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I Call This Guy My Roommate
By
Peter Cataldi
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Parent-leaching, refrigerator-breaching, toilet-punishing, garbage-rummaging, rarely-bathing,
food-craving, laundry-avoiding, friendship-exploiting, Lil Webbie-admiring, future company probably-firing, nose-picking, porno-clicking, grotesque nudity-displaying, Seinfeld character-portraying, hot water-complaining, Peter-name-defaming,
avid bathroom-reading, WVU kid-beating, Stanley-stuttering, bagel-buttering,
bacteria-growing, no promise-showing, bagel chip-hoarding, trash-can-exploring, big-head-protruding, ABC police-eluding, disease-catching, clothes never-matching,
Subway-inhabiting, innocent customers-scattering, peanut butter-abusing, dirty
sock-reusing, no weapon-owning, bill-payment-postponing, phone-call-ignoring, geezer-like snoring, chronic-gambling, incoherent-rambling, wager-losing, food
ownership-confusing, hand-breaking, steroid-taking, naked-parading, should
start-praying, Waldo shirt-wearing, sinister-staring, hygiene-deploring, room for waste-storing,
trouble-making, engineering class-taking, ugly girl-tolerating, political crap-debating, homework-bitching,
clothes lacking correct-stitching, fluid mechanics-learning, roommate-concerning, evil ideas-conceiving, bodily-odor-relieving, not-right-living, taking but never-giving,
family-disowning, cash-flows not-flowing, ESPN.com-surfing, late-night-lurking, people-annoying,
living-room-destroying, NC State-disgracing, VT-displacing, wack job-applying, homosexuality-denying, debt never-repaying, stupid-shit-saying, privacy-invading,
spit-spraying, pillow-biting, can’t read-handwriting, awake while-drooling,
no-one-fooling, smelly Jeep-driving, usually-conniving, underage club-hopping, racist joke-dropping, TV-infringing, Keystone Light-binging, choices class-attending, Tim
Duncan-defending, biohazard bag-keeping, 1pm-or-later-sleeping, road-rage-implementing, pedestrian
rights-circumventing, other people’s hat-stretching, left-over food-fetching, school-girl-giggling, door-knob-jiggling, unprovoked-lying, likely
often-crying, peace-disturbing, 3rd-grade-ways-reverting, toilet paper not-replacing, popular song-debasing, BT bus-riding, dark-secrets-hiding, argument-inviting, laws non-complying, computer-tampering,
progress-hampering, vacuum-style-ingesting, door-pathway-congesting, sober-talking, drunk-stalking, buffet-clearing, heart-disease-nearing, money-dissolving, lawyer-involving, circus-freak-rivaling, therapist-stifling, bad-habit-pioneering, Ranch
Doritos-racketeering, ape-style-thinking, bug-eyed-blinking, crumb-bumming, willingly exercise-running, Corona-hating,
retard opinion-stating, car location-forgetting, decision-regretting, 21-turning, bar tab-mourning, cow-tipping,
lip-giving, anger-displaying, bad attitude-conveying, fake-ID-lacking, dirty garment-stacking, all day
in-room-barricading, awful-chess-playing, anti-socializing,
situation-compromising, amateur channel-browsing, and requires special-housing, NOTORIOUS R.A.Y. Life of a
B.U.M.
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