I understand that it's not my way to be topical. As one of my English teacher's once pointed out (helpfully), “X-Box, not only did you not stick to the topic, I'm hard pressed to find a single instance where you even alluded to it. This isn't so much a commentary on the theme of insanity in Hamlet as a rambling account of ludicrous misdeeds and suspicious half-truths. B/B+” Man I miss that guy. But that's neither here nor there. Well, I suppose it IS there, but I'll be a monkey's fuck buddy if it's here. This space isn't for pointless digressions and would-be witticisms. It's for the kind of incisive social commentary that you can get no where else.
Now, I've never had any problems with Federal prosecutors. Anybody who tells you otherwise is a goddamn bigmouth to whom I'm never telling another secret. This story, however, is nigh unbelievable. If you don't want to click the link, here's a brief rundown:
A federal prosecutor was indicted the other day for several charges relating to an incident where he arrived at an airport, hoping to meet a five year old girl. He had been setting up this little date for some time with what he thought was the girl's mother, but was actually other federal prosecutors. In a bizarre twist, when he arrived for the rendez-vous, he was carrying with him hoop earrings, a Dora the Explorer doll, and a large tub of petroleum jelly.
Ok, first of all: hoop earrings? Unless he was planning on taking her to a Christina Aguilera video from 1999, that was a careless choice. Petroleum jelly and Dora the Explorer? That was his big plan to seduce a five year old? How stupid does he think this girl is? Was he really expecting the combination of mass marketing and subpar lube to distract a freakin' fiver long enough for him to slide his near 50 year old dong into the verdant forest of her (not yet) womanhood?
I'm almost more concerned about what kind of man would befriend a mother willing to pimp out her toddler daughter to a near stranger. If that didn't raise some red flags, then I'm super scared. Because that would mean that it's so commonplace that he didn't even flinch. New rule: If the girl who you're courting is too small to see over the keyboard and type for herself, she's too young. Can we agree on this? I can just see how it happened:
BSpearsmom13: I have a lovely daughter who you should meet, preferably in a public area, where there would be nowhere for you to run should something happen.
TheFedPed47: Nothing fishy about that.
BSpearsmom13: She likes Dora the Explorer, napping, and tacky accessories.
TheFedPed47: I have just the surprise. Hey, you're not going to turn out to be Chris Hansen or anything are you? Ha. Ha.
BSpearsmom13: I gotta go do…uh…motherly stuff. Like breastfeeding. And shopping? And soccer practice.
TheFedPed47: But you didn't even tell me what kind of lube she prefers.
Last message not received because BSpearsmom13 is off doing totally normal creepy mother things.
Another shocking twist came at his first hearing when J.D. (The FedPed) agreed that he felt comfortable in “general population”. Conventional wisdom suggests that prisoners are not only, shall we say “less than fond” of federal prosecutors, they fucking loathe child molesters. And they just don't get the appeal of Dora the Explorer. Let's just say I hope he found some way to smuggle that petroleum jelly in with him. He'll need it.
My final thought isn't mine at all, it's the intellectual property of a stand-up comedian whose name I forget but who went after me on an open mic:
“So these pedophiles. They go around fucking little kids, and then they get caught. They get embarrassed, lose their homes, jobs, wives. Their own families turn on them. Then they go to prison, where they're consistently abused by rapists and murderers. But what happens when they get out? They go BACK to fucking children. And that got me thinking: fucking kids must be pretty great.”
Labels: Pederasty, Predator, Prison, Prosecutor