No Vintage 2008 Wine, Please
2008 will always have the acidity of blood in my mouth after breaking my neck. It will swirl like a spinal cord no longer protected by bone, but 2 titanium plates and 8 screws.
Archive: 2008
Happy Birthday To Me
<p><img src="/files/u46/1116082340a.jpg" alt="kc wink" width="400" height="300" /></p><p>It's true, my birthday is New Year's Eve. Now, maybe Nobel Nathan DeGraaf will try to get you to believe that having your birthday on <a href="/nathan/2006/12/christmas-birthday-pros-and-cons.html">Christmas </a>is better than "The Eve," but he's wrong. </p>
This Steering Wheel is Getting in the Way of My Drunk Dialing
Like all good parties, it's best to be sleeping in your own bed when they come to an end, even if it means borrowing your little brother's car and drunk dialing everyone you know on the wild ride home.
Stop Trying to Steal Shit
I work at a video store. It amazes me that every day, customer after customer thinks they are smarter than I am. At first it was funny and I enjoyed ruining someone's master plan to rip the store off, but now it has become a chore and just pisses me off.<br />
Mother Earth
<p>"<strong>PUSH! PUUUUSHHHHH!</strong>" the annoying doctors and nurses around me scream in my ear.</p><p>"Chill." I take a drag of my cigarette. "Everyone just chill. I'm not going to be able to tell when the tranqulizers I took kicked in if everyone around me is freakin' out."</p><p>"Ma'am, you need to start pushing <em>now</em>."</p>
How to Win Friends and Influence People Before You’re Born
I think Dale Carnegie missed out on a key segment of the population: unborn babies. Imagine if you could just teach people how to win friends and influence people FROM THE WOMB. What else does a fetus really have to do all day besides lay around and get nutrients through a tube?
My Live Blog of a Night at the Frats
Oh my God, I'm walking to frat row. I thought we were being ironic! I was being sarcastic when I said that I wanted to 'get my pong on.' I don't talk like that!
Ask Mister Drinker Man!
Each week we answer viewers' questions about alcohol and related topics, like how to make a cocktail straw to the jugular look like an accident, or how to convince your pregnant ex-girlfriend to meet you at the top of a flight of stairs. Sometimes we don'
Nietzche
I played with some big thoughts today.<br />Nudged them forward<br />The way I might kick a<br />stray<br />bottle on the street,<br />Its torn wrapper flapping with the brisk wind:<br />A corporate flag.<br />The thoughts bounced forward<br />the ridged edges clattering as they rolled.<p>It's funny how everybody is going to die but nobody knows what it's like.</p><p><em> Clunk</em></p>
My Personal Helper Monkey
Dear Helping Paws Primates, I had a bad accident and could be paralyzed at any minute, which is why I'm writing to you: I need my own helper monkey.
Jesus Died for This Article
Christmas-themed articles usually fall into one of three categories: Santa's real, Santa's not real, or Jews suck. This year we're going for all three, if you can believe it.
Cannibal Family Dinner
<p>A young, energetic boy sets the kitchen table and sits down. The mother, in an apron, is busy finishing the cooking of the meal.</p><p>She finishes and brings the food over to the table. She watches her son start eating.</p><p>"Come on, Billy, eat your Gary's."</p><p>"I don't wanna eat my Gary's. Gary's suck!"</p>