>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
January 18, 2004

A sample of dialogue I had with my friend 2 weeks ago.

FRIEND (prefers to remain nameless): Dude, we should go see Lord of the Rings.
ME: Umm, no.
FRIEND: What? It's gonna be fucking sweet.
ME: Again, no.
FRIEND: But it's our Star Wars!!!

Ok, let's stop for a second. In case you haven't concluded, this column is about my obscene hatred for Lord of the Rings. My therapist says I should outline my anguish, and since I'm really not in the mood to write transition or even full sentences for that matter, here's some of my random anger, bulleted for your pleasure.

* Stop calling it “Our Star Wars”. Were the Star Wars movies even that good to begin with? The effects suck, George Lucas' beard looks like my dog's privates, and R2D2 and C3PO always seemed a little fruity.

“Oh my R2, you have a spark in your hair!”
“Beep beep beep”
“Well, you don't have an arse either but I fucked you up there last night.”

* The LOTR movies are three hours apiece. THREE HOURS! Any movie that's 3 hours long better have a gladiator or Mel Gibson mooning the King.

* It stars Elijah Wood. Goddamn I hate him. Wasn't he on Macaulay Culkin's boat when it sailed off the face of the earth, the good ship Danny Bonaduce? When those two fought in “The Good Son” it was by far the gayest thing I've ever seen. It was like remaking Psycho with the cast of Will and Grace.

* It gives nerds something to do. Now, if you read my response to Sherman IV in my Golden Rules of AIM feedback to the feedback column, you know I hate nerds, not benign nerds like Anthony Michael Hall, but psycho control freak nerds, like the bastards who run my school's file sharing site, and boot me without warning if I mention how much I hate anime. And LOTR nerds are the worst. I mean, I masturbate relentlessly too and have probably spent so much time in front of my computer that the radiation turned one of my balls into a turbine (it purrs when I piss), but I have better things to do than escaping into a lame fantasy about Middle Earth. Buy a fucking Playstation.

* Everyone thinks it's going to win the Oscars. Fuck that. Not that the Oscars mean shit nowadays anyway. Looking back, the wrong movie wins every year. Last year, the best movie was Minority Report and they picked fucking Chicago, because people were starting to think Hollywood was straight. If you ever need proof the Oscars are bullshit, remember, Titanic won 14 of em. Regardless, LOTR should not win any goddamn Oscars, except for “Lamest crock of shit.” Or it could at least share that with Mona Lisa Smile, Legally Blonde 2, The Hulk, Dumb and Dumberer, Justin to Kelly, and Stuck on You.

* Lord of the Rings sucks. Stop giving this movie money. Go see Lost in Translation.