So Stephen Harper’s majority government has been running Canada for over two weeks now and I’m still using the metric system, so I guess the world didn’t really come to an end. I don’t really care about politics and rarely ever get involved in them because I think for the most part things are pretty great here in Canada. I mean, come on, what do we really have to complain about?

Education

I can’t speak for everyone who is a product of the Ontario Education Regime, but I didn’t know what a verb was until grade 12. This may be largely due to the fact that grammar was not a subject taught under the new provincial curriculum. Oh wait, I do remember having grammar in school, it was called French class. Imagine my utter confusion and frustration while trying to conjugate the past participle of a verb when I didn’t know what the word "verb" meant in my native tongue. No wonder I failed French every year; it was a losing battle.

Health Care

What costs $14.5 million a year and doesn’t work? Chris Bosh. What costs $200 billion a year (give or take a few Bosh’s) and doesn’t work? Canada’s health care system.

Right now 1/3 of my income is lost with every dollar I make, and every dollar I spend. I like my tax rate like I like my milk: 1% partly skimmed. I detest going to the hospital mainly because I can’t afford to take the three days off of work to sit in a waiting room and slowly die outside the comfort of my own home from an ailment that requires 48 seconds for a doctor to diagnose and treat.

One New Year’s Eve around 11:30pm I reluctantly drove myself to the hospital after coughing up blood at work. After watching the ball drop while seated in triage with a highly infectious respiratory virus, I only had to wait an additional 4.5 hours to be seen by a doctor who diagnosed me with an ailment that if contracted by an adult could potentially cause seizures, memory loss, hallucinations, memory loss, and blindness. Oh and death.

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Transportation

The roads are shit. Futile construction projects constantly add to traffic congestion. Public transport is just plain awful. It costs $3 to take the fucking bus! Once! I live in a city with a population of nearly 115,000 people, and the buses stop running at 5pm on Sunday. I work every Sunday until at least 11pm, what the fuck am I supposed to do then, take a cab? Who can afford a taxi? Hey, any of you politicians, law enforcement officers, or mothers want a guaranteed way to eliminate drunk driving? Subsidize the cost of taxis or have buses run until 4am—otherwise shut the fuck up.

Taxes

Maybe I could afford to take the bus if I wasn’t bled dry at every opportunity with taxes. Income tax, roughly 20% of every dollar I make, goes directly towards nothing. We also have a new homogenized sales tax of 13% now. So right now 1/3 of my income is lost with every dollar I make, and every dollar I spend. I like my tax rate like I like my milk: 1% partly skimmed. Anyway, at least property tax only accounts for 10% of my annual income, bringing our tax total up to 43%. Hmmm… is there any way we can find some extra tax kickin’ around? Oh I know, gasoline tax! At the current price of $1.30 a liter, gas tax accounts for over 10% of the cost. Fuck me.

There was something very different about this election: Facebook. Every day leading up to and following the election, I was bombarded with people voicing an opinion about how imperative it was to ensure Harper did not achieve a majority government. People’s statuses briefly flickered from boring updates like "omg gurrls uz SOOO wasted last nite!!! wut wuz that kute guyz name that i went home with?" to concern about "the rising cost of abortions," and sincere pleading to "please vote against the conservative party so we can keep Canada a democracy!" Just for future reference, casting your vote on Facebook doesn’t actually count towards the poll numbers. You have to show up in person and fill out a ballot to actually effect change.

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And who the fuck decided we were all supposed to vote NDP? I didn’t get the fucking memo. We have two liberal parties, why are we splitting the fucking vote? Not that it would have mattered anyway. Now we all have to read the Facebook version of Revelations through hundreds of status updates about how the fucking sky is falling because George Bush Jr. Jr. got elected with a majority government.

So as you can see, everything is just fine the way it is—at least the things that have a large impact on your day to day lives. The sky is not falling and Canada is not slipping ever more into the clutches of an evil villain hellbent on transforming our nation from a peace loving democracy to a totalitarian theocratic dictatorship. I’ll be concerned when gas hits 5 bucks a gallon… oh shit.

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