senate don't bother to read. I like to think I know what's going on, but with this health care thing, well I have no clue. And that's because universal health care is fucking boring.

Don't believe me? Well, the most popular example of successful universal health care is fucking Canada. And Canada is super fucking boring.

Germans are very meticulous, neat, boring people and they too have universal health care. I think we all know what that means. If Nazis love health care how can we afford to risk loving health care? Universal health care clearly wants to eliminate the Jews.

And you know what's not boring? Bankruptcy, death and destruction. Those are pretty fucking interesting. I mean think about it; when someone tells you that they just went to the doctor and got some pills, you know you mentally check out. But when someone tells you that they're totally out of money and are gonna die because of the rising cost of health care and their shitty insurance policy, well you pay attention. Hell, you may even host a charity barbecue and get some people to donate to prolonging the life of the useless deadbeat in question. That's just how interesting chaos is. We, as a species, are drawn to it like artists to paint. No fooling.

And that's why I don't understand what everybody is getting so uppity about. All across this once-great nation, people are actually talking to their senators and congress-people in town hall forums. Many of these people are yelling and screaming about universal health care. I just don't see how all these people can get worked up about something that boring. As far as I can tell (and I can't tell very far on account of just how undoubtedly boring this fucking topic is) the poor people want the universal health care because they're too stupid to understand how money works and the rich people don't want the universal health care because they're too stupid to understand that the government can't legally sanction the killing of its nation's grandmas.

None of this makes sense to me. I mean, on one hand I blame the poor people for being too poor to maintain their own health and on the other hand I just can't understand what the rich people think is so great about grandmas anyway. I mean, when they're not making food, they pretty much just take up space.

Anyway, I decided to read a little more about this universal health care stuff and holy crap did that require a lot of coffee down the throat and death metal in the background (reading a thousand page bill on universal health care is more boring than listening to a lecture on the most boring topics of mankind in the most boring room in America, which is incidentally located in Utah, the most boring state in the union). Anyway, after all that reading I deduced the following about the proposed universal health care program:

1. Universal health care is very, very expensive. Like twenty times the bailout per year expensive.
2. Sick people suck and poor people suck, but sick, poor people? They're the fucking worst.
3. For whatever reason, everyone in this country feels they are entitled to every fucking thing they want.
4. Not one member of the congress or the senate would participate in the plan they're developing, which means they have no incentive to create a good plan. So, not only are they boring, they're also hypocrites. Which means they're boring hypocrites.
5. The government hates you and wants to raise your children for you.
6. Health care reform is, and I cannot stress this enough, really fucking boring.
7. Health insurance is the number two cause of bankruptcy in America, right behind sick people.

I'd love to tell you more about this proposed universal health care gimmick—really I would—but the truth is that I just cannot read a thousand pages of legalese without falling asleep and drooling all over the pages. But I do think it's interesting that the policy language for my personal health insurance takes up less than twenty pages and congress can't even word this thing in less pages than your average Tolstoy novel.

And you know what? Come to think of it, Tolstoy's stuff was fucking boring too.

I guess what I'm saying here is, if we really have to have this universal health care stuff, could we at least jazz it up a little? Maybe throw in an action scene or the occasional set of titties? I mean, this is America baby.

And America was not meant to be boring.

That's Canada's job.