>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
February 29, 2004
I'm going to run for President. Don't get me wrong, I've thought long and hard about this (actually, I was wicked trashed and said: “Dude, I should run for President, pass the bong”). I would make such a kickass President. But every President needs issues, and sweet Jesus on the can, have I got issues. Emotional, psychological, grammatical, etc. But, I got some political issues, as well. So here's 10 reasons why you should mark down Rebello on your ballots in 2004.
1. The War in Iraq. Always fun to start off with the small stuff, am I right? Would I have sent troops into Iraq? Of course. But I wouldn't bullshit the American people with lies about WMDs and Saddam's random homage to Amon Goeth in Schindler's List. No, I would tell the American people the truth: “Listen folks, gas prices suck right about now. Two fuckin' dollars a gallon to fill my Oldsmobile so I can drive to Old Navy for a new pair of bloomers? Here's the ding dong dillio. Iraq's got oil. Oil produces gas. Lots of oil means lots of gas. Lots of gas means supply goes up and demands goes down (that's right, I got an 82 in Economics, what now?). Demand goes down, price goes down. Gas becomes cheap. We're more powerful than Iraq. We get what we want. I call it the Little Weakling's Lunch Money Principle. So there ya go. Troops will die. Iraqis will die. But doesn't the concept of $1.25 per gallon moisten your crotch? I know it does mine.”
2. Gay Marriages. Those who read my columns regularly (Thanks Mom and Dad) know I have a tendency to make fun of gays. It's not that I have a problem with gays per se. I think it's sweet that two people can consider the brown-eye a “target of love”. I just don't like the gaying up of today's culture. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Will and Grace, Gideon Yago, Male figure skating, the Yankees having their own TV network, etc. It's sickening. But gay marriages, I for one, support. And here's my reasoning for all you Bible-thumping, 700 Clubbers out there: If all these gay dudes can legally hook up, that means more ladies for the rest of us. Again, it's simple economics, people. “What about lesbos, Justin?” Good call, voice in my head, anyone who's paid attention to my columns/ramblings/TiVo schedule, knows I looooooove lesbians. Especially lipstick lesbians, with the caressing and touching and tickling, and oh sweet Jesus, where was I? Let the assclowns marry!
3. No more affirmative action. (Court, who edits this bad boy, and probably deals with all the PR heat, is currently sweating like Ruben Studdard in a Taebo class). I'm not a racist. I like black guys. But, like my thing about gays, I don't like stereotypes. I, for one, rooted for the black dude to nail Julia Stiles in “Save the Last Dance” (not that I've seen that movie or anything, umm let's move on). As for affirmative action, listen, it just makes no sense to me. Imagine you're a black dude (if this is for difficult, listen to Biggie's “Life After Death”, or anything by Justin Timberlake, like I do). You're a black dude. You get a job. You got the job not 'cause you were qualified, but because you're black. What? Isn't that insulting?
I spent the last six months working for the Globe. If I found out that the Globe only hired me because they have to fill a quota for people with an eerie amount of body hair, I'd be pissed off. There are a lot of intelligent black guys out there: Colin Powell, Chris Rock, Montell Williams, the guys from OutKast, 50 Cent (He's worth millions, and has zero talent, that takes an astounding amount of intellect as far as I'm concerned). Black people are smart enough to get their own jobs, so there's no need for a legal mandate forcing the issue. What about racist white employers, you say? Why would you want to work for some dick who's basing his hiring of you on your skin color anyway? Now you know how I feel for not even getting an interview at Hip Zepi. Damnit, I can sell jeans with Fat Albert patches, just give me a fuckin' chance!
4. Taxes. Here's the deal. If you're rich, you pay a shitload of taxes. If you're poor, you don't. What's the fuckin' mystery?
5. Homelessness. I've got the perfect solution to solve homelessness. Create a Homeless NBA. That's right. A. The idea of homeless guys duking it out 5 on 5 would be the funniest thing since David Gest explaining how Liza Minnelli kicked his ass. B. They'd all get a shitload of money for playing a kids game, just like real pros. C. It would be more entertaining than the god-awful WNBA. D. Most homeless are alcoholics and druggies. Well, what sport caters to those two addictions more than basketball? Finally, a league where the phrase “Vin Baker for MVP” would sound logical. Go Celtics!
6. Gun Control. Yes, we all have the right to bear arms. Yes, we have the right to form a militia. But assholes, that was shit specifically designed to stop the British. Well, what threat are the British nowadays, save for Sharon Osbourne and Harry Potter? You don't need a goddamn gun anymore. What about home security? Well, as secure as it is to have a gat hidden in little Tommy or little Susie's toy box, I've got a better solution. Land mines. Fill the front yard with landmines. How cool would that be? You'd be sleeping, all of a sudden, KA-BOOM! “Wow, honey, we just kept another intruder out of our house and away from my coin collection. Swell. Do you mind wiping the guts off the driveway tomorrow?”
And if you must have a gun, Mr. Heston, how about a better screening process than “Name? Age? Favorite Movie With the Duke?” I have a simple three-pronged process to weed out the psychos from the legit gun owners.
Question 1: Do you live in Montana? No? Ok.
Question 2: Do you refer to your house as a shack or shanty? No? Ok.
Question 3: Did your parents make somewhat of an attempt to raise you? Yes? Ok, here's your gun.
7. Women's Rights. Can you vote? Can you work? Can you skank it up for the Girls Gone Wild cameras? What more do you want?
8. Abortion. I, for one, am pro-life. A fat old senator from New Jersey or a Christian Conservative from Nebraska has every right to tell women what they should and shouldn't do with their unborn baby. I mean it's not like it's the woman's body. It's not like she would be the one enduring hours of painful labor, and the endless emotional pain of raising a child on zero income. No, those little issues are completely up to people thousands of miles away based on their own interpretation of a book written thousands of years ago. (By the way, the sarcasm here could choke a fuckin' cow.)
9. The War on Drugs. Legalize everything. That's right. Oh, sure we'd have a few years of insanity, violence, and absurd amounts of people renting “The Wizard of Oz” and claiming: “Dude, if you watch it while listening to Floyd, it's fuckin' trippy!” But after all that, everything would be fine. The government could tax and make shitloads, because there will always be a demand for addiction. Shit, we'd kill off the national debt on April 20th alone. Legalize drugs, eliminate the black market, eliminate dealers killing kids on the street, keep Ludacris from selling any more albums, and have a much more peaceful culture. Just look at Amsterdam, for crying out loud! You never hear about Dutch drive-bys, do you? Hell no.
And while we're at it, there is absolutely no reason why the legal drinking age is 21. None. You want kids to not drink? Here's a thought. Instead of engraining endless drivel about drunk driving deaths and talk about liver cirrhosis, tell your kids the truth about drinking at a young age. Tell them to take it easy, and not drive. That's all. By forcing the issue, you're only wetting the appetite further. If my parents and health teachers told me not to have sex with dogs, I'd be strutting into kennels with a tube of KY and a pack of Marlboros. You plead with kids not to drink, then what? Then kids go to college, knowing nothing about it except that it makes ugly girls wicked hot, they binge and die. It's absolutely ridiculous that I can go to war or play for the Cavaliers, but not have a beer. Absolutely ridiculous.
10. Downloading Music. I'm way to burned out to rant about this, so let me give you the gist. Fuck Metallica! Fuck musicians who claim they are losing money but still own 6 Hummers! Fuck record producers who are amazed people found a better alternative to spending $18 on a pile of shit from Nickelback! Fuck the government for bending over at the will of the record companies and claiming it's OK for people to download a video of a guy blowing a horse, as long as “Freebird” isn't playing in the background! Fuck Metallica, again! Fuck assholes who sue 10 year old girls, and consider settling for only a $2000 fine a “good PR move”! Fuck 'em all! I downloaded eight songs while writing this column, so what do you think of that? Sue me.
***By reading this column, you've contractually accepted that my admission of downloading music cannot be used against me (or my campaign) in a court of law.
So there ya go. Vote for me. Even if you hate me, I'm better than Bush. Am I right? I'm right.