College Quotes
Jordan: This is why I need a girlfriend.
Karina: Then mail order one.
Jordan: I don't think the post office accepts packages that big. Coincidentally, that same rule bans me from every post office in the continental United States.
Karina: What about Alaska and Hawaii?
Jordan: Too cold and I'm banned from Hawaii for other reasons.
-On special deliveries
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My Box for a Box
By contributing writer Amanda Barnes
Lately I’ve noticed a trend in humor articles. More often than not, the writer focuses on relationships, sex, or the problems between men and women that stem from both. While the subject of the opposite sex is continually being revisited, I can’t help but notice that there are no articles written to address my own relationship problem: how do I pick up a girl? Sure, countless women have written advice on handling the walk of shame, the booty call, the fuck buddy, and what not, but in each instance, the other party is always male. And while guys reflect on the right way to pick up a woman and then dump her just as quickly, this advice is worthless to the female reader.
Try as I might, I can’t seem to find the right technique for luring an unsuspecting bimbo into my bed for the night (excluding sheer luck and happenstance). You see, there are many contributing factors to my dilemma, yet I’m wondering if there aren’t many other ladies facing the same problems I do in the ways of seducing the same sex.
1. I don’t look like the typical lesbian.
Ever since I’ve been dressing myself, I’ve preferred dresses to dungarees. What can I say, I like my nails painted, my hair styled, and my heels to match my purse. If God told me that I could sleep with Angelina Jolie on the condition that I “dyked it up,” I’d have to turn the Big Man down. I don’t care how much pussy is on the line, there ain’t no damn way I’m gonna trade in my perfume and pearls for a sports jersey and a $15 dollar buzz cut. I used to think I was an anomaly in the gay community, until recently, I learned that I am what some call a “lipstick lesbian.” While this moniker seems appropriate, there’s just one little problem...
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2. I’m not ACTUALLY a lesbian.
Guilty as charged, I’m bi bi bi. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Either I’m a lesbian who can’t accept being completely homosexual, or I’m just another college girl trying to get attention. I can confidently promise that neither accusation is true. I have absolutely no plans on giving up the opposite sex (or their equipment), nor am I an “above-the-waist” kind of lesbian. I don’t pussy foot around the pussy, so to speak. That isn’t to say that I haven’t had my share of fun with those bullshit, “bisexual” freshmen; it’s funny to watch the shame wash over them in the morning. However, while I personally have accepted my sexuality, there’s another roadblock in my way…
3. Most girls don’t know that I’m willing to go downtown.
Until recently, I had only dated guys, and while I was curious about girls, nothing came to fruition. Due to my fairly active straight sex-life, and my barren gay sex-life, most girls I was interested in had no idea that, while my past was full of men, I hoped for a future in their beds. My “straight” appearance didn’t help me much either, though I think that it’s a little unfair to judge a book by its cover. Just because I can properly blow dry my hair doesn’t mean I don’t want to give that little brunette a proper blowing too.
While I occasionally got lucky after a few glasses of wine and “deep talks” (guys, how do you put up with romance?), usually I was too shy to “out” myself. It wasn’t until a bunch of my friends and I went to a gay bar that I realized how large my dilemma truly is…
4. Most gay women are beasts.
After facing the (really) ugly truth about gay women, I realized that outing myself would create more problems than it would solve. For one, I knew that my platonic girl friends would think our friendship was tainted. Second, I realized that I would be putting myself on a whole new market to be sized up like meat and hounded by the ugliest wildebeests put on the earth. No offense ladies (or do you not prefer to be called that?), but you dykes are HORRIBLE. It’s like you decided to combine the looks of an overweight middle school boy with the demeanor of an undersexed caveman. I mean, MY GOD! After having a look at those trolls (even through beer goggles), I thought to myself, “Maybe I’ll just stick to guys a little while longer.”
So now you know the plight of a “shy-bi.” Now that I’ve analyzed my own personal quandary, I wonder if there are other closeted, lipstick lesbians in search of the same, who are also having trouble finding the right girl (for the night). I wondered if they felt defeated like I did, giving up on their dreams of a perfect pair of tits topped off with a pretty face. If so, ladies, don’t lose heart. Even though my gaydar broke a long time ago, we will find each other eventually, and after awkwardly finding out over drinks that we both munch carpet, we will fall in love for the night.
Just don’t expect me to call you afterward.
omg.....this has to be the most revolting article ive ever read on pic and you probably shouldnt be writting on this site......gauido Degraaf david nelson and simonne are way better and more entertaining
well the word "more" wasnt nesessary because urs wasnt close to entertaining
thanks and ill be praying for you swift and painless death
have fun with NASCAR and "dykes of hazards"
love,
billy
If you're on a campus, there should be more than enough resources devoted to people who identify as something other than straight, and from that point, it's just about finding somebody who fits your fancy.
If you're near a major city, go online and find a listing of lesbian bars around your city, and find out what kind of clientelle they cater towards. If you still can't get any in a lesbian bar, then, maybe you're not attractive enough. Work on that, or stick with guys.
If you're in the middle of nowhere, the internet is still your best friends. There are many sites devoted to just your quandary, and I imagine it would be worth your effort to find them.
If all of these don't work, call me, and I'll do my best to tuck it back until the lights are really low.
Still marking the spot,
-X-
Emily,
First of all, trying to date a female is akin to sandblasting your skull and then using hydrogen peroxide to numb the pain.
Secondly, winning a woman's attention (and subsequently her heart) is simple: talk about her.
Women are attention whores (and how!).
That's all the advice you'll ever need.
1) How does billy not like bi chicks? Especially if this one (you) isn't lying about being at least averagely attractive. Billy is jealous of having no girl parts.
2) Whats with all the "its ok. you'll find yourself someone someday" advice crap? And by all, I mean 2. Seriously. Its a comedy article. This chick doesn't need moral support. She needs two more boobs and a landing strip. And a video camera.
3) "While I occasionally got lucky after a few glasses of wine and “deep talks” (guys, how do you put up with romance?)"
Answer: Guys are great bullshit artists. Plus the more drunk we get, the more we'll do to put the wang someplace warm.
4) Good article.
1. Great article - was real funny, and it was great to read that not everyone is mentally stuck in their fecal phase
2. I can totally relate - why search for lesbians in a gay bar if all you want is a hot chick that thinks the same way you do? And it's a funny approach to a situation I know real well.
So don't listen to those prudes and keep it up - looking forward to more of you!
"this has to be the most revolting article ive ever read on pic and you probably shouldnt be writting on this site"
This person is soooooo wrong!
This ISN'T the typical PIC piece, but at least you had guts to try something new! I really enjoyed your article. Props to you and I hope you keep writing!!
I understand, and it scares me how much I understand.
How hard is it to understand that when you want a girl, you want a girl, not a girl trying to be a boy?
(Billy is just mad 'cause you turned him down last week thinking he was a dyke. Poor Billy.)
Loved it. Seriously. Loved it. I totally agree with the statement about us bisexuals, too. It is a fine line between who has it worse, though, you girls or us bi guys. Keep writing, don't let them get you down. You have fans who are rooting for you to find that occasional one night with perfect tits. - J
jessica, sandra, tyler, J, thank you, your compliments mean a lot. Roxanne...well to be honest i'm just excited that you commented at all (i'm a fan). Traeger, X, thanks for the male insight. Billy, thank you, i hope that when i die, it IS swift and painless.
Loved it. Loved it. LOVED it.
I can totally relate. I called my friend yesterday complaining about the exact same thing.
Plus everyone I know thinks that since I like chicks I should want to make out with/fuck all of them-why can't I just pick one who's attractive?
PS Billy's an idiot, what guy isn't into thinking about bi chicks?
"4. Most gay women are beasts."
I've never had any experience with seeking out a romantic relationship with another girl, and i STILL laughed aloud. Some of the writing was a little awkward, but I'm looking forward to seeing your improvement as you write more often. Overall, great piece.
I know exactly what you mean. I have the same problem, though I did try to dyke it up for a while, but after a while I went back to skirts ha.
Awesome, we want the same things!
BTW - Good article
You go to Mary Washington...I know some male graduates there and they tell me that most of the girls in that area are NOT attractive.
Try going to JMU for a weekend or two..that might help.
See, Traeger is right about focusing your conversation on your "target," (who doesn't like to talk about themselves) unfortunately, in your specific situation I bet the fact that you are looking for action is completely lost on the other girl, and they think you are just being friendly... right? Unfortunately I don't have much advice for breaching that barrier, since, well, I'm a guy... but I did enjoy the article, and amen to whoever posted the "two boobs a landing strip and a video camera" comment, hehe
anyway, good luck with your quest for a hot-female one night stand :D
Nice article. I found it very informing and insightful. I wish you luck on your quest for anouther person like youself. A little piece of advice from my experience though: If you plan to use a camera, make sure its out, but not set up already when you get home. If someone walks into your bedroom and it looks like you shoot porn for a living, you tend to scare a lot of people off.
Or just buy some rohypnol!
The answer to 90% of sex related issues.
Emily, not to sound like a complete tool, but based on your picture and your sense of humor (all I have to go on right now) you're the stuff dreams are made of as far as any guy would ever be concerned. Good luck with everything, and if you ever need a wingman I volunteer. Keep those articles coming, it's nice to get a breath of fresh air around here.
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