A great man once said, "A man is only as poor as his character." And when I say that was a great man, I'm lying. When it comes to personal finances, inspirational quotes are only worth 98 cents. They're literally not all that and a bag of chips. Even though this news may be shocking to those of you who have a soul, DON'T PANIC! If you're wondering whether you're rich and have the ability to gloat in front of everyone at a soup kitchen, or whether you're so poor the jingling of nickels gives you an orgasm, then wonder no more! These very authentic, scientific, helpful, and super cool standards will tell you whether or not you're in poverty. So here goes.

Poor man pulling pennies out of his pocket
Metal: the distinguishing element in poor people money.

You are in poverty if you…

  • Make under $10k a year.
  • Are struggling to pay your bills.
  • Have gotten blackout drunk at a bachelorette party.
  • Own a bedazzler.
  • Are skin and bones.
  • Are a skeleton.
  • Haven't had anything in your mouth for more than two days (does not apply to porn stars, competitive food eaters, or elephants).
  • Don't own a refrigerator.
  • Have to chase your refrigerator because it's running away from you.
  • Have three stomachs, all of them empty.
  • Can growl the lyrics to "Holla Back Girl" with your stomach.
  • Have ever flirted with a man/lady who turned out to be a trash can.
  • Claim you're a starving artist but in reality, you're just homeless.
  • Have ever fought alley cats to the death over a half-eaten jelly donut.

Now that we've gotten the qualifications for being poor and sad out of the way, let's move on to a much nicer subject: How to know if you're rich!

The people who say "money can't buy happiness" are right… IF they're talking about gay prostitutes with stones for hearts. With $1 you can buy a can of Sun Drop soda, aka liquid joy. Rich people can fill a pool with Sun Drop and literally swim in bliss. I'd love to see people talk smack about money after seeing anyone practice their butterfly stroke in a kiddie pool of deliciousness.

With that said, are you Mr. Moneybags or are you Sally…NoMoneybags? Take a peek at more authentic, scientific, and price tagarific standards to find out.

Rich man with a hat on with money in it
"Oh darling, let me buy you a ship with a built-in lake for your boat."

You are rich (and probably a dick) if you….

  • Make more than $1 million a year.
  • Own four houses, each with its own poodle.
  • Bought a gold robot that builds OTHER GOLD ROBOTS.
  • Charge your own money rent to stay in your wallet.
  • Have toilet paper made out of $100 bills that have a picture of Benjamin Franklin wiping his ass.
  • Have the ability to pay a genie for more wishes.
  • Have no idea what "change" is.
  • Have balls of steel.
  • Have balls of diamond.
  • Have a toilet made out of the finest gold in the world, mined by the finest slave children in the world.
  • Can make it rain water.
  • Grew a money tree.
  • Insured your classy monocle for the price of seven goblin souls.

Even though having character isn't worth much, and having money can make you go insane with power, possibly destroying a village in the process, there's something inside all of us that means a great deal more than money or being poor. Those things include having a good heart, but more importantly, being a male (sorry ladies, it's just true).

Join us at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC Mar 22-24! Also check out upcoming comedy writing, improv and sketch classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.