The Advantages of Living with a Girl

Living with dudes is cool. You're bros. You share beer, toothbrushes, and the four dishes, two spoons and eight forks. But dudes also take big smelly craps and steal the treat whiskey you've stashed in your sock drawer.

Now, I'm living with one of my best friend's girlfriends. This is about the third time I've lived with one of my buddies' ladies.

I've been known to steal somebody's girlfriend here and there, but never one of my friends' gals. Okay, never one of my true friends' girls. That's not the point.

Living with girls can be cool. Yes, it can suck. Deeply. With teeth. 

On some days I have to act as relationship counselor, listen to shoe talk, bash the heads of potential wannabe suitors, or watch crap like Ella Enchanted instead of ninja movies. 

But, for the most part, living with girls is awesome. 

From time to time, I get invited to go along for girls' night out. Instead of looking like a pimp hanging out with six hot chicks, I look like their gay best friend. And girls' night out isn't nearly as badass as boys' night out, but instead of strippers, alcohol poisoning and felony-level arson, there's always a great selection of snacks.

Then, there's the girl roommate as fashion guide. Because sometimes I dress like this:

KC in a Star Trek t-shirt with an NES laser gun

Now I ask my roomie why shouldn't I get laid while wearing a Star Trek t-shirt, sunglasses at night and the NES Power Glove as I carry a Light Gun?

Well, my feminine flatmate always lays it out there plain and simple: "Girls will think you look stupid." Which is generally what I'm going for. Because, you know, eventually I'll find the big boobied rich lady who's into geeks like me.

Then there's the food. If there are leftovers, I get to eat them. Or, if there is candy, I get to eat it. Then when my roommie wonders where all her goodies went, I just say, "Weren't you on your period the other day?" Then she blames herself for my wrongdoings and buys more candy for me to eat. It's a win/win (for me). 

In the same vein, scented candles, oils and shit like that. As long as I mask how loud my farts are, the air in our place is so aromatic, nobody can tell I've been dropping methane bombs that would clear out a stockyard.  Also, when I do get girls over at my house, all that nice-smelling crap comes in handy when I want to set the mood for a makey-outey session.

Best of all is the shower. Not the fact that I've got to clean up hairballs. That sucks. But, every time I wash myself (once a week whether I need it or not) I can experiment with girl products.

guess which crap is mine?(My shower: guess what's mine)

I identify my shower stuff by colors. I know my conditioner is green, soap is blue and shampoo is in a white bottle. Don't ask me the brand names or anything else. I just know colors. When I buy new stuff, it takes me a few months to figure out which is which. 

But girls have the most amazing shower stuff and gadgets. There's soap with crud in it that feels like you're washing yourself with suntan lotion somebody put sand inside of. Girls have these rocks that are supposed to polish wood, remove gum from your barefeet or something. Best of all, girl-smelling soap. I adore how girls smell after they shower. Now, I get to smell that way. And I don't even have to make a commitment (except sign a lease). Unfortunately, this soap doesn't taste as good as it smells, but I still feel like I just got a knobber in the bathtub for some reason.

There's also some battery-powered thing that looks like an electric toothbrush without the toothbrush, but I haven't figured out how to use that thing. Maybe it's a foot massager?

(What the hell is this thing? Good luck charm for the shower? Maybe a cleaning product like Scrubbing Bubbles? Broken electric toothbrush?)

The Bad Crap About Living with a Female

Cleaning: Some girls are cleaner than boys, some aren't. But either way you're thrust into the "Slob Guy" or "Anal Retentive Clean Weirdo." 

Cats: What the fuck is with girls and cats? They're the only acceptable animal to beat mercilessly—besides dudes who still wear Affliction shirts. And I would, if only cats weren't so fast and nimble. At least dogs do entertaining stuff, like eat your boogers and enjoy smelling your farts.

Listening to her bash my friend when she's pissed: I know my mates like to get shitfaced and wear their pants as headbands. I know this irks the women folk—because I have to hear about it constantly.

Hot Friends: Sure girls have hot friends. And sometimes you accidentally bang those hot friends. Then those friends know where you live and always have an excuse to come over. Suck.

Answering Underwear Questions: Sometimes my female flatmates ask me to rate their awesome undies. Which is awesome. But I don't get to do the squeeze test, which sucks. And then I can't really brag about it and say, "I saw this hot chick in her underwear last night. She had the sweetest ass. Oh yeah. That's your girlfriend. Shit. You saw her ass too. Without underwear. Then you banged her."

Period Stuff: I try to pretend this shit doesn't happen. But it does. I usually hope the dog eats all that stuff so I don't have to see it.



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1st: are you wearing one of those metal arthritis bracelets? does it work?

2nd: it's a rabbit. and it's amazing.

3rd: cats are horrible.

Casey Freeman's picture

Anony,

1. Yes, that is an arthritis bracelet I'm wearing. You must be incredibly perceptive. I believe it works, so it works for me. From all of my adventures, I was developing arthritis. This helps out a ton.

2. Oh really?

3. Thanks for agreeing with me. You're the best!

Nah, I was just really high... it caught my attention. I wonder if it would work for tendonitis?? Yes really. Trust me..

Not funny. Very poor writing. Promoting animal cruelty, even if you were trying (and failing) to be funny makes you an asshole. Quit trying to write because you suck terribly.

Casey Freeman's picture

Anony2, just so you know, every time somebody gives me a bad comment on one of my old pieces, I instantly go outside, beat the first furry animal I see, vote Republican (or Democrat) and then throw a recyclable item into the wrong Dumpster. So there!

Jessica Lynn's picture

"accidentally bang" hahaha

Frank's picture

Cats suck. My dad used to throw firecrackers at them. Couple years later, he said it was kinda cool sharing a jail cell with Michael Vick and he learned more about football philosophy than anyone could ever learn in a lifetime playing Madden which made him a douche because he would correct me everytime I yelled stuff like "What the fuck? Why are you not trying to isolate your receiver on the strong side by making your tight end go deep to force a 1v1 coverage?" or "Jesus Christ, why would you run instead of going for a play action roll out with your tight ends running flat and corner routes so you have the option of running it in with the QB and passing to somebody?"during games.

Nah I'm kidding. My dad doesn't watch football because DUN DUN DUN, he's Asian. He threw firecrackers at cats back in China. The law didn't give a damn. People thought it was funny. Good times was had by all. Except the cat but cats suck.

Totally agree on the suckage of cats. First animal I ever got bitten by was a cat. Dumb animal tried to take my finger off when I was trying to feed it some food. Cats are insane, and should be kicked whenever seen.

I'm actually super messy for a girl but am trying to remedy that. I hate mess, but I equally hate cleaning. It's a dilemma.

Totally agree that girl shower stuff is awesome.

LOL Hilarious man. Just hilarious.

That was me who said hilarious.

Also, I hope you don't mind I'm going to post your stuff on my blog?

Boredom.No.Moredom

Also, why do I look like a creepy Indiana Jones in my avatar?

Casey Freeman's picture

Melissa,

Thanks for the kind words. You're the best.

You're welcome to post this in your own blog, as long as I'm given some credit, i.e. don't erase your name and post mine.

I'll check out the blog when I have some free time.

The weirdo purple-suited pimp superhero photo is only for those people who don't put an actual photo in their profile.

LOL Of course I'd accredit you. It wouldn't make sense if those words came from me, a straight woman, and since a lot of my blog subscribers know me, that'd never pass as fact. So let me get this straight....you DON'T want me to erase MY name and put YOURS? Done. ; )

Here is the linkie-loo.

http://melissadesa.wordpress.com/2010/02/18/the-advantages-of-living-wit...

What an a-hole.....

KC How old are you -47/8 ewwwww

The strange electric toothbrush without the toothbrush...that's a vibrator. She probably doesn't want you touching it, nor would I imagine you'd want to.

Gee, ya think? :facepalm:

Its really early in the morning and I have yet to sleep, so I was reading this random blog hoping it was so boring it would make me sleepy.

Needless to say that did not happen.

Thanks for the man perspective of things. It's insightful.

*huh* named used belongs to a registered user. How fun!

-CC

I think this is the second time I've read this page, and it was still funny. I live with my boyfriend, but he never seems to enjoy all the "girl stuff" like you do. He never uses any of my stuff either. He does like it because I cook all the time, so he gets something besides hot pockets and pop tarts. He also knows never to touch my chocolate. ^_^
I think geeky is pretty hot, and my bf is a math and physics major, game-playing geek.
And that pink thing is called a Rabbit, which is a vibrator. But, I think you already knew that and were trying to be clever.

Somewhat funny but I like cats. I know you were trying to be funny but come on. I hate dogs but I wouldn't hurt one.

Hahaa, hilarious reading. :D Try to get some girl interested in Startrek and you'll find soon that the only reason to be "interested" about something you like was that they will be interested about YOU. Another option -- IF they are die-hard fans for something, then the relationship with this specimen is more than complex with a "normal" one.

haha oothbrush

Great post. Also somewhat funny is the fact that people feel the need to clarify the toothbrush/rabbit "confusion."

Ditto ::facepalm::

I don`t care if someone likes cats or dogs, whatever one`s taste is. But beating animals, just for some arrogant stupid reason (or no reason at all)? Every fucktard that does stuff like that should burn in hell. Just imagine if your favourite animal would be treated the same way - not so funny anymore, eh?
And for all those dipshit heads out there that feel touched by this, don`t bother replying, won`t even bother to come again here to read your brilliant and delightfull softbrained replies.

PS for others: Sorry about the picky language, couldn`t put it in any more civilised form, because it probably wouldn`t arrive at the group this is aimed for.

I thought this was quite funny lol