You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?
Tag: Friends
An Idiot’s Guide to Grieving After an Acquaintance Dies
As you get older, more of your acquaintances will die, and you'll get better at saying the right things in public. But the first time it happens, it's a little awkward.
Just Because I’m a Hot Girl with Huge Boobs Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be My 38th Facebook Friend
Why does a beautiful girl like me only have 37 friends? Because I'm selective, that's why. Just click "confirm" already.
Not Only is My Jacket Cooler Than Yours, Your Jacket is Absolutely Awful
I haven't been paying that much attention to you - but what I can say with complete certainty is that your jacket is not as cool as mine.
I Guess I’m Going to the Inauguration By Myself Again This Year
Asking a girl to the inauguration is a rite of passage for teens, but everybody says they're going "as a group" this year, and I can't find a stupid date.
Jacob and Esther’s Realistic Wedding Agenda
Jacob and Esther each found their soulmates, and they each happened to work at the same place as each other. Isn't God the best?
My Dad’s Six Simple Steps to Painting a Room on Sunday
Listen Todd, the best way for me to help you paint your kid's nursery today is to use my dad's advice to me as a kid.
How to Get Your Friends to Come to Your Poetry Reading
Poetry is a tough sell, especially when it involves making people listen to it out loud at length. Here's how to sell the concept to friends.
Six Reasons I Can’t Handle Your Compliments
If you have something nice to say to me, I beg you to reconsider—I just can't handle that kind of loaded pressure.
The REAL Ultimate Guide to Making Adult Friends
Making adult friends can be difficult. But I've broken the process down into six easy steps that will catapult you into social butterfly status before you even know it!
Seven On-Screen Friends Who Hated Each Other in Real Life
Kermit and Miss Piggy's feud began in 1980, when she found out that he starred in a Trident gum commercial without her. Since then, things have been sticky.
Three Requirements for Male Bonding at Trough Urinals
There are very specific conditions necessary for the primal of forces, the trough urinal bond, to take hold. Men, take note before unzipping.