Why the USA is Better Than the Moon

There's a lot of talk on this website on which country is better. USA or Canada or even America vs. England. Everybody tends to have their opinion. But there's a much more important and factual comparison: The United States of America is way more awesome than the Moon.

The Moon - pretty, but worthless (Kind of pretty, totally worthless.)

I mean, first of all, remember the 1960s when JFK said we'd put an American on the Moon? Back then, NASA was basically eight dudes with really expensive Erector sets. And we fucking did it. We did it so fast, the Moon didn't even have a chance to fight back. And the Lunar Monkey Boys still haven't sent a Mooninite to the great U.S. of A. Big ups, America.

Moon People suck(Only losers use Lite Brite.)

Let's look at the definitions. To be Lunar, or Loony, means to be be crazy. To be American, means to be awesome. Suck it, Loonies!

Next, America is a melting pot of diversity in religion, race, economics, and cartoon quality. What does the Moon have? That's right. Just a bunch of gray rocks. Fuck you, Moon.

And in the same vein, we've got purple mountain majesty, amber waves of grain, New York City, LA, Alaska, Hawaii, North Dakota, and environments of all types. What's the moon got? More gray rocks.

The Minnesota Twins, the greatest sports franchise in the history of mankind, play baseball in Minneapolis, Minnesota, which is located in (you guessed it) America. Hell, I'd bet my parents' house and my life savings that eleven friends and I could beat ANY of the best baseball players the Moon has to offer.

While we're (or I'm) talking about sports, get this: America plays both football and soccer (also known as "other football" in some countries). Granted, us Earthlings argue about what's better, American football or soccer, but in truth there's nothing lamer than Moon Football. Bunch of pussies. Not enough action, hitting, or scoring. Sometimes they don't even use their feet! Why would you call it football if you don't use your feet? That's right, because Moon Football is a stupid sport, played by stupid weenies. Even my mom can play Moon Football better than most of these cheesedick Loonies. Plus, we Americans excel at hockey, golf, spelunking, snowboarding, and even a few sick bastards that like to fuck penguins.

There's that little factoid the Moon seems to ignore: your entire existence is to be our SATELLITE! You're not even a real country. You suck. You're so worthless. You're not in the Olympics. You're not in the United Nations. Moon, you're a puny, pathetic waste of space rock.

Granted, America did do quite a lot of harm to the environment, but look at the Moon!!! Every single species is extinct!!! Talk about shitty land and wildlife management. Hey Moon, clean up your own room before chastising us (the U.S.) about our entire country. And your weather sucks too.

In every world disaster, there are Americans flocking to help or donate. Where's the Moon? That's right, the Moon residents don't give a shit about black people. Or white people. Or poor people. Or people in general. That's okay, we don't give a shit about you—except when the opportunity arises to ridicule you and your stupid planet.

Oh shit, you hear about the Moon? NASA crashed something into it. Just cuz. That's how much we care for your way of life. Pussies.

Oh, did I mention we conquered your asses back in the sixties? That's right! Back during the time we were a country of pissed-off Republicans and dirty hippies, and we still wiped the floor with your entire planet! HA! You see this photo! That's an American flag in your soil, sucka!

Our flag, your planet. (Our flag, your planet)

I know some Mooninites think they can drink, but the best thing Moon People can do is lie about how much they can drink. Honestly, the average American can drink ten Loonies under the table. Hell, the average Ethiopian (the biggest drinkin' pussies on the planet next to the French) can booze more than half the Moon's population combined.

And what's with the Moon version of English? With all of its weird spellings and pronunciations you can barely tell that it's the same language. Speak English you idiots! The way God intended it to be spoken: with an American accent! Hearing a Moon person talk is like listening to an obese fat woman quickly rub lotion on her wrinkled rolls. So gross.

One word: gravity. America has it. The Moon doesn't. Not having gravity is simply un-American. And illogical.

Let's just analyze the brilliance of American capitalism. Nike? Did it. McDonald's? Oh fucking yeah. Starbucks? There's probably one across the street from the Taj Mahal and that big pyramid in that desert. How about Moon capitalism? That's right. I can't even think of a single company the Moon people have started. So eat shit, Commies!

Star Trek Crew (Not a single Moon person on the Enterprise. Why? Loonies suck.)

You don't see any Moon people on Star Trek. Know why? They don't exist in the future, because Americans kicked their asses out of the Space Federation for being so lame.

Sometimes, yeah, we're pretty impressed with how the Moon looks. A few days out of the year Americans will say, "Oh man, there's an eclipse tonight. Did you see the Full Moon? Totally rad man." Then guess what? We forget you even exist for months at a time. You're the Canada of planets.

Also, Americans get a bad rap for being obese, but have you seen how fat Mooninites are? And our chicks are way hotter.

Screw you too Mooninites

Now I know I'll take a lot of heat for this, and I'm not racist or anything, but screw Moon people. Let them get on the Internet (if they even have it over there) and rant in my comment box with all the hate they can muster. In reality, everybody would rather be an American eating apple pie, driving a Chevy, and skateboarding than snorting dustrocks on the Moon.

Think I'm wrong? Fill up my comment box. Suckas!

C'mon, one more:

Andrei Trostel's picture

Kc, as your resident Loon with a View I am a little uncomfortable with the dissociation of Loons from Americans. America is a melting pot and even some Loons are also proud Americans.

Otherwise very funny!

Court Sullivan's picture

The moon put a man INSIDE itself. Americans haven't done that yet.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Court, I know lots of Americans that have had men inside them...they are called women, perhaps you have heard of them?

Just fucking come out of the closet already you're not fooling anyone.

Andrei Trostel's picture

...says the "Anonymous" hiding coward that brings up homosexuality when someone else talks about people being inside women. Oh the irony.


Grasshopper's picture

also to moon someone is to show them your arse, coincedence? i think not

Gavin Pitt's picture

I dunno, KC- without the moon we would have no werewolves, and then my dvd collection would be minus THE HOWLING, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, DOG SOLDIERS and the Oz episodes of BUFFY...

i love the story its funny and a nice way to get people off the America vs. England stuff, the comment box is so full of people fighting. Who would have known. well love the story!!!

<3 u bye

lol, not too get too technical, but also, without the moon we would have no tides (well, no big ones), no nifty nice tilt of our axis... that is stable ( without the moon the earth could literally "Tip over"). Your argument is very compelling, funny as shit... Fuck the moon people, but the moon my friend... the moon, does not fuck us.