I make minimum wage at a dead end job. Part of my job includes interacting with you. This means my job fucking sucks. In fact, every day is the worst day of my life.

Let me put that into perspective.

I was born in a third world country, in a brothel. My mother was an asset of the proprietor, so I was born into a life of sex slavery. My earliest memories are that of being raped. My first and only job (until now) was working as a prostitute with no access to cloths, clean drinking water, contraception, or digital cable on demand. I would be beaten to the point of disfigurement daily. And yet, my current job is still worse. It can only be referred to as "the place where souls go to die."

In order to fully grasp the situations I will be describing, you need to know where I work (the location is not important, it’s the general place). If you are Canadian or have ever been to Canada, or accidentally picked up a Canadian radio station while driving in northern Michigan or New York, you will know where I work. I am fully cognizant that I have signed a document in which I agree to refrain from the use of the company’s name in any publication and will not use the likeness in any photographs. So I will not do such things.

I will, however, tell you a fictional story. I work for a man. He used to play ice hockey at the professional level. I forget his name. I think it is Jim Norton or something along those lines. Anyway, this man pioneered a coffee/donut empire in the form of a multi-national corporation peddling caffeine to men, women, and children. We will call it "Jim Nortons."

So, every day at 6am I start selling drugs to the masses of zombies jonesing for a fix. Anyone familiar with "the masses" knows they fucking suck. This is has never been more obvious than where I work, at the drive-thru. In honor of every caffeine-hungry moron who’s ever driven a vehicle by my window, I present…

24 Ways to Be a Drive-Thru Fucktard
Or, How to Be MORE of a Cunt (Because You Already are One)

1. The original design intent of the now popular drive-thru was to expedite the process in which you obtain desired consumable products. But fuck that shit. Place several multi-item orders on separate bills. Nothing screams "CUNT" like sitting at the window for 19 minutes making the guy behind you that just wants a single coffee late for work.

Guy honking in a drive-thru2. Your time is more important than everyone else’s, but sometimes we forget that. Please excuse our forgetfulness and remind us by honking at the speaker. We are honored that you, the world’s leading specialist in something probably amazing, would stop for a coffee on the way to perform some sort of magical rocket surgery and apologize if service takes more than 10 microseconds. Honking your horn informs the drivers in front of you to hurry up. Hey Doc, can you take a look at my bleeding ear drum when you get to the window?

3. To help us help you, start screaming "HELLO" before you have even approached the speaker. No one will know you are a cunt unless the first thing they hear is "*ding* -ELLLOO?!!!"

4. It is scientific fact that music in the workplace increases productivity. Unfortunately, I don’t have a radio, but luckily, you do! Please play it at high volumes, at all times.

5. Drive a diesel truck.

Drive-through sign at McDonald's6. Order things you don’t (DO NOT) want. For example, "Large coffee, cream, no sugar." Saying "no sugar" should help me understand that you don’t want it, except you refuse to take the cock out of your mouth when ordering, so the jumbled abortion of words dripping out of your mouth sounds like "lharrge kaufey cream’n’suger." Asking for things you don’t want is a great way to get what you want. When I go to the movies, instead of asking for a ticket to the movie I want to see, I list all the movies I don’t want to see. It is faster that way and guarantees order accuracy.

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7. If you are the passenger in the vehicle, you should place the order. Sure you may trust the driver with your lives and safety, but you’ll be fucked in the mouth by a walrus before you let them fuck up your order. They can operate a 2000-pound mass of steel and inertia, but their minds surely cannot remember your specific drink preferences.

8. Confirm at least eight times the contents of your order. "Now you are SURE this is a black coffee no sugar no cream double-cupped extra lid?" We sometimes forget that you are the personal assistant to a visiting emissary who will kill your entire family and mutilate their corpses if you do not meet his satisfaction.

Double cup fast food cups9. Double-cup everything. Hate trees? Me too. Fuck them by ordering more paper products. Ordering a single coffee? Why not get a take-out tray? Our children will inherit the Earth from us, make sure they don’t have an environment. The side of the road looks great adorned with the husks of your daily habit. Throwing your empty double cup out of the window of your hybrid car is an irony greater than your existence.

10. Be a smoker and smoke constantly. I love cigarette smoke, except due to some arbitrary Draconian law I am not allowed to smoke inside/during work. Handing me money/receiving items with a lit cigarette in your hand gives me that quick stay-cation in flavor country and the nicotine fix I require to get through the day.

Haunted drive-thru speaker box11. Talking to a disembodied voice projecting from a haunted speaker box is intimidating even during the day. As to not offend the spirit, try whispering your order. The quieter your request the smaller the chance of offending the ghost. After it asks for clarification for the fourth time, surrender your civility and scream. There are only two volumes when speaking: "indoor voice" and "auditioning for lead vocals of Billy Talent voice."

12. Window broken? Don’t come in the store, order through the crack of an open door!

13. The elements are terrible. If there is a hurricane, tsunami, blizzard, or even if it’s kinda hot, place your order through the tiniest crack imaginable in your window. "Sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you. Could you please speak up?" *Inaudible mumbling* "Sorry I still can’t hear you." *Dinosaur being murdered* "I said I can’t hear you!" *Helicopter exploding* "I CAN’T HEAR YOU, DRIVE UP!!!" Don’t open your window any wider when trying to hand me money or receive your goods. Demonstrate your grasp of spacial-temporal reasoning by placing that round peg in a square hole, or trying to fit a large cup through a gap the thickness of your hand.

Drive-thru break-in14. Need to get my attention? Knock on the window. I recently learned Morse Code and am able to decipher your knocks as you spelling out " · · ·- — ·- – ·- · · ·- – · – " or "I am a cunt."

15. If you order a coffee and a donut, drive away before I dispense both items. Upon your return, point out my grave incompetence and malicious attempts to steal from you. Impatience is a virtue.

Abe Lincoln money origami16. Fold paper currency in fantastic shapes. Don’t let that origami class go to waste, there are plenty of everyday applications for your new skill. I am an amateur treasure hunter and I love finding surprises, so be sure to include random change inside the folds of your creation.

17. Fuck evolution, opposable thumbs are for monkeys. Your hand is amazing, but don’t utilize its functions. Just because you can cup your hand to act as a receptacle for change and use your thumb to pinch paper bills doesn’t mean you have to. I choose to use this method of currency collection, but just throwing the money on the ground works for me too.

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18. If I ask you a question, silence is an acceptable answer. Even I am absent-minded when it comes to my psychic abilities. I will try a more clairvoyant approach to order taking next time. Fuck verbal/auditory interaction. "Large coffee, anything else?" "…." Maybe you are just shaking your head "no," but I take it as a "no" after 10 seconds of silence. The procedure I follow requires me to inform you of your total and instruct you to proceed to the payment window. After these instructions are given, continue with the rest of your order.

19. Details are for faggots. "Coffee and a donut!" "What size?" "UGHHHHHH LARGE, DUH! IDIOT!" "Anything in your coffee?" "OH MY GOD!!! 9 AND A HALF SWEETENERS, 3/4 MILK! JESUS!" "And what kind of donut would you like?" "IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?! A BOSTON CREAM!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? AM I GETTING PUNKED?" No I am getting punked, by God, for having to deal with you.

20. Pay for an order with a total less than one dollar with a credit card.

Drive-thru now hiring mornings
"Applicants, please hate yourselves."
21. Cell phones: be on them constantly. Get angry when I interrupt your conversation by asking if I can take your order. How foolishly rude of me to interject with a question after you had pulled up to the order box of a business with the intent of using a service designed for convenience and speed. Sit at the window staring straight ahead and continue to talk on the phone, completely oblivious to the fact that I am trying to hand you an item that will allow you to fuck off and die in a car crash. I hope the person on the other end hears the crash happen and you don’t lose the connection so they can hear you simultaneously drowning and choking on a combination of your own teeth and blood.

22. Pull up as far away from the window as possible. If my hip isn’t outside of the store when leaning to hand you your items, then you aren’t far enough away. This daily exercise helps strengthen my core muscles while also stretching out my lats.

Reaching to hand cups of coffee at drive-thru window23. Don’t reach to meet me halfway. Whether it be to give/receive currency or items, don’t put any strain on your elbow by bending it slightly, allowing for ease of transaction. This would make you slightly less of a cunt and that is clearly not your intent.

24. Be confrontational and argumentative while making up lies. "I come to this store every fucking morning and I just came through here 10 fucking minutes ago and you gave me the wrong coffee!" If this is true I will remedy the situation to the best of my abilities and apologize for any part I had, albeit unintentional, in inconveniencing you. If, on the other hand, you approach the window and I don’t remember you coming through, recognize you, or you have an empty cup with a design from three months ago, I will know you are a fucking cunt liar. You see, the same people come through at roughly the same time five days in a row, 52 times a year. Not only do I recognize the same faces every day, it gets to the horrible point where I know their orders based solely on the sound of their voices. So new faces are something of an anomaly and therefore stand out in my mind. You do not come here every day, and you did not just come here. If you simply say to me, "I am a cheap, disgusting cunt, can I have a free coffee?" I will say yes. Don’t lie to me, then scream and freak out when I call your bluff based on the evidence consisting of a vast collection of observations.

This is by no means a complete list. It is just all I can transcribe before my blood boils. I hate you.

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