My Deep Dark Secret

I don't know why, but I trust you guys. I have something in my past I'm not very proud of, but I need to get it off my chest. Most of my best friends don't even know this, but I feel like coming clean to the entire public and my millions of daily PIC readers.

Dang, this is hard. But I told myself I was going to do it.

Here goes.

I really, really suck at soccer. From kindergarten to sixth grade, I was one of the worst players in the world. Most of the time I just sat on the ground eating grass hoping the game would end so I could get my juice box and Rice Krispie treat.

I'd pretend to get screened by the other team so people wouldn't kick the ball to me. I tried to get the entire team infested with head lice so they'd cancel games. I'd claim to be Jewish and say I couldn't exercise on Saturdays. I'd tell my parents I was sick, so I could simultaneously get our team out of the C-League Playoffs, and me into my basement so I could watch "Transformers" cartoons.

But my story becomes more intriguing. I never became good at gradeschool soccer, but slowly I started succeeding at life, despite my athletic handicap. It took years of effort, ability and elbow grease to get where I am today, and I probably would have been an unemployed journalist a lot sooner if I didn't suck at "European football." I struggle everyday with that burden, but every day I come closer and closer to being as cool and important as the kids that didn't suck at sports.

Good grief, what a relief to get that off my shoulders. I hope we can still be friends.