"Every city in the world should undertake policy development to support the deployment of renewable energy, recommends a 200-page report from the International Energy Agency (IEA). The report is designed to ‘inspire’ local public and private officials…" -Renewable Energy Focus

Thank you for coming to tonight’s town hall meeting to discuss Proposition 418, the plan to build Gigantormill, the world’s largest windmill. As your Drain Commissioner and self-assigned Renewable Energy Czar, this project has consumed most of my time these last three years. I know you all have a lot of questions and concerns, but before we get to them, I want to say a few words to flush any air that may be in the pipes. That’s a little Drain Commissioner joke.

Because we will have to drain several wetlands for space to build Gigantormill, I can’t promise that Gigantormill won’t topple over.Most of you all know me. You know I am a simple man, driven by a simple idea. I believe what this city needs more than adequately functioning drains, or streets free of the raw sewage presently covering them, is a 2000-foot tall windmill. My critics are quick to point out that the power needs of Millford Heights could be met with a windfarm of 100 windmills. Agreed. But, put simply, why overcomplicate things when the work of 100 windmills can be done with one windmill 100 times larger?

True, this design is untested. Just like Mrs. Archer’s apple and banana pie, am I right? I concede that some fancy, out-of-towner, city-boy, En-jun-Neers predict that only a hurricane force wind could power the Gigantormill. But as your Drain Commisioner and Renewable Energy Czar, I pride myself on being able to think outside the box. These drawings (I did myself) show the Gigantormill with seven solid-state oxygen rocket boosters strapped to the blades. I am currently working on a set of plans that simplifies the solution down to a single, seven times larger solid-state oxygen rocket booster. If you were wondering, the giant rocket also has a name-Boosterloco.

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I believe that the combined Gigantormill/Boosterloco plan will revitalize our city, and grow our presence in the global market, making our very own Millford Heights the equal of a New York or Paris.

Windfarm blades of the windmills
Why have 100 monkeys typing at 100 machines when you can have one GIANT monkey typing at a 1966 IBM mainframe?
Now I will not stand up here and tell you that there are any actual environmental benefits gained from a giant, rocket-powered windmill. In fact, many expensive pants-wearing, college-dee-gree-having, silver spoon environmentalists predict that entire flocks of bats and migratory birds will die in collisions with Gigantormill. And because we will have to drain several wetlands for space to build Gigantormill, I can’t even promise that Gigantormill won’t topple over, crushing most of Millford Heights’ inhabitants into a grisly citizen mush. But because I live within a specially built bunker inside Farmer Tillie’s sledding hill, even if Boosterloco goes a little too loco and incinerates the majority of Millford Heights, which En-jun-Neers tell me it most assuredly will, I will still be around and promise to clear all the carcasses from our drains, be them bat, bird, or human.

Also, some jetliners may collide with Gigantormill.

Now the meat of the situation. You probably all know that Jan Mills, our local treasurer, has voiced several concerns about how we would actually pay for any of this. I find it interesting that our so-called "Treasurer" is also challenging me in this upcoming emergency drain commissioner election. It’s politicking, pure and simple.

Ms. Mills, I will admit, has me beat on the numbers game. But here’s a number Ms. Mills might be interested in: five. Followed by an eight, then two zeros, then another eight. 58008. Plug that into your calculator, turn it upside down, and tell me that I’m not the right choice for Drain Commissioner.

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And it’s sad the levels that some politicians are willing to stoop. Before Ms. Mills’ negative ad campaign is released, I deny it all. I deny that the pictures she found on my computer are mine. I deny ever Photoshopping thongs and panties onto ceiling fans and Dutch wooden windmills. And I most vehemently deny writing into cartoon speech bubbles seductively suggestive sayings like, "You turn me on to Medium." Excuse my drooling right now. That happens when I am truly disgusted by people.

All I can offer you is a vision of the future. A vision of Millford Heights where tourists line Main Street spending those tourist dollars and sporting t-shirts that say things like, "You turn me on to Medium." Life will go on as usual. We’ll walk our dogs, pay our huge taxes for our renewable energy programs, and constantly look to our feet to avoid the puddles of raw sewage like they’re slices of Mrs. Archer’s raisin and mango pie. But then, if we look up, we’ll gaze out upon a 2,000-foot tall rocket-powered windmill, knowing that we have done our little bit for planet Earth-even if jetliners are occasionally knocked from the sky.

I’ll open for questions.

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