A Totally Non-Fiction Sketch That Has Never Happened to Me, Ever

Carly: He’s going to be here any minute.

Sam: Oh come on, just take a few hits…

Carly: Listen, we’re Drew’s best friends, and he said he’s coming over to talk about the girl he’s had a crush on for like a year. We’ve got to stay sharp.

Sam: It’s one J, he’ll never know.

Carly: We’ll be high, how would he not know?

Sam: He’s from Wyoming, I don’t think he knows what pot is.

Carly: They don’t have pot in Wyoming?

Sam: In all fairness, I didn’t know they had people in Wyoming. I thought it was a state of just cows and majestic vistas.

Carly: Okay, fine. But just one.

(They smoke/pass around joint)

Carly: Wow that stuff is strong.

Sam: I think my lungs are going to sue me.

(They pass it around again)

Drew: (Off stage) Hey guys, I’m here.

Carly: Put it away, put it away!

Sam: I’m starting to feel it already.

Carly: I know, me too. Quick, hide it somewhere before he sees it.

(Drew enters)

Drew: Thanks for meeting me, guys. I just really wanted to…what’s that smell?

Sam: Smell (coughs), what smell?

Drew: I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Anyway, this thing with Lisa is driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s like, everywhere I go…she’s there, do you know what I mean?

Sam: Wait, stop talking. Did you close the door?

Drew: What?

Sam: The door, the door! Is it closed?

Drew: I….I think so. Yeah. Why do you care? You’re acting really paranoid…

(The two share a scared look; they don’t want Drew to know about their altered state)

Carly: Lisa!

Sam: Yeah, we don’t want Lisa to hear us.

Drew: Oh yeah, good thinking. This has to stay between us. (He looks) Yeah, it’s closed. But, I don’t know what to do. Like, I want to ask her out, but I’m afraid we won’t stay friends. I can’t ruin our friendship.

Carly: This may sound weird, but I think the walls are made of happiness.

Drew: Our friendship is based on happiness, and trust. Happiness and trust…I can’t let that slip away. Oh, shit, I’m vibrating. (He opens his phone.) Lisa is texting me, give me a second. (He steps to the side of the stage)

Sam: The walls are made of happiness? You can’t let him know we’re high.

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Carly: Don’t get mad at me! Besides, at the time, I honestly thought the walls were made of happiness. And what about you Mr. "Oh please God close the door before I crap myself"…

Sam: It’s the paranoia. I’m feeling it right now.

Carly: It’s hitting me too, I’m thinking some crazy shit over here.

Sam: Okay, we have to try to hold it in, he needs us right now.

Carly: Agreed.

(They attempt to high five, and miss)

Drew: Lisa just said we should study together for the astronomy test. What does she mean by that? Is this just studying, or is it "studying"?

(They both stare blankly)

Drew: You know…"studying" like…here, the only place to study in this dorm room is my bed, oh instead of studying, let’s make out…kind of thing.

(They continue to stare)

Drew: I’m thinking about this too much, aren’t I?

Carly: Am I wearing a helmet right now? I really think I’m wearing a helmet!

Drew: You’re right, I should just stay safe, and stay friends.

Sam: Are any of you guys cops? Because legally you have to tell me!

Drew: See, I disagree, I don’t think this is a cop-out. I’m just afraid I’m over-thinking the relationship, if there even is a relationship.

Carly: I think I have eight hands, but I can only feel four of them.

Drew: Oh I know, you’ve got to hand it to her, she’s quite the temptress.

Sam: Someone in this room is wearing a wire! We’re bugged. Everyone speak in code. I’ll be Thunderfalcon. Carly, you be Captain Zebrapants. Drew, you’re Mantooth. No one break the code, we’ve been compromised.

Drew: It is like girls speak in code. Like, what does, "Oooh, we should go get lunch" mean? Ugh, I’m so confused.

Carly: Right now, my head is going, boing-boing-boing.

Drew: Be quiet Zebrapants, they’ve got eyes everywhere!

Drew: Oh….her eyes. They’re like infinite pools of beauty. Wow, I’ve never felt like this before, this is insane!

Carly: Does everyone see that slice of pizza over there? Now, I’m not sure, but I think it may be the second coming of Jesus.

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Sam: If they capture me, I’m giving you all up. I don’t care, Oh, and they’ll capture us, they’re good…they’re real good.

Carly: If toes were made of sausage I would still eat them because I really like sausage, but not toes. But sausage is good, so I would eat them anyway because sausages are sausages and sausages are good.

(There is a knock at the door)

Drew: I’ll get it.

Sam: We’re going to jail! We’re going to jail aren’t we! I’m too young to be raped…and you just know I’m going to get raped. I’m lanky and white…I’m like a Victoria’s Secret model to those guys.

Drew: She is like a Victoria’s Secret model, she’s gorgeous.

(Drew opens the door, Lisa enters)

Lisa: Who’s gorgeous?

Drew: Oh, um Lisa, hi! What are you doing here?

Carly: Listen space alien, we will not engage in your intergalactic trade of pornography. We are a good people. Leave this place at once.

Lisa: Space pornography? I’m…I was just looking for Drew.

Drew: Well, um, you found me…what do you need?

Sam: Say nothing Drew, she’s one of them!

Lisa: Oh, I just was wondering if I could borrow your…what is that smell?

Sam: (Cough) Smell, what smell?

Lisa: Okay, cut the crap, I smoke all the time, someone has been smoking weed here.

Drew: Me, it was me. I’m cool, so that’s what I do. Do you want some, I can totally get some…

Lisa: No, I’m good for now. Definitely some other time though. I thought you were from Wyoming though, I didn’t even think you knew what weed was.

Drew: Oh yeah, I totally know things.

Lisa: Cool, cool. Okay, well, I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll, see you tonight, right?

Drew: Yes, yes, of course, yes!

Lisa: Great, see you then.

(She leaves)

Drew: You guys are amazing.  She totally thinks I’m cool. Thank you so much. Okay, I’m going to go get ready for tonight. I have to go find out what weed is.

(Drew leaves. The two continue to stare blankly)

Carly: Did that Unicorn just talk to me. Because I don’t speak Unicorn.

FIN

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