Funny Guides and Lists
Hilarious how-to's, funny rules, and colorful advice, conveniently presented in numerical, graphical, and easy-to-laugh format. (Rarely in 3D.) Submit an article »
1. "Long John" Thomas Philips "Hardwood"
John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym "Long John Hardwood," worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club. Read More »
Have you thought about your taxes yet? Those naughty yearly deeds we all have to do each year?
For me it's difficult to forget, since it's the anniversary of the spring deadline for my literary magazine, Health Ink. If you're a writer like me, then I encourage you to apply. This year we're accepting recipes for any homeopathic remedies that use ingredients beginning with "H." My cousin has already submitted numerous recipes, although they were considered unacceptable because none of the recipes included actual ingredients; rather, they were nicknames for Jay-Z. Read More »
1. Needing Breaks After Socializing
What happened to you? You use to be so full of life, now all you do is scroll through Internet lists. Day in and Day out, you seem hell bent on finding out who 8 People in Your Philosophy Class are, What Movie Best Describes Your Sex Life, or even this... this clear clickbait, designed to say general things that'll make you feel like you're in a subgroup. To make you feel special. This is an intervention. Read More »
- "St. Patrick's Day is basically our one day off a year. All year long we're changing colors, constantly trying to hide from others. On St. Patrick's Day we can walk the streets of, I don't know, let's just say New York, and simply be free. It's truly a blessed day for the faith of the Irish and the well-being of chameleons alike."
-Chameleons Read More »
Sherman's March Back From the Sea
After a long, hearty march to end the war, Sherman and his men were disappointed, although understanding, of this equally long, less hearty march. Logically, they all knew it had to happen, but were still pretty bummed nonetheless.
Sherman's March Madness Read More »
Listen up, you who have wandered from the straight and narrow of the internet: follow me and I will show you the hell that awaits those who misuse the great social networks. Heed my warnings, for the fate of these wretches will be your own if you do not cease your wicked ways. (Note: you won't find any cyber bullies or their ilk here. They get sent on to real hell. No one wants those jerks around.) Read More »
- 12 years of Catholic school.
- Kendrick Lamar not winning at last year's Grammy's.
- Macklemore winning at last year's Grammy's.
- The Grammy's still being broadcast.
- Haters named Jeremy, Stephen, Kenneth, Julie, Michelle, Sarah, Esther, Eric and Marcus. Oh and Chris and the other Stephen. Read More »
A brand new year is upon us, and with it comes the chance to get stupidly excited about all the new films that will be coming our way. We'll have superheroes, spies, sequels, dinosaurs, robots, reboots, and probably a shitty Adam Sandler movie or six thrown in to even it all out. Read More »
Editor's Note: The following submission is presented entirely in unedited form, for maximum enjoyment.
Foreword Read More »
This summer I took the plunge and decided to set out across Africa, solo. Jason Derulo style. A two-month stint around Southern Africa by myself. There is a lot of stigma with traveling solo. Will I be safe? Will I make friends? Will people think I'm crazy? Read More »
In the wake of recent attacks on freedom of speech, we should all take a moment to review what is clearly not acceptable as the object of a humorous barb, no matter how damned funny it is.
Race and Ethnicity Read More »
Not all stereotypes of the South are necessarily true. We're not all overweight and stupid, and believe it or not, we don't all vote against our own self-interest. It might even come as surprise that the majority of Southerners have all of their teeth. But we do all have racist grandparents and an unhealthy obsession with college football. Read More »
"Seth, who cares if your Charizard is a first edition? From dust we came and to dust we will return. Mr. Herzog says that in six billion years the sun's core will implode and the Earth will be consumed by the ensuing explosion. What I'm saying is that you can have my holographic Gyrados."
-Jared Read More »
The Barbie doll is an icon, a role model, and a reflection of women through many decades. Since Barbie's introduction in 1959, Mattel has repeatedly attempted to modernize Barbie's fashion and career choices. Once relegated to girlfriend status and domestic housework, Barbie has evolved into a modern woman who has pursued many jobs and professions, such as Architect Barbie and Doctor Barbie. Read More »
Rick Preacher is a rugged, workaholic detective who always solves the case, no matter what. He doesn't have a wife or kids because he's married to the job. After solving a string of robberies, Rick gets the weekend off to relax on a job well done. Alone in his apartment, crushed under the weight of social isolation, Rick decides to text all of his friends to see if they want to hang out. Read More »