1. No matter how stocked the fridge is, I never want to eat anything in it.

This is simple: no matter what I want, no matter if I have it, I'd still rather eat out. I could have everything to make tacos, but I end up going to "El Monterrey" instead. I've never figured this out, but I've learned not to fight it. Read More »

1. Themed Parties

I have no problem with a Christmas party during Christmas, or a birthday party on your birthday...but sending out an invitation in the middle of April that reads, "Come join us for a Pirate Party, Nyarrrrr!" What the hell is that? Not that I'm saying I wouldn't want to drink a few beers wearing an eye patch, but are you fucking kidding me? This is why we have Halloween. Read More »

We all love our dogs. But we also know the very real, and very frightening issue of the growing communist threat. Our country's freedoms and ideals are a stake. The iron curtain is spreading into our cities, neighborhoods, and schools. Therefore, it is necessary to be concerned that your canine companion may be a Communist, without you being aware of it. Read More »

I'm a rational enough person. I managed to graduate college with most of my vital organs still intact, I can hold down a steady job, I've never been beaten by the po-lice, and have been able to scrape by, so far, with few CNN-worthy acts of debauchery under my belt—Spring Break, no relation. Read More »

1. A 650-page "do-it-yourself" book titled:

"HOW TO RE-ATTACH THE ERASER TO YOUR PENCIL IF IT FALLS OFF"

2. A self-help book titled:

"YOU'RE DRUNK RIGHT NOW...BUT IT'S PROBABLY SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT" Read More »

Prison life is extremely dangerous, thus inmates are often forced to band together in order to increase the odds of survival. The prevailing wisdom is that being a member of a group will provide protection, as there is safety in numbers. However, there have been a number of gangs throughout the history of the penal system that have actually decreased their members' chances of survival. Read More »

Let's face it: there's a lot of awful music out there. Back when we had Napster, we never felt bad for illegally downloading a song, even if we knew we should—like when "Save the Starving Children of Africa" commercials come on and you change the channel. No one likes things that suck. Read More »

In my growing collection of Internet-based woes, I have made the unfortunate mistake of accepting friend requests from people that I went to high school with and with whom I hardly talked. I had little reason to believe them to be interesting at school so, accordingly, their Facebook pages and news alerts are of equally little interest to me. I'm not talking about Farmville and crap like that. Read More »

It happens to everybody. Sometimes you just have to kill yourself. Listen, I understand. I've been there too. So when the mood strikes, put on one of these sweet tracks and shove a pitchfork through your neck. When the cops find your body, they will be thoroughly impressed.

10. "Cheeseburger in Paradise" - Jimmy Buffett Read More »

1. The golden rule: never pay for it. Heaving out money is a sign of defeat to the porn world. Wank before you bank.

2. Celebrate when you see a penis smaller than your own. Depending on the website and your own dimensions, this can either be rare or surprisingly commonplace. Letting out a small whoop keeps your spirits up and helps you convince yourself that you will find a lady friend to help bash your bishop. Read More »

When you decide an individual is worth stalking, you really want to leave a good impression. With the arrival of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and other stalking-made-easy networking sites, the quality of stalking has truly gone down the shitter. For the sake of stalking victims everywhere, I have finally decided to gift the world with the guide to becoming a memorable stalker worthy of your target's fear and restraining orders. Read More »

It's America's unofficial holiday (fuck you, Groundhog Day), the single good thing about February (seriously Groundhog Day, you can fuck right off), and the only day of the year where you can get openly drunk on a Sunday night and not face the possibility of a lawsuit, pink slip, or intervention on Monday. The Lord's Day? Not this February 7th, it isn't. No, it's Super Bowl Sunday! Read More »

In the wake of the USC Trojans' first absence from the Rose Bowl in five years, and during a continuous need for better sex education and an even more continuous need for more sports on TV, the time has come for a professional sports league that not only has big games on weeknights, but a league that also sends a positive message throughout the rest of the week while other sports may otherwise Read More »

Welcome to the first and last installment of "Relationship Advice from a Guy who's Never Been in a Relationship." In this article we'll be talking about girls, but unlike my previous article about friends, you can still read this one even if you don't leave your parents' basement to socialize. Reason being, friends can't be bought as easily as girls. Read More »

Have you ever just wanted to slap a bitch or kick a douche in the balls? Well, the last thing you need on your permanent record is assault and battery, so I would highly advise against physical violence...unless, of course, you're absolutely certain you won't be identified. In the event you choose to go this route, there are some very affordable ski masks available online or at your local burglar and rapist outfitters. Read More »