Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms: WTF is Happening to My Dick?!

Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms

I've been seeing the commercials for these new Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms. In the commercial two people walk into the store, their hair blown back from the supposed force of all the orgasms they've had (or possibly stuck in that position because of all the flying bodily fluids that got caught in their hair during this apparently epic fuck session), and ask what kind of condoms they had just bought and used.

First off, that's just irresponsible consumerism. You need to know what you're buying, especially when the consequence of ignorance is AIDS, a baby, and/or an AIDS baby. How many times have you been in a rush, run to the store, grabbed the first box you saw in the condom aisle, then arrived home only to discover you've bought a box of party balloons...and in your horny desperation tried to use them as condoms? No? Just me? Fine, be that way. The point is, balloons make terrible condoms and if I'd just taken a few seconds to read the box, neither Carrie-Anne nor I would have had to go to the hospital for first degree friction burns on our genitals.

LifeStyles Ribbed Pleasure condoms boxNormally, though, I'm very particular about my condom choice. Having tried many different brands and types of baby-juice catchers, I've narrowed down my selection to the ones that best suit me given the particular situation. If I have the time, money, and forethought to stock up beforehand, I'll usually go for LifeStyles Ribbed. They have a snug-but-not-tight fit and an acceptable amount of lubrication. I also like to put them on inside out so that I get all the extra ribbed sensation. Trust me, guys, give it a try. It's a whole new experience.

NYC Condom by LifeStylesIn a pinch, the NYC Condoms work quite well. For those of you who don't live in New York City, many bars here have bowls of free condoms provided by the city just sitting around waiting to be taken and used. Whenever I'm low on cash and I happen upon one of these bowls sitting on a bar like unsavory Halloween candy, I grab handfuls of them, take them home and store them up like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter.

Trojan Magnum condoms boxEvery once in a while I'll buy a box of Magnum condoms. I don't really need Magnums but if there's a cute girl at the register I'll grab a box, put it down on the counter, wink at her, and, usually, get escorted out by security. You can't blame a guy for trying.

But these Fire & Ice condoms are a completely different beast. They advertise that they create a warming sensation that turns into a tingling sensation which enhances the sexual pleasure. I'm sure it does create a new and exciting sensation for you and your partner... if you're expecting it. But if you're using one of these chemically-enhanced condoms without knowing it, like I was, it can be one of the most horrifying experiences of your life.

What if this girl had some sort of extremely fast-acting STD that condoms are powerless to protect against?Let me set the scene for you. I was back in my hometown visiting my family for a couple of days and I ran into a girl I'd lusted after and masturbated to many times in high school. We decided to meet at a bar later that evening to catch up. In the years since high school I'd lost a lot of weight and learned how to talk to women without sweating like a runaway slave, so she was actually into me. After 5 or 6 tequila shots she was inviting me back to her place. Once again, Jose Cuervo proves himself the ultimate wingman.

We got back to her apartment and started going at it. The rumors in high school were true: she really could suck the sap out of a maple tree. She asked me if I had any condoms. Sadly, I didn't. Since I had planned to spend the week with my mom and my aunts, the thought of any sexual encounter hadn't even entered my mind. (Actually, there was one dream that will haunt me ‘til the day I die.) So she went rummaging through her drawers and found one. I tore it open, slapped it on, and got down to the business at hand.

At first it was all good. Then suddenly things got a little warmer down there. I disregarded it because, well, I was fucking. I was distracted. Then it got a lot warmer. I thought that the condom had broken. I started to remember the other rumors about this girl in high school and my mind flashed back to the Costco sized bottle of penicillin that a guy I knew had to buy after he'd slept with her junior year. I remembered being at the urinal next to him in the bathroom and seeing him fall to the ground curled up in a ball, weeping with unimaginable pain as he tried to take a leak and Chlamydia burned out of his dick like sulfuric acid.

I screamed and fell off the bed. Panic stricken, I looked from her puzzled face to my crotch and saw that I was still fully sheathed. I told her that I got a cramp in my leg and apologized for the abrupt dismount. Hopping back onto the bed we resumed our sexual congress.

Then the tingling began.

Initially it just seemed like a shudder of pleasure, so I went with it. Then it started to get more pronounced. I was losing focus on my thrusting and concentrating on this strange sensation engulfing my junk. The tingling sensation became a prickling sensation and then, mixed with the heat, a stinging sensation. My mind suddenly started racing with thoughts:

Has BenGay had marketed a brand of condom I don't know about? Wait, what if this girl had some sort of extremely fast-acting STD that condoms are powerless to protect against? Fuck, this "Super STD" could be the next Ebola and here I am fucking the carrier monkey!

As all this was going though my mind I didn't realize that we had been sliding on the bed, and I was now accidentally banging her head against the wall. The sounds that I had taken for moans of pleasure were actually her trying to tell me to slow down as she was slowly losing consciousness. I stopped and looked down at her. For the longest moment of my life she didn't move and I thought I'd killed her. Then she stirred. She turned her head, looked up at me with glassy eyes and said, "Wow, that was great. I think I have to go home now." I reminded her that she was home and told her that I should be going. She said that was probably a good idea because she suddenly had the worst headache she'd ever had.

Trojan Fire & Ice condoms 3-packI got dressed so fast I might have set some sort of land speed record. As I was making my way to the door I saw the condom wrapper on the floor. I picked it up and saw that it was a Trojan Fire & Ice. Then it all made sense. I started to laugh. I turned back to the girl to tell her what I thought was so funny just as she leaned over the bed and vomited on her floor. I took that as my cue and went home.

It turns out she had a concussion.

The good news is I got tested the next week and certified STD-free! A few weeks later I picked up a box of Fire & Ice condoms and used them again. This time, knowing what to expect, I enjoyed them a lot. So, besides the panic attack and the potentially life threatening injury, Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms get the Marcus Terry Seal of Approval®.


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Dollar Bill's picture

You're a funny guy! But seriously...those AIDS-preventing Nonoxynol-9 condoms are the absolute worst! They completely ruin me! Pissing after sticking my stuff in that toxic dumpsite of a rubber feels like needles getting stuck in the end of my dork! And it actually takes a few days for me to recover. So while you joke...this really IS a serious issue - ya know - all the gunk rubber manufacturers stick in condoms to make them more enticing! And btw...hookers hate those nonoxynol-9 rubbers as well. They say it makes their throat and mouth numb when they give a blow job. One actually said she got the runs from sucking on one of them.

Marcus Terry's picture

Umm... thanks for the insight, Dollar Bill. Next time I get a hooker I'll take pains to be more accommodating in the choice of condom I use... to fuck the filthy hooker.

Paul Frank's picture

"For the longest moment of my life she didn't move and I thought I'd killed her."

LOLOL good article

cheerios's picture

omg, you're alive!

Those Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms are the worst feelings ever! It feels like if I put some DeepCold on my dick! The same feeling for my girlfriend . The + is that the moment is longer, but ... not funny at all! I like better quicker and a lot of pleasures.

This is freaking awesome!

Casey Freeman's picture

NYC condoms sucks. Also, unknowingly using a colored condom is cause for concern when you finally look at your dong.

_'s picture

Nice article, I enjoyed that.

For the first time ever... I'm with Frank here. That line alone makes this article amazing. I had a good laugh there. Nicely done.

I've always hated condoms for all the too obvious reason but wouldn't it be just lovely to go back in time, like 30 odd years ago when pussy was so good & clean and juicy, you could just get it in the raw, never use a condom and hardly ever fear an horrible outcome, and if so, nothing like a simple shot of penicillin to get you back in the drivers seat. Sadly, those days are gone, don't chance on it to be coming back either unless you have a "fiery" appetite.

My best friend, when newly married, was given a "mint flavored" condom by another friend. Her comment was, "Oh, goody, mint and latex, my favorite!" Her husband's response was to scream, because the damned mint started burning when they got going. She started screaming, too, because it burned her hoo-haw. I guess the neighbors couldn't stop grinning for the next six months.

This is just amazing. I just tried Fire and Ice last night with my boyfriend. Let me just say this: It sucks much more for a chick than a guy. It felt like I had Cinnamon spice up there. My boyfriend says that it's true what they say: It's basically icy hot made in condom form. I don't see under any circumstance (even if you are pulling an all nighter with a hot hunk or babe) why you would ever want the sensation of icy hot in those areas, especially when you are trying to focus on your rhythm.

icy hot condoms are extremely fun to use. the after hours is where it begins to suck though. you find yourself itching and burning in the areas you have fucked in. For example, when me and my boyfriend first got together and tried the fire an ice condom, it was AMAZING haha we weree just going crazy with it. then when i went to bed i kept itching... next morning he wakes up and says to me. my dick hurts bad. we went downstairs to find a little rash like on his dick.. he got scared right away and hoped it wasnt a sexually transmitted disease. we heard a good way to cure these little rashes are to use A&D ointment. after using the A&D the rash had started to go away. his dick still hurts a little, but its getting better i must add.

Wow, people are sharing wayyyyyy too many details about their sex life here! Funny article!

this morning for the first time used a trojan fire and ice (magnum) condom with boyfriend..he said he didn't feel anything but i felt this terrible burning sensation seriously like as if there was a fire down there - it wasn't terrible so i let him finish of course ( have to be polite) but i just wanted out. it was just such an uncomfortable burning sensation down there that i couldn't enjoy the sex at all and i am sure i would have , had i not been burning cuz of that stupid condom..now i have 9 left and have to figure out who to sell them to. seriously going to write a letter to trojan. i am just glad that other ppl didn't like them as well - i feel better. i thot i was sensitive. i showered right after so hopefully nothing bad happens to me later but it was terrible during sex.

would you guys recommend for virgins,,:P

Marcus Terry's picture

I'd recommend some sex, ASAP!

mee

LOL! Yes, those condoms are the devil.

i wanna use fire n ice

lol the idea of a freezing/burning condom is crazy to begin with, people dont all react the same, it could feel like nothing to some and death to others, funny ass writing tho terry XD

Yall all just need some good PUSSY!!!!!

also known as rape

My best friend which is man too is only into girls.i've talked him into fucking me.yesterday was our first time making out together and it was great.he told me how much he loves fire and ice condoms with his wife,so i'm thinking about trying with us two guys and see it'll make the sex even more better.

My best friend which is man too is only into girls.i've talked him into fucking me.yesterday was our first time making out together and it was great.he told me how much he loves fire and ice condoms with his wife,so i'm thinking about trying with us two guys and see it'll make the sex even more better.

my dick feels like it's melting or some shit lol

Ahhh hahaha you are an excellent writer. I'm laughing my ass off as I read this. I have fire n ice and will be trying it tonight but I'll take mine without a concussion. Good job !!!

ha i used that shit, its hard to get used to my dick burning. try purell hand sanitizer lol its about the same thing. dont ask me how i kno this

I haven't had any issues with these... And the lady-friend hasn't either!

I love the fire and ice magnums...didnt really feel the fire part but def felt the ice. My friend w/ benefits didnt seem to notice I tried a different condom, what can I say when the pussy is this need who would...anywho, the sex did last better and longer than normal. Can't to go home suck his dick and let him beat this pussy up.....The article was super funny.

when the pussy is this good*

Very funny article. Lol. I tried the fire and ice. Wasn't that bad. But wasn't that great either. Won't really be trying them again. One time thing. Anyways everyone will experience it differently. So if you haven't tried it before, try it for yourself and see how you like it and then make your judgement. Don't go based on what you see and read. =)

I never tried the fire and ice condoms because I have very sensitive skin and anything that have that extra warmth will destroy my skin and insides...Some people experiences are different but as for me I'm not buying them... However I love Trojan Condoms that's the only kind that will not break on me. I only use the Trojan MAGNUM ...( My partner uses them)... So I say to each its on and safe sex...