Funny Guides and Lists

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Brendan McLoughlin's picture

How to Spam My Friends After You've Hacked My Email

Congratulations! You hacked my email—yet again. Don't get excited, I've already changed my password. How long will we continue this dance? Year after year it's the same story: you hack my email, then you try to push an endless number of weight loss pills and male enhancement on my contacts "from me." What's your angle? Read More »

Ryan OCarolan's picture

How NOT to Buy a Lottery Ticket at a Convenience Store

Losing lottery ticket

"A bird pooped on me. I should buy a lotto ticket!"
-Actual quote

It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have compiled a list of things you should know not to do before you come to the convenience store where I work and purchase a lottery ticket. Read More »

Alex Deniz's picture

6 Shitty Jobs You Really Did in the Navy

Sailor dog wearing a Navy hat

We've all seen the Navy commercials "Accelerate Your Life" and "A Global Force For Good." You see all the sailors doing all kinds of awesome shit, making you stop and really think about your life. Well, I was one of those bright-eyed, naive fucks that got suckered into the hype. Read More »

Matt Nagin's picture

10 Literary Rejection Letters to Famous Dead Authors

Famous author receives literary rejection letter

It is fortunate that the great authors of antiquity are not alive today. If they were, their most magical flights of figurative fancy—that skillful, mysterious plotting; those timeless, heart-wrenching turns of phrase—all might have ended up in the paper shredder. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

A Tourist's Guide to the Afterlife

Light radiating from Heaven's gates

Hello, Nick Hilbourn here: professional English major and spiritual guru.

After my wildly successful lecture series (given extremely avant gardely as a walking yell through the Bible section of the New York City Public Library), "Where The Hell Am I? A MapQuest For The Afterlife," attempted to provide people with a better understanding of what waits for us and how to find it after we die, I was met with more and more questions by people who were worried that they still would get lost when their soul departed the body. Read More »

James McDuff's picture

An Alpha Male's Guide to Being a Man

Cat with aviator glasses on
  1. Don't bitch.

  2. Drinking is the cause and solution to pretty much every obstacle you have to face in life from the onset of puberty, from loneliness to marriage, and all that spectrum of beauty in between.
  3. Read More »
Wesley Jansen's picture

7 Secrets for Passing a Teaching Interview

You're hired sign

We all know that going to a job interview can be very intimidating. Whether you're looking for work just to pay the bills, or actually trying to get your dream job, it's an emotionally trying time. Especially if you are a teacher. Teachers are put under lots of pressure in job interviews because they work with kids. Read More »

TK Field's picture

Hell's Playlist: 23 Classic Hits Ruined by Repetition, Part 2

« Back to Part 1 (the first 12 songs)

13. "All My Lovin" by The Beatles

While this song does not suck (no Beatle song outright sucks except "Revolution 9 #," and I blame Yoko and bad acid for that one), it is one of the most played-out, over-covered, and safest of Beatle tunes. It also ruined the rhyme "Kiss You" and "Miss You" for all time. Again, would it fucking kill you to play "Strawberry Fields" or "Happiness is a Warm Gun"? Read More »

TK Field's picture

Hell's Playlist: 23 Classic Hits Ruined by Repetition

Classic rock guitarist on fire

A few years back I worked for a time in a fabric showroom. It was an old Italian firm that had been around for most of the 20th century and dealt in very high-end silks, damasks, and wallpaper. This place sold only to the trade, and my job was to fetch samples of fabric for the decorators to show their clients. Read More »

Wesley Jansen's picture

A Man's Guide to Surviving Heartbreak

WARNING: The following article is unsupported by research. It was written by a maladjusted, depressed, anti-social, reclusive, angry, drunk male who has a long and embarrassing history of being rejected by women. As a result, it lacks a balanced perspective, it offers contradictory advice, and it has no solid thesis. Read More »

David Ayala's picture

Dear Craigslist, I'm the Missed Connection

Craigslist Missed Connection

Let's face facts: when we're sleeping we do weird things. My roommate let me know that when I fall asleep I twitch a lot to the point of banging my head against the wall. But aside from the fact that my roommate stares at me while I sleep like a princess, and that I turn into a self-harming maniac with Tourette syndrome when comatose, this just goes to show that as much as we think we know ourselves, we're not totally aware of everything. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

How to Convince People to Join Your Political Party, Through Home Decoration

Melting flag sculpture

If you're probably like me, then you probably like looking at politics. The sound of words like "congress" and "oil" intrigue you. ("What do they mean?") The idea of wearing a suit is something you've often thought about thinking about. Read More »

Matthew Chard's picture

3 Retro Cartoons That Deserve a Reboot (And 3 That Don't)

Skeletor is mad and sulking

The financial success of the Transformers films has proven that rebooting retro cartoons can be big, big business. Many people welcome an occasional dose of nostalgia such as this, even if it does come with farting robots and a non-naked Megan Fox, as it gives the public something that they are easily familiar with and thus can easily invest in. Read More »

Jacob Mielke's picture

Four Things You Learn as a College Procrastinator

Do It post-it notes

One of my main problems (well, other people call it a problem, I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle choice) in college was procrastination. I was a world heavyweight champ two semesters running for procrastination. If procrastinators are uniting tomorrow, I'm showing up next week. Read More »

David Ayala's picture

So You're About to See Someone Get Stabbed

Lately I've been using a lot of public transportation to get around, and as you might expect, I've seen some pretty shocking things. Then again, due to the gratuitous amount of shocking things in popular culture today, I'm usually unfazed by watching children crying in public or homeless people literally masturbating right next to me. Sadly, you just sort of...get used to it. Read More »

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