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Today starts the two week
countdown until February 14th. Valentine's Day. This day is so
wretched, it deserves a second title: “Valentine's Day, Or the
Modern Masochist” (shout-out to Mary Shelley).
A lot of people blame Hallmark for the ridiculous attention paid
to this “holiday” (who the hell deemed this a HOLIDAY?!), but no,
this puppy has its roots in Catholic history. It began when this
guy, a Saint (how can you be deemed a “Saint” if you bring about
hell on Earth?), defied Claudius' absolutely brilliant attempt to
ban marriage back in third century Rome. See, Claudius had a problem
with nobody wanting to join his military. “So,” Claudius obviously
thought, “if I simply take away the ceremony, nobody can love one
another, and people will join my service.” Well well well, Homey
didn't play that, and thus Valentine continued to secretly marry
couples.
Not too secretly, apparently, since paperwork and
blood tests had to be filed and all that. Anyway, Claudius (clever
fellow that he was) caught onto Valentine's devilish scheme and put
him to death. Supposedly, Valentine's letter to his daughter read
“From your Valentine” and started the insanity that continues to
drive men nuts to this day.
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God Brian, it's like you're not even trying! |
Let me put it this way: Valentine's Day is grossly unfair towards
men. Male actions (or—gasp!—inactions!) on this day are scrutinized
and analyzed like an OCD CSI: Miami team run by Monk. On this day,
past sins can be forgiven. Deep, grievous personal wounds can be
healed…
...or you could unleash the unbridled fury of a
scorned woman armed with 8 snapping snakes for dreadlocks!!!!
I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Let me break Valentine's
Day down by the sexes. Namely,
how males and females view February 14th, and what their
respective expectations are of the holiday.
Females:
An unbelievable opportunity for a guy to truly let a girl know how
much she means to him, or to express himself openly, to any degree.
The bolder and more creative the gesture, the more style points he
earns. The more earnest the attempt, the more past wrongs are
forgiven. Should he succeed in diving into the planning and
consideration of guaranteeing a woman the honor and distinction of
calling her girlfriends up sans date at 2 AM to say “OH MY GOD,” sex
will most definitely be bestowed upon him.
"Yes, it's a day for expressing ourselves. But, moreover, it's an
opportunity to give you women something to brag about." Males:
Falling entirely too close to Christmas, Valentine's Day is merely a
dualistic exercise of maintaining a strict monetary budget and
having the gerbils of creativity work overtime in the brain.
Valentine's Day is not an “opportunity” to woo or express emotions;
no, Valentine's Day is contained within the fine print of any
relationship. This fine print MANDATES, at the penalty of death (or
loss of sex privileges: same thing), a John Hughes-like evening of
dinner, roses, romance, chocolates (lest the girl be on Atkins, in
which chocolates earn an automatic F), and of course,
a meaningful card with a moving message contained therein.
Summary: Failure is not an option.
Now, some may argue
that the female promise (see: option) of permitting sex should be
more than enough incentive for the male to work his ass off to make
her morning/noon/night. But I can say with certain conviction that
NO sex is THAT fucking amazing, and if given the option between one
night on the couch and the PRESSURE of HAVING to come through on
Valentine's Day, give me a throw blanket, used body bag, or whatever
else is handy, and I'll cover my eyes, say the Rosary until
exhaustion kicks in, and see you on the 15th.
Let me take
Valentine's Day a step further.
Yes, a guy can wine and dine his fair maiden with fancy words and maybe a
swing or two on the dance floor. This, by itself, would be fine. However, each
male finds himself squaring off against every other male for a title of “best
boyfriend” on this date. Oh, sure, we may have impromptu pow-wows amongst our
masculine selves where we flat-out admit to each other, “Guys, fucking help, I
have NO clue what to do here.” BUT! we see these broad proclamations as signs of
weakness. At this time, Guy Code requires us to slap the poor fellow on the
back, say, “Dude, I don't know what I’m doing myself,” and walk away snickering,
knowing that when YOUR lady turns to her friends in the days following February
14th, you will see your avatar higher than at least one poor soul.
Because, truly, isn't that what Valentine's Day REALLY comes down to? You work
your ass off to better the guy next to you, not to impress or please your woman.
You're fighting for her honor in a Courtly Love sense (quite literally), trying
to give her the right to brag the most to her friends the next day.
As I
quote Peter Cetera, ala “Glory of Love”:
Sometimes I just forget
to
say, “Hey babe, I love that dress”
It breaks my heart when we have to
dine-in.
I will always love you
don't let me sleep on the couch alone...
I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be your Big... or your Aidan or
your, uh, Steve?
You'll brag of this for-ever...
And say things like,
“clever” and
“He did it all for the glory of love.”
Yeah,
Valentine's Day is
a lot of pressure for us guys. Yes, it's a day for expressing ourselves.
But, moreover, it's an opportunity to give you women something to brag about, to
make your day in an indirect sort of way.
Of course, there are
corollaries to this. For instance, men, be wary of the females who magically
become drawn to you within the next three weeks. Nothing is worse than meeting a
wonderful, wonderful girl... doing wonderful wonderful things for her...
...and then dropping the ball come Valentine's Day.
If you're just
starting out a relationship, and Valentine's Day falls within the first month…
Buddy, forget about it—this is a pass/fail type test, and if you can't hack it
on the V-Day, your ass... is grass.
Instead, if you meet a fantastic and
charming girl on February 7th, and she asks what you're doing on
Wednesday, February 14th... you take her by the hand, look deep into
her beautiful hazel/blue/green/gray/RED! eyes and say:
“Darling, the
Penguins play the Chicago Blackhawks at 7:30. I can't. How does Thursday sound?”
Then, merely sit back and watch as she blinks twice and says, " Who are you?
Where am I? I'm so sorry" and runs away.
Similarly, beware your
close-but-not-too-close female friends who, right around now, start
re-entering your life, asking to go see a movie here, maybe watch a college
basketball game there. Girls who play the sports angle are particularly
dangerous, and particularly difficult to resist. However, if they try the old
casual, “Hey, you just want to hang out for Valentine's Day?” line on you... BE
STRONG. You have to be able to put your foot down and say, “Look sexy mama, I
ain't gonna be no short man for you on that day so you can turn to your
girlfriends and say, 'Mmmmm-hmmm, me and MIKE went out for Valentine's Day,
nothing big,' and expect to get off easy from your female comrades.”
Of
course, if this girl offers sex to go along with dinner, feel free to disregard
any and all ulterior motives towards using you for the night.
Speaking of “the night,” while I
will always maintain that dinner and operas and shows are merely
precursors to the true essence of most dates—making out and so
on—this opportunity does not exist for all people. For these people
(mostly females), Valentine's Day is a sad occasion, and having
nothing to do, and nobody to hook up with, is a giant
Billboard that screams LOSER.
As men, it is our
opportunity—nay, our DUTY—to provide these women with an
alternative. Yes, as they gather up in numbers (“for strength,”
they'll say), we too can gather up en masse to hit the bar scene
with the not-so-noble intent of, um… salvaging, another girl's night
by smiling and wining and dining her and hooking up with her so that
she too can call someone the next day and join in the banter.
The problem is, of course, how do you disguise your intentions as
male pack hunters in a bar, on Valentine's Day, on a friggin’ Monday
Night?
Simple. You get together that day, around 5pm, and
research whatever NBA or college teams will invariably be playing on
ESPN in the bars that night. That way, when a girl asks (and
correctly, I might add), “Why the hell are you out here tonight?”
you can say, “Oh, I love me some Golden State Warriors! Hooyah!”
Otherwise, a group of guys, out together, on Valentine's Day? Very
gay.
Which brings us to today's final question. If you're gay
(male or female), who feels the Valentine's Day pressure? Anybody?
Both of you? If you're bisexual, which role do you have to fulfill,
and is that determined strictly by your sex?
Are there alpha
male/females in gay relationships? Is the pratfall of being this
that YOU must come through with the bacon on Valentine's Day? These
are important questions. Not for me, and probably not for most of
the people who will actually read this, but important questions
nevertheless...
Questions that need answered.
So, what
can be done to salvage Valentine's Day for a couple? Men,
fortunately, you do have options. You can always pull off the very
sly and coy, “Baby, I was thinkin' about us just staying in tonight.
I'll make dinner, a bottle of wine... you know, avoid the crowds.”
Women, by their own rules, must concede to this recommendation.
“Staying in and making dinner” is socially acceptable and allows a
woman to keep her face in subsequent bragging stories, but in truth,
“staying in” can be best defined as the following:
“Look,
babe, I'm so po’ we can't go out. Heck, I's so po’ I can't afford
the ‘r.’ And I's KNOW if I boil you some sketti noodles and use some
Prego and pop in some breadsticks to go along with the heavy alcohol
wine I picked out, we'll remain in close enough proximity to the
bedroom that I won't have to work too hard or say too much. And if
shit ain't goin' so great? I rented us a copy of Pretty in Pink
to seal the deal!”
Girls, you don't have to like it. All I
know is that right about now, guys are reading this and laughing
themselves silly, for I speak the TRUTH. So, pass this along to your
coworkers. Your friends. Your enemies. Yes, I've admitted that we
guys strive to do JUST enough on Valentine's Day to keep you from
killing us...
...For we know if we done fuck up Valentine's
Day, we're in trouble. Nah, you ain't never gonna bring up
VALENTINE'S DAY... but you'll definitely find some other shit that
we do wrong that you've been cool about until now to make our lives
hell about. And you can nod your head to that, 'cause I know that's
true too.
P.S. NO girl wants a star named after her. “What,
you sayin' that I'm a big ol’ ball of gas?”
P.P.S. Attempting
to use the “All the restaurants are booked” excuse will NOT fly with
the woman, especially if her friends' boys secure a table. Listen to
Yoda, and do. There is no try.
P.P.P.S. Valentine's Day is
typically not a good day to break up with a girlfriend. Also,
Valentine's Day is not a good day to inform a boyfriend that you're
pregnant.
P.P.P.P.S. Ladies, if you break up with your
boyfriend in the days following Valentine's Day, I will be
your man's
material witness at your murder trial.
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