Guide to Sleeping with Women

Gentlemen (and I use that term quite loosely), I’m here to tell you which women you should sleep with. Now, if I were you, after reading that last sentence I’d immediately be skeptical, and with good reason. The guide to who you should have sex with is a topic that’s been hashed and rehashed among people smarter and cleverer (though far less handsome) than I. Worry not, though; that’s not what I’m here to write. No, this is a guide on legitimate sleeping.

You’ve had sex with a girl—good for you, champ—but now you have some decisions to make. Do you throw her out? Or, for the long term, do you keep sleeping at your girlfriend’s place even though every night you’re left cold and awake while she takes all the blankets and throws elbows in her sleep? Since you’re certainly not capable of making decisions on your own, I’ve created this lovely guide for you. Of course, if you still can’t make up your mind after this, send her over to my place for some lovin’, and once I’ve comparatively shamed your sexual prowess, I’ll let you know what to do.

Anyway, the guide:

For now, just rate the girl on a scale of 0-10 in question in the following three categories.

1. Snoring

I’ve been told that I do it, so I shouldn’t judge. In response I say fuck that, I’ve got a penis so I’m entitled to snore and judge women. Anyway, let’s have some rating guidelines.

0 – Sweet, sweet blissful silence. If only all women would be like this all the time.

3 – She’s breathing, maybe a little heavily, but even women are entitled to breathe once in a while (unless they talk back).

6 – This could legitimately be called snoring, and it’s worth “accidentally” waking her up so you can get to sleep in some semblance of peace.

10 – She snores like Sasquatch. Not that I’ve slept with Sasquatch, but anyone with back hair like that must be a snorer. You’re absolutely entitled to buy her some of those nasal anti-snoring strips for Valentine’s Day. Chocolate would just get her fat anyway.

2. Twitching

I twitch. In fact, I twitch so much that once, at a week-long camp in the mountains, the guy on the bunk below me woke me up because he thought I was having a seizure. That being said, like snoring, I’m still going to judge women for it.

0 – She just lays there like a dead fish. Not so good for sex, but great for sleep. Unless she also smells like a dead fish.

3 – She occasionally rolls around. No big deal, and I guess it’s good to know she’s not dead.

6 – Trying to sleep next to this girl is akin to a WWF wrestling match—elbows are flying, and once in a while a knee below the belt escapes the eyes of the ref. If you’re going to be sleeping with her, your best bet is to wear a cup and curl up in the fetal position.

10 – This is probably a legitimate seizure. Stop watching Japanese cartoons after sex.

3. Taking Up Space

Unfortunately, the standard extra long twin bed that colleges provide isn’t exactly built for two. Sure, you could replace it with a king, but that would take up three quarters of the room and your roommate probably wouldn’t appreciate finding his bed in the bathroom. Thus, we have the problem of women who feel entitled to the majority of the bed (and the rights to vote and drive). Sure, you thought it was great when she was spreading her legs an hour ago, but now it’s a much less attractive quality.

0 – She curls up into a small ball at the foot of the bed, much like your dog at home. Good woman. Stay.

3 – She wants to sleep next to you, and depending on her earlier performance, she may have earned it. This won’t be that bothersome unless you found her while you were out whaling, in which case it’s your own damn fault anyway.

6 – The football call here would be encroachment. Maybe she’s getting a little demanding, trying to make up for the hugs her parents never gave her. Regardless, this is on the way to a sitcom-esque paint-a-line-down-the-middle-of-the-bed situation.

10 – You’ve fallen off your bed onto the floor, and for once it doesn’t have to do (entirely) with the drinking.

The Scale of Tolerability

Alright, now you’ve rated her, and it’s time to figure out whether she’s worth it. First, add up her total score, then divide that number by her attractiveness on a scale of 1-10, because let’s face it, looks are what really matter. Now find the final number on this chart and you’ve got an answer.

0-1: Looks like you’ve got yourself a keeper. If you can train her to make sandwiches on command, you might consider proposing.

2-3: A pretty decent score—you should probably consider calling this one back in the morning, and maybe even buying her dinner. No, not Taco Bell, either.

4-5: Now we’re crossing into the realm of “just not worth it.” You’re probably going to want to be drunk while this girl’s in your bed.

6-10: I’m going to be generous here and assume that you found this girl when you were blackout drunk. Nonetheless, I hope you didn’t take her back to your place, because it’s going to be awkward telling her to leave. You are a big enough man to throw her out, right? Wrong answer, you pussy.

11+: I’m no math major, but from the numbers I’m getting in my head, your best bet is to kill her and toss the body, followed immediately after by bleaching your own eyeballs.