Bouncer Wisdom: Door Dough

Bouncers like money...

(Bouncers like give us some!)

I hate to tell you, but high fives just aren't paying the bills guys. If you haven't noticed, things are getting more expensive, and I'm not making shit for money. And maybe you're earning assloads of cash, and maybe you're not. The point is, bouncers would like some of that dough too.

Now, you can just straight up give us money. That will earn you a lot of favors. We may escort you to the front of the bar and tell the bartender you're cool. That, and 99 cents can get you diarrhea from McDonald's. But, it may also get you deals on drinks. Because bartenders love money more than we do.

But, if you're not in the mood to just throw your hard-earned bucks at strange bouncers, here's other ways to give us money and why:

To skip the line.

This is by far the most important and popular. What most patrons don't understand, is that they're on a night on the town. We're not. Bouncers, while we do have our share of fun at the workplace, we're still at work. We're paid (not a lot) to keep things running smooth and orderly. That also means, WE have the authority. Not you. Not your friend who's spending his weekly salary inside. Not your hot girlfriend. We. The bouncers. Run. The Door.

Now how much is enough to skip the line? Well, that depends on the night, how busy it is, the establishment, how big of a douchebag you are, the size of your group and so on and so forth.

Just like how we decide who gets the Bouncer Hug Back Pound, we also decide on how far into your wallet you'll have to reach. Don't expect to slip us a crumpled Hamilton and expect you and fifty of your semi-closest Facebook buddies to sneak by the queue. Expect to pay at least five bucks a head, but don't be surprised to hear ten or twenty as your quote.

But don't lose hope. We're bouncers. We're about one iota less sleazy than used car salesmen. We can deal. You see, there are all type of non-monetary favors you can do to make this a mutually great relationship.

Do you own a restaurant? Great, because everybody eats, and doormen love a great deal on food.

Is your girlfriend a whore? Fantastic, perhaps she can humiliate you in front of the entire bargoing public.

Are you a drug dealer? Awesome, even though most bouncers don't do drugs, we know people who do, and we can send you a lot of business your way—or just enjoy that tasty little nug.

Are you a cop? Shit. We don't have any authority over you.

Could you be a nerd? Then talk to us about the up-coming Green Lantern movie rumors. Most bouncers I know are huge fucking dorks, and we'll trade some geek-out time for VIP treatment (or maybe that's just me).

Do you own a bank? Cool, go to the fucking ATM and take out some cash you fucking cheapskate.

The next most popular way to give a bouncer money is:

If you, your brother, girlfriend, GMILF or date is underage.

Now this is really debatable. Personally, I don't deal with this shit. Mostly because women aren't to be trusted (you never know when one will be a cop or crazier than usual).

But also, most rookies (underage kids) are the worst people in bars. They're louder, drunker and feistier. Young sluts are cool, but not when you've mopped up as much dining hall puke as I have. And, unfortunately, cleaning barf is usually part of a bouncer's job. You didn't think it was all glitz and glamor, did you?

Now, you're wondering, how much? Well, that all depends. How young are you? How many people? How big are your cans? How long can I feel them? Are you doing anything later?

$50 is a good start. "What? It costs my normal friend five bucks to skip the line, but if I wait and am underage, I've got to drop fifty?" I'm pretending you're asking. Yup. Why? I can get fined, arrested, fired, and be blacklisted from every bar in the tri-county area. I know you don't give a shit about that, but I do.

Even though my job makes me stand in the cold, deal with drunk fucktards, clean up bodily fluids and take the occasional fist to the face, it's still my job. And I kind of like it. Most of all, it beats being a fry cook, which is pretty much the next step down—even though the benefits of all the chicken fingers I can eat are sounding pretty good right now...

I'm KC for Bouncer Wisdom. I'll see you next week for another round—on me.

More in the "Bouncer Wisdom" series:
Bouncer Wisdom: Respect at the Door
Bouncer Wisdom: Door Dough
Bouncer Wisdom: Bar Room Brawls
Bouncer Wisdom: Bulletproof Juice
Bouncer Wisdom: One-Liners
Bouncer Wisdom: Chewing Tobacco
Bouncer Wisdom: Disguises
Bouncer Wisdom: Hook Ups
Bouncer Wisdom: Retirement

See also:

Here for letting in 'Ragers, (word me and some buds use for "underagers") to a licenced venue, the fine to me personally is AUD$7,000. The establishment then gets hit for 14,000. I potentially face disciplinary action such as fines and loss of licence which means I can't work in the industry. Harsh I know. But the various state and Federal governments are trying to clean up t he images of street fighting drugged up, pissed up louts I suppose. So when I do get ragers come through (usually girls) and palm me with a fake ID or *laughs* their school library card (yes, it has been done) I tell them something along the lines of: "Tell you what, you give me $10,000. That way I can pay the fine should the Police or Liquor Licencing find you here and I can make myself a tidy little profit for the night while I look for further employment once I would inevitably get fired."
Rager: "I am telling the cops" (in outraged tone).
me: "Go ahead sugar tits, (points out closest station or cops doing foot patrol) by the way, I don't like your shoes anyway so I wouldn't let you in. And oh yeah; "Management reserve the right to refuse entry," I have been appointed by this bar to be the gate keeper. Have fun talking to the cops yeah? See ya..."

hahahaha fun and games bro, fun and games.