I am constantly hounded by people asking me questions that begin with the line, "Did you know..." followed by some small fact about a movie, musician, celebrity, or food product which I either already knew or didn't care about. What annoys me most is the smug expression on their faces when they tell me that margarine is actually the same color as lard but has coloring added to it to make it look more appetizing and butter-like. Since when did I go around with a badge on saying, "Tell me something about margarine?" Read More »

We'll all face the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it's somebody who gets on your nerves, or somebody with ridiculous habits. It might even be somebody loud, who speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice constantly and screams at every single game on television no matter the sport. That's who I live with. Read More »

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If you were to ever translate the rules of the game "Punch Buggy" to "Tool Spotting," you'd probably have a lot of dudes walking around with bruised arms. The concentration would probably be highest in areas around urban clubs and suburban lacrosse fields. Tools are all around us, and most of us are tools to a certain extent. Some of us are partial tools, some of us fade in and out of toolism, and some of us—well maybe more than some—are just full-blown tools. Of course, a full-blown tool never thinks he's a full-blown tool, since this is a subjective affliction (although he may even ironically wear graphic tees labeled "Affliction"). Read More »

When I kissed a girl for the first time it seemed like the most magically passionate moment anyone could possibly experience. Looking back on it, though, I realize that dancing around a school disco in an emptied gymnasium while Boyz II Men played in the background isn't exactly the pinnacle of romance. Read More »

When I say I've had a tough life, I'm not trying to brag to internet strangers, I'm merely parting my extensive wisdom for you to cherish, always. I was the eldest child, born into the upper-middle class white family curse. I had a father, a full-time professional accountant, and a mother, a part-time lecturer. Read More »

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Rule #1: Women like men who are truthful and honest.

Your wife or girlfriend keeps asking you why you act so funny whenever her sister comes to visit. She just can't seem to figure out why you seem completely normal every other day, but when her sister is around, you tend to get really nervous, blush and perspire excessively, stutter, accidentally knock over furniture, and forget your own name. Read More »

Nagging your child may seem like the responsible thing to do as a parent with a 20+ year-old child, but need we remind you ladies and gentlemen that there is a reason the government acknowledges all persons over the age of 18 as adults? You may be thinking, "But how will they know what to do? What if they make a mistake? Read More »

Even as children we had a feeling Santa couldn't get us everything we wanted. So every year we endured possible chubbies in the laps of somewhat creepy bearded mall men to profess our innocence over the last year and request only the things we wanted which were most viable, depending on the in-stock availability of our requests, and our parent's household income. Read More »

So you've convinced a young lady to come to your place for a little night cap. You think she's a pretty cool chick, but let's be honest, not that cool. She's fun to fool around with and a good drinking partner, but you don't want her feeling too comfortable at your place. Or knowing your middle name. You have to be a man and keep her at arm's length! Read More »

In 2006 the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend was released. This film helped to illustrate two points. First, if you wish to make a successful comedy film you should probably attempt to put some funny people in it. Second, dating a superwoman is often a recipe for disaster. Read More »

A great man once said, "A man is only as poor as his character." And when I say that was a great man, I'm lying. When it comes to personal finances, inspirational quotes are only worth 98 cents. They're literally not all that and a bag of chips. Even though this news may be shocking to those of you who have a soul, DON'T PANIC! Read More »

I was peacefully sitting in my room one night reading a book titled, "The Amazing World of the Five-Paragraph Essay: Gerunds, Infinitives, Verb Tenses ...and Everything Else You Wanted to Know About Grammar but Were Too Afraid To Ask," when I suddenly heard the sound of bed hinges squeaking. Read More »

For most of my life I've had arachnophobia. I'm pretty sure it developed early in my childhood, by repeatedly watching some Michael Jackson movie, one where he turns into a Transformer at the end. There's a scene where the little girl drops her doll in the street and a few tarantulas carry it into the dark. In hindsight, it made more sense to fear Mr. Jackson himself. Read More »

Witchery isn't all cauldrons, eye of newt, and lesbians on Buffy, you know. Technically, a witch can be either a man or a woman, so long as they have a cat, a wardrobe consisting entirely of black, and a cackle that would shame Fran Drescher. Here then, is my list of male witches (also warlocks, sorcerers and assorted necromancers) who put the "ab" in "abracadabra." (And if you missed my last two Halloween specials, here are the Top 5 Sexiest Male Werewolves and the Top 5 Sexiest Male Vampires!) Read More »

Nothing says Happy Halloween like sexy, bewitching women casting their spell over you with the raw power that nature granted them. There's just something magical about Halloween that conjures up a powerful force within people, causing them to behave and act in ways that are seemingly out of character. Or are they? Read More »