Funny Guides and Lists

Hilarious how-to's, funny rules, and colorful advice, conveniently presented in numerical, graphical, and easy-to-laugh format. (Rarely in 3D.) Submit an article »

Susan M. Gelles's picture

How to Not Fall Asleep Quickly: A 12-Step Guide for Single Women

1. As you lie alone in your darkened, temperature-controlled bedroom, comfortably ensconced between satin sheets that are cool and slippery, but not too cool and slippery, see if you can count up how many men you've ever seriously dated in your entire life. Read More »

Ashley Ingle's picture

Forgetting Your Password: The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial

No, I did not enter my password incorrectly.

Ok, re-enter the password slowly; I'll look at my fingers as they hit the keys.

Error message?! This is not happening. Read More »

Tiffany Appleton's picture

11 FAQ's Before Applying to Be on "The Bachelor"

What are you looking for in a contestant?

There's no one formula for love. That being said, we're looking for naturally or surgically beautiful women in the IQ range of 70-89 with oblique abdominals that can crack a pistachio (please illustrate this in your casting tape). Read More »

Mike Bouley's picture

How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

One has many obstacles to surmount when constructing the proper peanut butter (PB) and jelly (J) sandwich.  The entire process is fraught with peril and risk to one's own safety and emotional well-being. As a result, this guide has been produced to assist the intrepid sandwich artist as he or she approaches this daunting task. Read More »

Wesley Jansen's picture

How to Survive a Break-Up: 10 Guidelines of Emotional Support

Breaking up with someone can be extremely painful—I should know, I watched it happen on TV once. When two people fall in love, they build their lives, hopes, and dreams around one another. Read More »

David Brinn Silly's picture

6 Death Penalty Methods for Capital Punishment Traditionalists

They discontinued the electric chair in Florida because they said it wasn't safe. It was called "Old Sparky" a cute cuddly Dalmatian of a name. They said it was cruel and unusual punishment because when they strapped someone to it, the head caught fire. Sounds like it was doing the job to me. Read More »

Sam White's picture

7 Situations in Which Never to Use a List-Based Format

There are three industries in which the internet crushes all opposition like a bulldozer on a kitten, and they are: Read More »

  1. Oh, yeah, kittens...
  2. Porn
  3. What have I just made..? Yes, a list(s)!
Raffael Fiano's picture

5 Steps to Becoming a High-Functioning Alcoholic

Alcohol is great. Anybody who says different is either a loser who thinks he's better than everybody else because he "doesn't need alcohol to have fun," or an alcoholic. It's easy to become the latter, since life is pretty terrible, so the question is: how to keep drinking and still (appear to) be a functioning member of society? Read More »

Liam Senior's picture

Instructions for Steve Harwell's Personalized Vape Pen

Congratulations on purchasing your very own Steve Harwell's Kloud Kickr Vape Pen! Steve is so happy to have you! With this step forward you have reached Astro Level One and are that much closer to achieving nirvana with the Kloud Kicker himself, vape creator and lead singer of Smash Mouth, Steve Harwell. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

10 Things to Say When Your Dentist Asks "How Do You Like My Fingers In Your Mouth?"

1. "Personally, I've never been a fan of having my mouth invaded by your hand sausages, but I understand this is your job, and I'll be damned if I don't respect your craft." Read More »

Larry Ryals's picture

Blah vs. Bleh: Dawn of Blech

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice is arguably an even bigger hype than Star Wars 7. Do you know why? Of course you do! Because everybody fucking loves superhero duels. I can't set foot in my workplace for more than 4 seconds without hearing 12 people having these "conversations": Read More »

Nicholas Vrchoticky's picture

Three Requirements for Male Bonding at Trough Urinals

A magical thing happens when two men urinate into the same receptacle: a bond is formed in silence, side-by-side, unknown to members of the fairer sex. Brothers are made at the trough, everlasting camaraderie formed. Though, if a bond is disrupted during its inception, an opposing and catastrophic reaction can occur... Read More »

Andrew Calin's picture

The 7 Most Annoying Types of 911 Callers

I am currently in the profession of saving lives. I go to work and save freakin' lives. I am a virtual shield; a telephonic Thor, if you will, to thousands of scared and incompetent people. My weapon of choice isn't a sawed off Winchester or Rick Grimes six-shooter. Nah, man. I'm strapped and riding dirty with a headset, yo. Read More »

Molly Grace's picture

The 5 Cats You'll Have to Euthanize Before You Find Mr. Right

Ladies, here's the cold hard truth: If you want a man, you're going to have to make some sacrifices. Some are small, like only pooping once a week in the dead of night at the gas station across town. Others are bigger. Read More »

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