My First Everclear Experience

Trying grain alcohol is hazardous to your health.

 (The booze. Not these guys, but they were pretty cool in the 90s.)

I heard Everclear is basically the same thing as rubbing alcohol, except rubbing alcohol makes you go blind. Or maybe it's the other way around. Or maybe it's both. Who knows? And who's dumb enough to try?

Well, me, of course. I wasn't the most intelligent of 19-year-old university freshmen.

One night, I shared some adult drinks with some not-quite-so-adult friends. I hadn't reached "shitbombed" status yet, but I was well on my way thanks to Hurricane Premium Malt Liquor (only $1.65 for 40 ounces).

Then my new friend Ron showed up holding an interesting-looking bottle of clear liquid I'd never seen before.

(Everclear: the stuff drinking nightmares are made of.)

RON: Hey KC, want to take a pull of Everclear?
KC: Like, in a mixed drink or something?
RON: No you pussy. Just a shot.
KC: Like, out of a shotglass? (I said "like" a lot more back then.)
RON: No, straight out of the bottle.
KC: No way dude.
RON: C'mon, don't be a pussy.
KC: I'm not a pussy, but I heard you, like, go blind from that.
RON: That's just an urban myth, like the laws of gravity.
KC: Oh. Well, I don't really understand physics. I dropped out of it in high school. It's probably the reason I changed my major from pre-med. That and the chemistry requirements. And all the studying. And the necessity to get good grades. But I thought being in college for seven or eight or nine years would be cool. Because being in college rules! (KC drinks from his 40.)
RON: So why don't you just take a pull of Everclear and make college rule even harder?
KC: You've got a point. So I just take a drink out of the bottle?
RON: Just like the same way you're doing with the 40 ouncer you're drinking right now.
KC: Just, can you keep your cigarette away from me? Please? I don't want to go blind AND be on fire.
RON: Fine you fucking vag.
KC: I'm a vag who's about to take a pull of the strongest alcohol known to man.

I took the bottle. It looked like a cheap bottle of vodka, and hey, vodka mixes with anything and everything: orange juice, Sprite, Coca Cola, root beer, apple juice, Mountain Dew and all types of stuff. Then I smelled it. I wasn't sure if the bottle happened to be a Molotov Cocktail or something humans can actually imbibe.

KC: Ron, are you sure about this?
RON: Judas fucking Priest, Freeman. You are truly the biggest wuss in South Dakota. (Ron snatched the bottle from my hand, tipped it back and chugged a little.)
RON: See?
KC: Fine.

I attempted the same thing. I put the bottle to my mouth and instantly felt like I needed to use some Chap Stick. I opened my lips and the liquid first touched my teeth and I felt my butthole clench as if I tried to stop from diarrhea-ing myself. When the grain alcohol touched my tongue my eyes started tearing up.

Then I tried swallowing. I really did. But once the Everclear hit the little punching bag thingy in the back of my throat my whole body did what my mouth wanted to. It rejected the liquor.

Flowery writing aside, I barfed my guts out. All the all-you-can-eat dorm food and whatever malt liquor I drank before ended up on the front steps of whatever house I stood near. If I could have opened my eyes, I'd see a pile of vomit colored with Froot Loops and hamburgers and shitty pasta my little mind and big stomach and bigger eyes decided to eat that dinner time.

Then I puked some more. And more and more and more.

What I'd forgotten since the last time the flu came my way, throwing up when you're not shitbombed drunk hurts a lot and sucks. Almost as much as Everclear sucks.

After this, I started my period because I'd wasted the $9 worth of 40 ouncers I'd bought for that night, bankrupting my alcohol for the other night. My only choice for drinking...more Everclear.

So I bummed Natural Lights off of a friend and continued drinking. But no more Everclear. Ever.

See also: