Open Letters | Page 19 | Points in Case

Tag: Open Letters

“You won’t be needing that anymore,” you told me “from now on, you’re known as ‘sad male employee burns mouth on coffee too hot office man.'”

501-1000 likes: Your package will be delivered by dedicated Piper Cub and guarded en route by a contingent of off-duty Allstate Security agents.

I’ve been on the lookout for the swirling cloud of evil that must constantly follow you, and I keep my nose up to catch a stench of this wickedness.

Not many people know this, but my bees once stung the hell out of Mario Cuomo. That’s right, this horde of insects is a part of New York history.

Once desirous of The Nookie, I found it began to stifle me, the voice of my generation. I became the gatekeeper of what was and was not Nookie.

RULE 22.0: Imagine for a moment a model train set circling without purpose—you’re the little plastic conductor.

When I said I personally liked having 30 books in my house, I meant it because that's what I like. It was a fucking suggestion, not a threat.

You're probably wondering, what sort of management skills does this guy have to run Tesla? Rest assured, I'm just like you: all over the place.

Diane, your son is an expressionless stump on stage (no pun intended). I can’t stress this enough. He looks like a dead, lifeless boy.

I am fairly certain my stepson is going to murder me. These albums have turned what's left of His heart as frosted as the tips of His hair.

I need a strong, carnivorous lover, not a submissive creature of the field.

Listen to the language, Jeff. “Designated area,” ”gentle correction.” Is this our backyard or is this Auschwitz?