Funny Guides and Lists

Hilarious how-to's, funny rules, and colorful advice, conveniently presented in numerical, graphical, and easy-to-laugh format. (Rarely in 3D.) Submit an article »

Alex von Sternberg's picture

The Biggest Threat to Marriage Equality is Apophis

Pride flag with blue sky

In a landmark decision yesterday, the United States Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples can marry nationwide, a move that many see as a cause to celebrate, and others see as a cause to bemoan. This is understandable, seeing as the topic of "gay marriage" has been in the political lexicon for nearly 30 years, with debates raging around policies such as the 1994 "Don't Ask Don't Tell" ruling (and its 2011 repeal) or the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996 causing quite a stir. Read More »

Jim Wesley's picture

Three Compelling Reasons Bigfoot is Real

Bigfoot Crossing sign

Bigfoot, a giant, ape-like man (that should actually be called Bigfeet because it's a biped), is real and I am going to give you three conclusive reasons why. This hippie-like monster of an ape has been cruising through the forests and mountains of North America for years...barefoot! Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Three Worthless Insights Worth Remembering

Erasing pencil

Here are three insights of use to no one...

1. Don't lie on the street and have a construction worker ride his jackhammer and drive the sharp-edged side into your forehead.

This is a useless insight on many levels. Read More »

Candice Lee Jones's picture

How to Know If You're a Preptard

Scared woman with newspaper and hands on her head sitting on a bench

Hi, my name is Candice, and I'm a preptard. ("Hi, Candice!") If you're unfamiliar with the term, allow me to educate you. A "preptard" is a person who loves to prepare for future events. I'm not talking about birthdays, holidays, or vacations; those scenarios are far too sane. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

Why I Think Jaws Should Be Remade With a Car Instead of a Shark

Nice Jaws shark

Last year, nearly 1.3 million people died in road crashes. That's 3,287 deaths per day. An additional 20-50 million people are injured or disabled. However, the US only averages 19 shark attacks each year, and just one shark attack fatality every two years. Looking at the facts, how can any logical person be afraid of the great white disappointment that is Jaws? Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

13 Steps to Prove You're Not a Hipster

Hipster sketch looks like Unabomber

It's an epidemic: hipsters. They're everywhere. You may be one of them. Being a hipster is on the same playing field as being declared insane: try to rebut it and that only makes it more true. It's the ultimate catch-22.

Thankfully, following these 13 easy steps will ensure you're not a hipster, and definitely never be mistaken for one again. Read More »

Charles Hartley's picture

Points in Case Sentences Sick Freelance Writer to Death

Naked woman crawling out of a cage

There is this knobby cyst about the size of a baseball on my stomach underneath my left rib cage. As smooth as a whiffle ball to rub, it jams against my ribs. The region feels irritated and sore.

The doctor tells me it's not cancer. I think it is. But I would rather go on thinking I'm not dying. This is foolhardy and naïve because death does us all in. Did you get the memo? Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

7 Things Everyone on Earth Will DEFINITELY Understand

Hands together in a ball forming Planet Earth with blue paint

1. Breathing.

The inflow of oxygen rich air into your lungs, followed by the release of carbon dioxide, helping to support the necessary vital systems for survival? You guys get it? THAT'S SO CRAZY! We're like, two peas in the same pod, right? I'm not alone in this? Hello? Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

9 Obituaries That Reinforce Terrible Career Choices

Steve Jobs "Slide to Unlock" tombstone in graveyard

1. "Long John" Thomas Philips "Hardwood"

John Thomas Philips was born October 18, 1935 and passed away at on March 20, 2015, just as spring hormones were in bloom again. John, better known by his pseudonym "Long John Hardwood," worked diligently with dongs and thongs until he was 80 years old. He was a dedicated employee, working his way up from boom operator to director. He died on set a happy man. The devout Catholic's wake will be held at Pretty Kitty's strip club. Read More »

Nick Hilbourn's picture

Hip Hop Tips for Tax Season

Gold money sign bling on dollar bills

Have you thought about your taxes yet? Those naughty yearly deeds we all have to do each year?

For me it's difficult to forget, since it's the anniversary of the spring deadline for my literary magazine, Health Ink. If you're a writer like me, then I encourage you to apply. This year we're accepting recipes for any homeopathic remedies that use ingredients beginning with "H." My cousin has already submitted numerous recipes, although they were considered unacceptable because none of the recipes included actual ingredients; rather, they were nicknames for Jay-Z. Read More »

Luke Strickler's picture

6 Things Every Introvert Will Understand

Shy woman with hand in front of face

1. Needing Breaks After Socializing

What happened to you? You use to be so full of life, now all you do is scroll through Internet lists. Day in and Day out, you seem hell bent on finding out who 8 People in Your Philosophy Class are, What Movie Best Describes Your Sex Life, or even this... this clear clickbait, designed to say general things that'll make you feel like you're in a subgroup. To make you feel special. This is an intervention. Read More »

Taylor Sade's picture

15 Green Objects Gearing Up For St. Patrick's Day

Green Statue of Liberty
  1. "St. Patrick's Day is basically our one day off a year. All year long we're changing colors, constantly trying to hide from others. On St. Patrick's Day we can walk the streets of, I don't know, let's just say New York, and simply be free. It's truly a blessed day for the faith of the Irish and the well-being of chameleons alike."
    -Chameleons
  2. Read More »
Luke Strickler's picture

Nine of Sherman's Lesser-Known Marches

William Sherman black white headshot

Sherman's March Back From the Sea

After a long, hearty march to end the war, Sherman and his men were disappointed, although understanding, of this equally long, less hearty march. Logically, they all knew it had to happen, but were still pretty bummed nonetheless.

Sherman's March Madness Read More »

Tim Sullivan's picture

Dante's eFerno: The 9 Levels of Internet Hell for Social Media Sinners

Angel and Demon of the Internet

Listen up, you who have wandered from the straight and narrow of the internet: follow me and I will show you the hell that awaits those who misuse the great social networks. Heed my warnings, for the fate of these wretches will be your own if you do not cease your wicked ways. (Note: you won't find any cyber bullies or their ilk here. They get sent on to real hell. No one wants those jerks around.) Read More »

Geoffrey Asmus's picture

21 Reasons I'm Drunk Right Now

Drunk girl in middle of road
  1. 12 years of Catholic school.

  2. Kendrick Lamar not winning at last year's Grammy's.

  3. Macklemore winning at last year's Grammy's.

  4. The Grammy's still being broadcast.

  5. Haters named Jeremy, Stephen, Kenneth, Julie, Michelle, Sarah, Esther, Eric and Marcus. Oh and Chris and the other Stephen.
  6. Read More »
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