(Para's handwriting is on top, my serial killer-style block letters are on bottom. It's sad when a 10-year-old girl learning her second language has better handwriting than a native speaker—and writer.)
Kids all over the planet are hilarious. And mean. The twerps I teach in Korea are no different. Except they're ridiculously smart. At my school, most of my students have English names—so if you see a name that isn't "KC," you can safely assume it's a nine to 15-year-old kid in one of my English classes.
So, here are some more effed up things my kids say…
ALEX: If I could move anywhere, I'd go to Heaven, because I know Casey Teacher won't be there.
KC: Why do you call me the Apple?
ALEX: When you get mad at me, your face turns red, like the apple.
KC: …
ALEX: See!!! You do it now!
DOOLY: Your mother wrote only two lines on that postcard. Does she not like you very much?
KC: Why couldn't they stand on the boat?
KID 1: It was too windy!
KID 2: Too much soju?
(Kids are all laughing)
KC: What's so funny? We've got a joker in the classroom?
LEO: Teacher. Why do you have fur?
KC: Fur?
LEO: On your arms. They have fur.
KC: Oh, that's just hair. Like on your head.
LEO: No it's not. It's fur.
KC: Whatever. So, what's the difference between "and" and "but." (Leo raises hand)
KC: What you got?
LEO: Teacher, can I pet it?
KC: Pet what?
LEO: Your fur.
KC: I have no idea how many code of conduct rules I'm breaking right now, but I can tell you won't let it go and I can tell you can't understand what I'm saying. So whatever.
LEO: So, Teacher KC. Can I pet your fur?
KC: Fine.
LEO: It's so soft. Like hair.
KC: It is hair.
LEO: Can you take it off?
KC: Leo, some people just have hair on their— OUCH! What the shit?!? That hurt. Why the fffffffudge did you do that?!?!
LEO: I didn't think it was real.
KC: How would it feel if I pulled your hair?
LEO: It would hurt.
KC: Exactly. No more petting. (Leo raises hand again.)
KC: Yes.
LEO: Teacher, what is "what the shit?"
KC: Eff. You're going to go home and tell your parents you learned two things: that I have fur and another phrase I accidentally said.
LEO: What the shit! What the shit! What the shit! Teacher KC, WHAT THE SHIT?
KC: You know what that means?
LEO: Shit?
KC: It means, "I have a Japanese girlfriend." (The kids hate Japan, and aren't old enough to like girls yet.)
LEO: Oh, it's a bad word. I will never say THAT again, Teacher!
{Sometimes you have to work really hard to be smarter than nine year olds.}
LEO (Next time): Teacher, let me touch your fur.
KC: If you pull hair, I'll send you to Japan and you'll have to sit with girls.
LEO: Teacher!
KC: I'm kidding, I won't sell you to Japan.
LEO: No, it's not hair. It's fur.
KC: The map was very useful to the tourists. Who can use the phrase, "Very useful for…" in a sentence?
AMY: The man was very useful to the woman.
KEVIN (writing in his diary): I think my English teacher has good thing and bad thing. Bad thing is he give us too much test. I don't know what's good thing about Casey Teacher but I know he have good thing.
(Chloe is by far one of my favorite students. She's brilliant, nice and sweeter than all the Splenda my Grandma steals from Denny's. I couldn't believe my ears when this conversation happened.)
KC: What's the difference between normal dogs and wild dogs?
CHLOE: Wild dogs are spicier.
Until next time my kids say some effed up schtuff!
You're the best!!!
kc