I Killed a Rabbit*

Settle down, PETA activists, it's not what you think. I didn't subject cute fluffy bunnies to any sort of cruelty, although I can't say the same for a pink jelly rabbit of the vibrating sort, whose unfortunate fare is the subject here.

When I first procured the beloved deceased, I was like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning, too busy ripping through its packaging to bother saving the little slip of paper that might have mentioned something about a warranty. I'm sure I threw it away, lost in a sea of plastic wrap, cardboard box pieces, and colored tissue paper, which was used by the 30-something gentleman (doubtless, still living with his mother) at the couples store to delicately wrap my purchase after I respectfully declined his offer to put batteries in to "make sure it works." Had I, however, pilfered through the carnage after my initial bout of excitement and found the warranty, I don't honestly think I could bring myself to send a vibrator back to the manufacturer. Incidentally, what kind of fucking freak gets the job as the guy receiving used, malfunctioning sex toys? Umm, gross.

A moment of silence, please, in reverence of the rabbit....

The way it felt deep inside me when the rabbit died.It was my first toy—unless, of course, you count the unconventional use of fresh produce and other household items that conveniently fit in a certain bodily orifice. I only had it for a couple of months but was already on my third pack of batteries, which leads me to believe that perhaps his death was less a result of faulty workmanship and more that of user abuse—or, shall we say, overzealous use. Despite the shortlivedness of his stint pleasuring my nether regions, I must stress his undying devotion to fulfill the purpose for which he was designed, down to the last volt. I maintain that thing was the best damn $40 I've ever spent. Rabbit, may you rest in peace in that big place in the sky where all dead vibrators and dildos go when their lives here are finished. You will forever be remembered fondly. (Insert cliché love montage to the tune of "I've Had the Time of My Life.")

In your honor, I've created this list of reasons you made the world a better place:

1. Safer Driving: When I'm not horny, I'm a less aggressive driver, and in general, a nicer person. I'm less likely to relentlessly tailgate people who cut me off, curse at people that don't use their blinkers, glare at drivers going 55mph in the fast line on the highway as I pass them, and use my horn. Consequently, I have decreased hypertension, which leads me to #2...

2. Better Health: Needless to say, a healthy sex life is part of any adult's well-being, but for those of us who have trouble finding a stable relationship and don't want to whore around to get some, a mechanical device that can achieve the same results as any living, breathing human is the perfect solution. The problems said individuals have with emotional intimacy is completely irrelevant.

3. Greater Chances of Reaching Self-Actualization: We are all familiar, or should be, with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs—a pyramidal scheme that describes which needs must first be met in order to reach fulfillment on a higher level. Since we cannot reach self-actualization without first satisfying such base needs as sexual desire, and dependence on a man/woman for fulfilling these needs effectively undermines the very concept of self-actualization, it goes without saying that sex toys are a necessary tool in any woman's path to enlightenment and transcendence.

4. World Peace: As a great Chinese philosopher one said, "A race can only be won one step at a time; so shall world peace be attained." (Okay, actually, I just made that up.) Anyway, the point is that by improving the quality of life for just one individual—me—the world is, in some small way, a better place. Just think what problems we might solve by sending terrorists a box of masturbators.

The optimist I am, I've found a silver lining even in my rabbitless plight: now I have an excuse to buy a better (read: bigger) replacement! Maybe I'll hold off on the MagnumJackRabbit3000, but a step up from the 4" beginner vibrator will be fun. More twisting, rotating, titillating fun...oh my god, I'm getting a little wet just thinking about it.

Just kidding. Are you blushing? That's so cute. Now donate to a good cause (world peace) and buy me a new sex toy.

*No animals were harmed in the making of this article.