1. A golden necklace.

Nothing says, “I love you, but this isn’t a big enough deal for you to call the police about” like a beautiful gold necklace. And don’t just settle for an average 14-karat one either. Your soulmate deserves a pure 24-karat gold pendant. You’ll have to slip it under her door one day when she’s at Zumba because she changed the locks, but you can still make sure she knows it’s from you with a little “guess who?” note.

2. An alarm clock with a camera in it.

Ok, ok, I know this technically violates the restraining order, but it’s such a good idea I had to include it. And it’s not like she’s gonna spot the camera; Beth never was too technical. An added bonus of this little beauty is that since you added the camera, it’s technically homemade. Chicks dig a handy man. And seriously, imagine how good a gift this will be if it works. You can once again fall asleep to your soulmate’s breathing every night.

3. A book of her friends and family’s addresses.

This will be so helpful for her. She won’t have to email her mom for Aunt Marilyn’s address any more, and it’ll be nice for her to know that you know where all these people live. Who are you gonna run away to stay with Beth, your cousin Rachel at 331 Eastwind Rd. Bedford, WS 32309? Your uncle Marty at 98 Thrush Grove Cir, Apt. B, Newark, New Jersey 68451? Yeah, good luck.

4. A picture of her and her new scumbag boyfriend out on a date.

This is a great little snapshot you got of her and Sean, from work, kissing in a Barnes and Noble. What does he give her that I don’t? He’s emotionally stable. I’m stable. I’m so stable you could park a horse in me. He’s funny. I’m funnier. For proof see my earlier stable joke. He has a good job. Your school teacher’s salary was more than enough for us to live on. Sean’s not even that handsome. I know, because I burn a photo of him every night before bed.

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5. A love letter written in your own blood.

It’s a bold move to say the least, but it might just be the only way Beth will understand that your love for her will never perish. It might take a few pints to get the wording exactly right, but it will all be worth it once she realizes that we’re made for each other. Beth, I will be with you. You can get restraining orders, move towns, change your name, but I will always be there. Always.

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