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Blame Canada
Blame Canada
>>> Casual
Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
Volume 106,298 - June 13, 2004
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"North of the Bored-er"
Now Playing: "Blame Canada" from the South Park soundtrack
First off, this is a message, or "shoutout" for you ghetto fabulous kids, to anyone who feels a little uncreative and decides to rip off my column ideas. I am a very
bitter and hostile person. I will write an entire column degrading your ass, so let the bitch beware! And away we go...
During the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, some 14 years ago, I was watching the Bruins-Canadiens playoff series. It's Game 3 in
Montreal. During the singing of the U.S. National Anthem, the frogs in attendance began a chorus of boos. They were booing the national freakin' anthem. It's then that I
realized that the war we need to fight isn't in the Middle East. It's up north. Here are 13 reasons (27, if you use the faggoty metric system) to blow a fuckin'
caribou-hole in the friendly Ninny to the North. By the way, I'm aware of the little controversy between French-speaking Canada and English speaking Canada. They both
suck, and they are both about to get a Made-in-America boot up their ass. I shall refer to them as the Frogs and the Hosers, disrespectively.
Okay, on to the column, eh.
1. Celine Dion. The worst singer in the long, sad history of bad singers. Maxim Blender made a bullshit list last month about the worst songs of all time, and
inexplicably Celine was left off, in favor of classics such as Snow's "Informer" and Deep Blue Something's "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Here's a history question, don't
ponder it too long, but what was more tragic? The sinking of the Titanic or the Celine Dion song on the "Titanic" soundtrack?
2. The Canadian flag. It's so boring. It's a goddamn leaf, surrounded by red stripes. Wow, your national symbol is a leaf, scary. Their national bird should be the
blue-balled cockswallow.
3. The Montreal Expos, who will be playing a few of their home games this season once again in San Juan. No, not San Juan over by Ottawa. San Juan, Puerto Rico. So,
to recap, because the Frogs can't appreciate the boys of summer, the Montreal baseball team will be playing in the land of cockfights and inner-tube road trips.
4. All the Frogs wanted to be their own country. Hey, Kermit and his buddies already tried having their own country. It's called France. That little experiment's
already failed once.
5. They got all pissed at Conan O'Brien and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog for poking fun at their ville de shit. Not only is Conan the funniest of the late-night
hosts, but Triumph is absolutely the highest of high comedy. Yes, hosers, funnier than your little SCTV. Speaking of which...
6. Yay, SCTV! We have Saturday Night Live. It doesn't mean much now, since SNL positively blows, but since SCTV was axed in the 80s, SNL has produced Sandler, Rock,
Farley, Spade, Norm, Ferrell, Fallon etc. I'd say Lorne won that battle. Christopher Walken's "Blue Oyster Cult" sketch destroys anything Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara
ever put together.
7. The CFL. I don't even have a joke here.
8. The use of "eh" as punctuation. Sickening.
9. Curling. Fun to watch, but so is a dog licking itself.
10. Their major cities aren't even major cities. Calgary? Edmonton? Vancouver? These aren't cities. Now, Montpelier, that's a city.
11. It's ass cold. I mean ass cold. I did some research and found that the average temperature in Canada is way too fucking low. And all that cold air stretches
into the US, so I'm stuck spending my winters praying my nipples don't cave in.
12. They think they are badass because they have free health care. Hey, America could have free health care, too, but we sort of have more than 62 people (and eight
horses) who LIVE in America, so yeah, that's a little costly.
13. Column-biting bastards who rip off my "Golden Rules of AIM" column. I'm calling my lawyer, eh.
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37 Comments
im canadian and im really patriotic, but i have to admit the article was funny. And we don't think we're badass because we have free healthcare (even though it is a pretty sweet deal). But,
1 thru 7 i don't like, 8 i don't use, 9 i don't like, and 10 thru 13 (excluding 12) i have to agree with.
Hmm... Funny. And I really wanna see what Emmanuel writes next man... Also, at least "eh" is better than "huhhhhh?"
You should post the ripped off article. I'd like to read what they did.
it already is posted
<a href="http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/emmanuel/4-18-04.htm">http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/emmanuel/4-18-04.htm</a>
aren't you from canada, eh?
this calls for a battle, like in 8 Mile, but with less B-Rabbit
marry me
finally someone that understands....although I must say the Canadian Geese are a rather large problem and suck to no end....you're amazing
The land of cockfights and inner-tube road trips is Cuba. Puerto Rico would be the land of hard liquor and loose women.
I am Canadian but not a fan of the Frenchies especially the Expos.I agree that SCTV isn't funny (by today's standards...but I loved it growing up). It's cold as fuck up here and we say eh all the time. But c'mon.... I'm a huge fan of Conan and Triumph and Montpelier....who are you trying to kid?
ps> am I the first to point out that Lorne Michaels is Canadian?....and so is Norm McDonald (who we are much more proud to take claim to)
um...I'm not canadian, but I'm drunk. and I thought the article was amusing. im me sometime justin if you're going to be in the new york area. or im me period - rae866. you seem like a cool dude. hahha the shit i wrote is corny. ahahh just im me it'll be fun - you im me too dudes that read this.
thats some funny stuff justin. :-P
OK, here's the thing, your list, although humourous is very wrong (noticed how I spelt humour the way every other English speaking nation spells it) now I love some of the stuff you guys write, I have even sent in an article and had it put up, however I would like to take this time to put forth a little anti-list of my own, eh-hem:
1.Celine Dion may be Canadian, but it’s the American’s who pay insane amounts of money to see her Live in Las Vegas, and take a look at your billboard charts, she might have been born in Canada, but you made her albums multi-platinum.
2. Although you may think your stars and stripes are amazing, try finding an instance of a Canadian burning our maple leaf, unlike the disrespect Americans have to their flag, we’re not dumbasses.
3. Screw the expos, the Blue Jay’s won the World Series back to back, and there’s American teams who have never won the title, oh yeah, you’re the only nation that even gives a damn about the sport anyways, check the world stage for some sprts and see how you fair, rugby, soccer, cricket, nope, you suck at all the above.
4. All the ‘frogs’ didn’t want their own country, the francophone population took a vote on separating from Canada and it turned out they wanted to stay, research my friend, it can come in handy.
5. A few people got upset, I live in a French sector of the country and did not hear about the incident until Conan apologized, and oh year, Conan got his start because of Lorne Micheals, a Canadian.
6. Once again, SNL was created and still is overlooked by a Canadian, plus Mike Myers (quite possibly the most successful past cast member) is Canadian.
7. CFL has players that don’t bitch and moan constantly about more money, they actually show up to games and DON’T compare themselves to such heroines as Rosa Parks, and these are your heroes America.
8. Let’s not compare grammatical errors of Canadians vs. Americans, because just like the War of 1812, you would lose.
9. Curling is Scottish, not Canadian, and is very fun to watch, however I’m not to sure about most people enjoying watching a dog lick itself, I think we should just imagine your point on this was never made.
10. Our major cities don’t have through the roof murder rates and pollution, wait neither do most places in the world, oh yea, that’s right Americans don’t really care about any individuals but themselves.
11. I’m not even going to touch this one, it’s just plain stupid to debate while sitting here in my igloo.
12. Yeah, take a look at your own health care, we are almost the envy of other nations because of our health care system, but once again, who cares who dies, right?
13. Yeah, I hate people who do shit like that.
OK now that I’ve got that off my chest time to sit down and watch a Jim Carey or Chris Farley movie, listen to The Tragically Hip or Nickelback, and sit down with one of my girls (who are unbelievably hotter than American women, honestly, look it up) and possibly NOT
Since Alex Black has taken a humor column as an invitation for open war and freaked out on everyone, I think I'll return the favor.
We didn't choose to allow Celine Dion over the border. You people had the full capacity to keep her over there.
As far as flag burning goes, I think you should realize that the most powerful country in the world is bound to get that sort of response from people. Sure, the government has made mistakes, but at least most of them were backed with good intentions. When was the last time Canada completely risked everything to help another country? I do realize that there are Canadians now working with American soldiers, and it has been that way ever since World War I; but in all seriousness, when has Canada ever taken such a risk as the United States?
If you really think that Americans "suck" at games that don't have as much notoriety in the United States like rugby, you're wrong and clearly have never been anywhere in this country where people play; and those places aren't exactly difficult to find.
And as far as researching goes, research less idiotic ways of expressing yourself "my friend."
The next thing you're going to say after you trace everything back to Lorne Michaels is that he also gave Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny their starts, so please, stop yourself.
Sure, Mike Meyers is really amusing, I like his stuff, his movies make me laugh. But if Chris Farley were still here, he could take Mike Meyers any day.
Yes, there are a few NFL players who whine and cry over absolutely everything. But open your eyes and watch the games. The vast majority love their game and are extremely tough. Why don't you get yourself through a practice one of these days?
And you know what, some of those players really are heroes. There are players who keep themselves clean and should step up and be role models to young people.
It's news to me that we lost the War of 1812. Last time I checked the British were still 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean and we've been living with the same government for over 200 years. Oh--and I counted two grammatical errors and one spelling error in your response.
I'm sure in a way that curling is intense and so on and so forth and that really nice people possibly enjoy it. But I hope your realize that you outrights stating that you like watching curling is chasing away any prospective fans, because few people would want to associate with someone who can't deal with a little teasing on a college humor website.
Yes, pollution is high, but in case you haven't noticed, it's dramatically decreased over the past 20 years. Add that to your list of things to research after different, less idiotic ways of self-expression, "my friend."
There is also a very high murder rate. And you can also research that the crime rate is has decreased in the past ten years. But in what other country is there such a mix of ethnicities? Not one. It is very wron
Part II
It is very wrong for these people to be hating and killing each other, but as strange as it may seem to you, these hatreds are entwined into cultural groupings throughout the country (but not everywhere). I would rather see many different people living together happily than shooting each other, but this may take a number of generations to work itself out. But people like you sitting there and doing nothing to help should not be judging. You're the one full of yourslef.
I hope you are fully prepared to take back the statement that Americans don't care about any individuals but themselves. You can find egotistical nutters in any country in the world. If Americans don't care about anybody but themselves, then why do mothers and/or fathers go to work everyday and bend over backwards to provide for their families in hope that eventually they will help to improve the world? Why is it that so many tax dollars go to places like Africa to help all of the people there dying? Why is it that so many Americans have joined groups like the PeaceCorps and Doctors without Borders? Why is it that there are Americans dying in deserts in the Middle East in an attempt to help people?
Health care for 30 million people deeply contrasts with health care for somewhere around 290 million people. Also people in this country go out and act for themselves by working and earning it, the American work ethic, that far surpasses anywhere else in the world. It has been researched (something you're not very good at) that Americans work more hours and take less vacations than any other country in the world. Go look that up, you nutter.
At least there's hope for the world that you also agree that plagiarism is wrong. Good for you.
Nowhere else is more welcoming and accepting of everyone than my country. No other country in the world has as much freedom as the United States. I hope you go sit in a corner and cry about how wrong you are about everything. Have a nice life.
Part III
P.S.
There is an 80% overlap between American English and English spoken in Great Britain. You shouldn't care about that and care more about keeping your geese up there along with Celine Dion. They are all giving the United States irritation it does not need.
Meh...What a boring discussion. Just get it straight that neither country is perfect. HOWEVER, please don't come to me with the "help another country" bullshit, if suicide bombers, terrorist attacks, and mutilations is what you get back for helping then what the hell do you get back for NOT helping? And ladies and gentlemen, please let's not remind ourselves of Lynndie England and the degrading pictures taken at Abu Ghraib prison. Would you call that helping too?
14. Canadians who write responses longer than the original article itself.
15. The fact that they invade our beaches every summer and every dude wears a speedo, even though they all look like they're 35, still living in their parents garage, and asking to be "treated like an adult."
16. They dress their kids in speedos to carry on the tradition.
17. Bryan Adams
Americans should just shut the fuck up. you guys are not perfect, so fuck off. We apperciate all your accomplishments and contributations, but Canada is one of the most liked countries in the world..so calm down guys. Canada luvs ya!
i live in toronto! I think justin is hilarious even though some things he said about canada were mean its JUST A JOKE! i hope lol KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK JUSTIN come visit me if ur even in toronto :)
i think mr. alex black insinuated that Chris Farley is canadian, which he isnt. he's from the land of beer and cheese, Wisconsin.
i dont care how canadian football players act, they game they play is retarded and boring, mostly because they took the real game, did some crystal meth and rewrote the rules. the fact that their version of the Super Bowl is called the Grey or Gray (like we give a shit) Cup just points out that its boring and dumb. oh and while i'm at it, soccer is for pansies, cricket is barely a sport, and Rugby is a game to play drunk, because it has about 4 rules and nobody follows any of them. Rugby is just football for people to dumb to learn the intracacies, rules, and offensive and defensive systems of a the best sport in the world, AMERICAN FOOTBALL
justin you are an idiot
Worst column ever.
i think your a fucking idiot, you think the U.S. is perfect, think about it buddy
just to let you know the CFL is way more exciting and it is going into it's 90th year. what is the NFL Super Bowl 37?
Rugby are for fucking fatties who are too fat and out of shape to play real football.
And I'm sure Alex Black is a fag who doesn't really have many girls, he probably sits at home beatin it all night long. faggot.
By the way....if Canada is the most liked country in the world, how come all the immigrants aren't trying to swarm into Canada instead of America? fuckheads.
It's only an article people, he never said you have to live by these rules or anything, it was just a little humor...oh sorry- humour. lighten up fuckers.
F all of u stuck up US snobs. Lets see who got the SH!T knocked out of them because they were worrying about there 401K plan September 11th, that's right the US. so all u stuck up rich US loving, canadian hating snobs, SCREW YOU and YOUR STUPID 401K PLAN. Oh yea, Canadians could kick ur ass in hockey.
i love you justin...
true canada COULD potentially kick their ass in hockey but we didnt unfortunetaly in the stanley cup this year so maybe thats not the best thing to say... im canadian n to all my fellow canadians...RELLLLAXXXXX theres no reason to get all pissed off bcuz someone is making jokes about canada! everything he said is true thats why its so funny theres no need to defend ur country here!
Wow, sure some cntroversy on this subject. Why don't you people understand that each of us is going to think that our country is better than the other? Does it really make that big a difference if someone speaks their mind? You have got to learn that other people's opinions don't have to mean that much to you. So the Americans think we're soft, that our sports suck, and a lot of Canadian signers should be taken out back and put out of their misery. Just remember these small few things.
1. Our nations name is not being dragged through the mug because of the situation over in Iraq.
2. We still have some really great musicians. Nickleback, The Tragically Hip, Avril.
3. We still can drink their asses under the table! I have to say that your gold colored water is a sorry excuse for beer.
4. We are the most welcome people all over the world. There are Americans that put our BORING flag on their backpacks so they are welcome in other contries!
Lets all just get over ourselves!
well kids, this really isnt a big deal to get upset over. im sure canada is a nice place and so is the us. sometimes you gotta take chacnes as a country and thats why everyone hates you. then there are those who take no chances and everyone likes you. you cant have your cake and eat it too. good article. although the replies are shit, the article wasnt.
the bottom line is the us has made some stupid mistakes and their president is a fucking moron. nuff' said. and canada doesn't have such as big a population as the us because we don't have a state called alabama where having 12 kids and living in a trailer is mandatory.
by the way..why are you bashing our flag? your flag is just stars and stripes. half your population doesn't even know why there are 13 stripes and 50 stars.
I like the article its funny. I'm Canadian and i agree with you, celine dion can go suck on exaust fumes, Conan and triumph rule and it was sweet that he was in T.O...hey man thanx i'm so bad ass i'm gonna break my leg cuz i don't need to pay to get it fixed...I'm from Toronto the rest of Canada hates us...the west can suck it and the french are awesome till they start screamin sovereignty...ps i hate nickelback
ok i wasnt gonan say nething but then i realized what morons people were being so yes here we go. first off, im american and no im not all george bush happy and were the biggest and best and all that bullshit cuz half the people that say that have never been outside the country. honestly i cant stand george bush (if your someone as prominent as the president you should almost die honerably like getting shot or something, not choking on a pretzel and passing out getting your drool all over the carpet of the oval office). but now moving on 2 all you bitter canadians, i kind of feel for you but lets face it, americans know how you feel. pretty much every other country has a pretty strong dislike for us! but don't go wagging your stubby-high and mighty-hockey fingers at us for making a joke (that was true by the way!) that hey lets face it has been made several times before! i mean cmon, canada has been the butt of jokes from around the world for lord knows how long! you dont like it then maybe you should start changing things or become british or something (lots of people seem to like them, maybe it's their cool accents???) and by the way, you say you could kick our asses at hockey, well you kno normally id agree w/ you but hey wait a minute thats right, YOU DIDNT KICK OUR ASSES AT HOCKEY NOW DID YA, EH?? and im sorry but to the americans, can you hoenstly say you've never been to canada to do some spending since everything is cheaper up there?? and if you havent, then you're in no position to make fun of a country you have never even been to so dont know all that much about!! and to that fuckhole of a canadian who said most people dont know why there are 13 stripes and 50 stars, you suck at life. everyone knows its because there were originally 13 colonies and there are 50 states, yeah suck on that 1, eh! ive known that since i was 5. u say were so fond of ourselves and think were so cool, well guess what, uve all been bitching about how much better you are than us, SO YOURE NO BETTER!! o and 2 that chick bitching about ppl putting canadian flags (which by the way, i dont find to b a bad flag at all, im from california and all we have is a gay ass grizzley bear) on their backpacks pretending to be canadian 1.what kind of wierd ass person would do something like that and 2. do you have thousands of illegal immigrants literally dying to get into your country?? yeah, didnt think so. i deal w/ anti american stuff all the time but do you see me having a bitch fit? no, becuase not everyone is always gonna like you, thats what makes life so much fun!!!
hehehe fuckhole!!! wow. that's a new one. yes i admit canada has been made fun of....a lot. and I agree that celine dion is the worst singer ever and I'm glad that bitch went to las vegas.for everyone else who disagrees with me...you don't have to care about my opinion. i'm canadian. the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about canada so why should any of you give a shit about one guy's opinions? by the way, I'm not a fuck hole, I just have very strong views against the american government, and if you have a problem with that(erin)sue my hockey lovin maple syrup drinkin igloo inhabitin ass!
what the deuce justin?
i mean, i love you man, but how dare you?!?!?! diss the majestic nation that is canada??? yes our free health care rocks!! you bitch ass americans are just too jealous to admit it because youre all fucking capitalists that would rather sell your grandmother than give anything away for free. and yeah, our winters are cold. most countries have cold winters jackass. it snows in japan too motherfucker.
p.s, we hold no responsibilty for those quebecois fucks. they are their own business.