Weakly Asked Weekly Questions

1. No rhymes of my own. I've been thinking about it lately though, and rappers have got to be extremely intelligent to come up with some of the rhymes they do. Particularly Ludacris. I'm convinced that dude has a pretty high IQ. My favorite rhyme of all time though is from Afroman: "Sip your beers. Wipe your tears. Encourage your peers. It's gonna be alright." It's the most hopeful song about drug dealing I've ever heard.

2. To me, all porn is funny. I find absolutely none of it sexy. It's all a really silly form of entertainment. That might be a girl thing. But really think about it: no one looks anywhere near normal during sex. It's amazing to me that someone still wants to have sex with me after he sees the way I contort my face during an orgasm.

3a. When I saw previews for that movie "Maid of Honor," I wept for all of humankind. I hate chick movies more than anything on the face of the planet. It just made me realize what morons most American women are. I mean seriously.
3b. The advertising industry is totally out of hand. At the risk of sounding like a paranoid conspiracy theorist, I'm paranoid that all ads are a conspiracy to oppress the American public.

1. Yeah, I have entire raps from high school (unsurprisingly). Here's a line from a song that I'll maybe post;

Don't try to get next, when I hop out the Lex
Your girl must be a raver, cuz she swallowing X

Oh what the hell, we'll go for two:

Don't be mad, I know why you're sad, see
It's because your daughter and your girlfriend both call me Daddy

2. Lord of the G-String, featuring Dildo Baggins.

3a. Have to second the Love Guru.

3b. Most beer ads.

1. In our youth, a friend and I recorded a take off of Eminem's Without Me... this kinda combines with the porn question... please remember.... we were young... very young.

I've created a porn star, cause nobody wants to see feel Marshall's left ball, they won't wack me or make my cock quiver. Well if you won't jack Aza, this is what he'll give ya
A little bit of jizz fixed with some dry tissue
That's better than a cock when I get shocked at the hospital by the doctor when I'm not masturbating
When I'm rockin the table while he's ejaculating (hey!!)
You waited this long, now stop copulating
Cause I'm back, and on ya back and fornicating...

It was a solid effort back then....

2. I'm a bit of a porn connoisseur, and one of the funniest things I can remember; one day during my under age porn surfing I came (oh yes) across some obscure video, of a completely naked guy (as you do during sex) wearing a Frankenstein mask, grunting like the undead whilst smashing some chic on what looked to be the front lawn of a suburban house... was weird as

3a. Hated the Guru ads, pretty much any Scary Movie/American Pie ad...

3b. What makes me incredibly violent is a preview which starts with; "a remake, from the mind of George Lucas"... he seems to enjoy taking classics and bum fucking them.

1. No, no hard-core rap rhymes to mention, but I was, however into odd allegories that I actually turned in to my teacher in high school: "Early Riser" -The cock and the ass live on the same farm, yet have always disputed what time to wake up. See, the cock is an early riser and the ass is always red with anger over this because he is often woken up by the cock. One morning, the cock rises unusually early, waking the ass out of his deep slumber. The ass is furious, enraged and red with irritation. He's so mad in fact, that he picks a fight with the cock. After fighting and arguing for hours, the ass is fed up with the cock and sits on him until the cocks body is spent and limp. Moral of the story: Those unwilling to compromise are dealt with irrationally.

And yes, I read this in front of the class and received an A and only a little talking to from the teacher.

2. God I love porn. The weirdest thing I've ever seen was a scene which depicted aliens taking girls hostage and fucking them with their alien dicks and spewing a weird green goo on and into the slave girls, thus impregnating them and then having mutant human/alien babies. The aliens only ever talked like aliens, and some of the slaves looked like they enjoyed it and some looked like they were terrified. Simply weird shit. Like a car wreck, you just can't look away.

3 A and B: Fucking Hollywood Chihuahuas. Can not STAND those commercials and I just want to punch babies every time I see it!

I wasn't going to comment on this week but the post before mine made me.....

I hate that f' ing Chihuahua movie.

1. I do have some good rap lines from high school. Problem is, I can't find them. I thought they were on a folder from my old hard drive, but I think they're actually on a sheet of paper stuffed in some "nostalgia" box. I'll find them again when I'm 70. We used to listen to a lot of No Limit music in high school--you know, for that super crunk factor. I'm pretty sure my lines could only have been better than half the music we listened to.

2. I've seen people dressed as Smurfs (full body paint too) out in the forest having sex.

3. The Love Guru, though I haven't (and won't) see it, makes me feel weird about Mike Myers. Everyone has their creative inspirations, but this one was obviously better off in his head.

1. I grew up in Alberta, and spent a lot of time with horses, which meant at barns, which meant country music. So while I never wrote a line of rap, somewhere in my parents' basement in a box with my name on it, there's a notebook full of country lyrics. I pray noone ever finds it.

2. Definitely this weird plant porn thing. I won't go too far into it, because it was so fucked up that I still can't look at that spiral bamboo the same, but there was a spiral bamboo and a carnivorous fly-trap thing and a sunflower and a naked fairy involved, and the places those sunflowers seeds went...well, they ain't never coming back.

3A. I second "Maid of Honor". Also, "Maid in Manhattan". Maybe I just have a thing against maids. Or stupidity.
3B. The Brooke Shields ad for Volkswagen where she tells people not to get pregnant for a car. God, I don't even know why THAT ad, but I want to punch her and every pregnant woman in the ad. In the stomach. Just for being associated with such a retarded commercial.