Many young men out there in the world who feel insufficiently appreciated by the females in their social circle have resorted to some desperate measures, such as pretending to like Justin Bieber. Of course, this kind of pathetic maneuver produces nothing more than the scorn and derision it deserves. Attempts to curry favor with women by feigning interest in their favorite cultural products needs to be more subtle and devious.

This is where Vampire Wingman comes in.

No elaborate costume is required but a little black clothing doesn’t hurt. A set of fake fangs can be a useful accessory as well. Then it’s just a matter of you and Vampire Wingman approaching a likely mark and asking, "Have you met Edward… Edward Cullen?" At this point it’s a good idea for Vampire Wingman to bare his fangs. If the response is a blank stare then you’re dealing with a woman who is either illiterate or has enough self-respect never to have wasted her time reading Twilight. If the response is something along the line of, "That is sooo stupid," then you’ve got a live one.

Talking about vampire novels is just a sneaky way of getting a woman to think about sex without betraying your true intentions. Some fellows will protest that approaching women with a wingman pretending to be a vampire is the height of indignity, in which case, get over your fucking dignity hangup. Indignity is your fate. Accept it, embrace it, make it work for you. Don’t be one of those guys who goes home at the end of the night with his pride and nothing else.

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Now the last thing you want to do is get into a protracted discussion about Twilight, because that would be boring as shit even if you had read the book, which of course you haven’t. The important thing to understand here is what vampire novels really are: sanitized sexual fantasy for females. It’s also important to appreciate the value of having a woman thinking about sexual fantasy anywhere in your vicinity.

Twilight sex scene
She’s now playing out the same fantasy you are (having sex) in her mind. Just be sure to answer to "Edward."
Some people might suggest that talking about vampire novels is a good way to show that you’re sharing in a woman’s interests. This is a load of crap. Talking about vampire novels is just a sneaky way of getting a woman to think about sex without betraying your true intentions. Much like the novels themselves.

Before your mark can get started asking you questions about a book you haven’t read, it would be a good idea to have Vampire Wingman ask her when he can sink his fangs into her soft supple neck. This will be interpreted as totally creepy, thereby making you seem less creepy by comparison. Thank you, Vampire Wingman.

When the inevitable question arises about whether you’ve read Twilight, you need to be ready to make your move. Try telling her that you started reading it but then you stopped because you wanted to wait until you could find the right person to read it with. If you’ve selected your mark well, she will be the kind of woman who harbors fantasies of bibliophilic lust, in which a man physically accompanies her on an escape into the lustful fantasies of the printed page. How much reading you might have to endure before a payoff depends on your skill at closing the deal.

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Tricking a woman so easily might seem too good to be true, but the reality is that women want to be tricked. Every woman who reads a vampire novel has a deep and abiding lust for trickery. Redirecting her lust for trickery into lust for the trickster is your secret to success.

Your sleazy efforts to exploit a woman’s weakness for fantasy will bring great pleasure to your monkey brain, which can now look forward to the long-term prospect of some day contaminating the gene pool with your sorry seed. Instead of facing a future of relentless self-abuse you can now look forward to the joys of willing female anatomy. Congratulations, my friend. Through the sheer force of deception, you’re on your way to making some unsuspecting young lady’s life miserable. For that you deserve to be proud; but always remember that it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of Vampire Wingman.

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