My guy friends often tell me I’m not like other girls. Sure, they still want to take a peek at my Pikachu, but they like that I’m not one of those frilly hoity toity girls who takes about five hours to get dressed before she can leave the house. It’s a gift really, not being a stuck up broad and all, and seeing as I’m so "chill," as many of my dudely friends say, I’ll give all you dingdongs (people with penises if you didn’t get that) a treat and share some insight into understanding the rest of my race. Yes, men and women are two completely different races, species, classes, genders, etc.

Girls are perceptive, sneaky bastards, so you have to practice, try a few combos, and hasten your approach each time┬áto eventually hit that high score.To keep this simple, I’ll talk in terms of something many males understand: video games. Yes, the most complex thing in the universe that not even Einstein could get, can be summed up with an A+B combo. Ready? Fight!

The building block for this simple thesis can easily begin with the purse. The female purse is like a magical game of Tetris, and every minute facet of the female being starts there. Tetris might seem simple, just rotate and move to the left and the right, right? No. You have to look at it like a strategic board far more difficult than anything a war tactician could drum up, or else game over. And we all know how badly things can go when things crumble with a chick. The fun stops!

Moving up a level from Tetris are those video games with no instruction manuals and a steep learning curve. Think of the most insane tactics game that you’ve ever seen, in life, and then multiply that by ten. As a chick, I might be banished to chick flick purgatory for letting you guys know some of our secrets, but who cares. I’m a rebel, dammit.

Girls dressed as Mario and Luigi characters
Working on Mario may involve playing nice with Luigi. Bonus points for the tag team.
Let’s take on a few common scenarios to make this simple. Let’s say you meet a girl you would put your mother on the black market to be with, and you decide to make your move, but, surprise, you get intercepted by her far superior, Ferangi-looking friend, compete with halitosis and lazy eye. This scenario can play out two ways. First is the Madden approach. You have to be your own star player and take that chick out. You can either get her drunk and ditch her ass in a cab or tackle her. Either way works to get that touchdown with her friend. That approach is for the major beasts, but if the friend is only slightly uglier, with a good personality, let’s say she’s the Luigi to your dream girl’s Mario, work the Super Mario Bros. approach and take turns. Hey, you never know, you might end up with a night you’re able to brag about. Flawless victory!

Next up, we have the inevitable argument with your girl. This is usually the kicker for guys. I would sum this up to a game of Space Invaders. Sure you hold your own for a while, and you finally think you’re going to win at some point and one up her, but then she pulls out the boss and you’re a goner. In this instance, the only thing that works is time. Girls are perceptive, sneaky bastards, so you have to practice, try a few combos, hasten your approach slightly each time, and one day, some day, you’ll hit that high score. Sadly though, even when you win, she’ll never remember your victory and next time, it’s all back to 0 points. Sorry guys.

Moving on, we have the Final Fantasy. If Luigi sidelined you on your first night when your dream girl was shit-face wasted and would have actually given you a chance, you’ll be in for a long, hard, boring courtship that will make you face hordes of bosses before you finally get that payoff. And sadly, like most Final Fantasy games, the prettier the girl, the more of a letdown she’ll be. Face it, exceptionally pretty girls of that rare supermodel level usually rely on their looks and are rock boring. Have you ever heard Kim Kardashian say anything even remotely not mind numbingly boring? And yes, Kim Kardashian can speak.

One of my favorites, and most likely one of yours too, is what to do about cheating. Regardless whether you’re the cheater or your girl is bumping uglies with the guy next door, this is a case of Shinobi. When you cheat, a girl develops near super-human abilities, and you will be caught with some devastating results, much like when facing a ninja. Face it, she’ll hunt you down with killer accuracy and she’ll hurt your ass. If she’s the cheater, don’t worry about it, you’ll never know. She’ll be like lightning when you’re drunk. You know you saw something bright, but your ass is too messed up to know what.

And, the most important thing I have to tell you isn’t really associated with a video game, but a lame kid’s game. Conversations with girls are like Simon Says. Sometimes she’s looking for something to get into an argument about, just because, or to guilt you into doing something you really don’t want to. It’s sick and twisted, but it’s true. So, you have to listen hard and listen good so you always get it right. Girls throw curveballs your way to make sure you’re listening and you better get your bat ready to send it right back into that chick’s face.

I hope this helped all of you nerds, but probably not. If you recognized all of these gaming references, as pedestrian as they may be, chances are you’ve never been within 10 feet of a girl who wasn’t related to you. In that case, happy gaming.

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