Satire | Page 213 | Points in Case

Tag: Satire

I’m sorry I climbed a utility pole outside during halftime to hang a handmade flag with my team’s logo.

9:07 PM: You wonder if you were actually the one who made the comment about the band name and have been replaced by an Adam Levine. You’re not sure.

In the event of a water landing, beneath your seat is a compartment that contains a credit card application in a waterproof pouch.

Putting yourself into extremely dangerous situations isn't a sin. If you survive, your life is more exciting, but if you die, Jesus will be waiting.

We simply weren’t burning enough calories. That’s why we swapped it out for High Intensity Forever Training (HIFT).

I am the only one with fingers, so I have the job of breaking sticks in two and putting them in a pile. I have also been designated a “performer.”

I arrived home to my apartment, fresh groceries in hand (despite the fact that I am never seen cooking, talking about food, or eating).

Rest assured, I have heard the cries from the people, and I’d like to consider myself extremely in tune with what they want: more centrism.

The Sun Explodes: It’s been on fire for a few centuries now, it is only a matter of time until it explodes like a thing of bug spray in a campfire.

Join us in the kitchen for Kristen’s goodbye pizza! Why is Kristen leaving? Legally I’m not allowed to say, but 100% this was her idea.

"I dropped my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket on my foot & broke several bones." How wonderfully whimsical! We are not responsible for any damage.

We prevailed! We, whose skins are sensitive to the winds that whip through the lobby when goddamn Liam doesn’t shut the door—marched into battle.