A recent survey found that 39% of Americans are coasting at work, doing the bare minimum to get by without burning out. Personally, we think that percentage ought to be higher, but we get it. Not everyone has reached that dream corporate state where you have to attend syncs about syncing every 45 minutes while your brain screams at you that this whole thing is pointless.

Still, you can’t just show up and stare at a wall for the duration of the whole meeting. It’s all about looking vital, even as your mind is thinking about the least vital things in existence. You’re going more for a visionary processing high-level macro-economic shifts in their head and less malfunctioning animatronic at a budget theme park.

If you plan to join in on the quiet, salaried catatonia, we’ve got you covered. This modern cubicle survival guide will have you looking like an indispensable corporate asset even as your brain cells are actively dissolving from boredom.

The Deep Thinker Dual-Monitor Setup

If you plan to look busy, you can’t leave any screen space free. One screen should have a massive color-coded spreadsheet that was last updated when Obama was in office. The other should feature something complicated and utterly incomprehensible. We’d suggest finding a logistics flow chart for a busy shipping port and zooming it in until it looks like an abstract art piece.

From there, just scroll down to a random bit of the spreadsheet, lean in and practice your best death stare. Throw in a dramatic, tired sigh for extra effect if you hear anyone walking by. They won’t ask questions.

The Strategic Pivot to Analog Solitude

Of course, this approach may result in a minor case of seeing columns everywhere you go. That’s why you need an escape plan that doesn’t trigger the IT department’s firewall flagging system. So, it’s time to practice your spatial awareness by finding ways to slack off. Just make sure you’re using the private tab while figuring out how to set up solitaire.

From there, it’s a race between acing the round as quickly as possible while your eyes and ears audition for the role of a security goon that a spy tries to sneak past. Though, for your sake, we hope you have a better success rate than they usually do.

Power Walk (With Purpose)

Staying at your desk for too long opens the cubicle door for terrible things, like people dropping by and asking you to do your job. Everyone wants to avoid that horror show, so you need to make yourself scarce with relative frequency. Keep an empty manila folder handy, and every 45 minutes or so, you’ll want to grab it, put on your serious face, and march down to the elevators. If anyone tries to stop you, hold up a finger and hiss something that sounds serious like “Not now, compliance is on a warpath.”

From there, it’s a quick trek down three flights of stairs to a vending machine. Stare at it for 6-7 minutes, contemplate your life choices, then return via the freight elevator looking like you just came back from Vietnam.

Look Busy, Stay Ahead

Ultimately, successful coasters still have to do some work, as evidenced by the 39% of American workers. However, you can avoid being one of those chumps who actually work all day with the help of our survival guide. Look busy and mildly stressed everywhere you go, and you’re bound to stay ahead. After all, there’s nothing bosses love more than a miserable-looking employee.