>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
February 20, 2005

I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living should I blast myself?
I'm tired of bein' poor & even worse I'm black
my stomach hurts so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch
Cops give a damn about a negro
pull the trigger kill a nigga he's a hero
Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares
one less hungry mouth on the welfare

“Changes” by Tupac Shakur

I love change. Underwear, socks, oil. Change is always a good thing, even a sex change if that's how you roll. Which is fine. We at Casual Misanthropy wholeheartedly accept and condone your faggot activities. Really, we do. We're trying to be sincere.

Anyway, college students deal with change more than any other demographic? How so? I don't know. It's called a segue. Sue me. And no college student faces change quite like when it's time to produce a new screen name.

I changed my screen name last weekend after three years of tilling the Justify83 field. A little background for those unaware. When, in January 2003 I came up with a new screen name, I gots clever and decided to pun up my red hot first name. Justin. Not too hard. Justincase (Cool band) Justintime (This ain't the fifties). I went with Justify. Of course, just two weeks later, that no talent pillow biter Timberlake busted out a joint named Justified, just so I'd look a total ass. Using the Office Space “Why should I change? He's the one who sucks!” rationale, I kept it, much to the eternal glee of those who made busting my balls a contact sport (You know who you are).

Now, after two years, I felt the time was ripe for a new screen name. I decided the easiest angle to make this staggering minutiae into a column would be a five-step method to adapting a new screen name, so here you go:

Step 1: The name.
This isn't as easy as it sounds. Some people use nicknames. Some people like to be ghetto. What the blue hell is Joe Suburbia doing with GhettoPimp420? Nothing of value. Stay true to your nicknames, even if it is Douchebag. I don't think Douchebag2121 is taken.

Step 2: Kicking AOL's ass.
Once you've settled on a name, it's time to go toe-to-type with the AOL Big Brother Nazi machine. First, make sure your screen name isn't taken. I'll ruin the suspense for you. It is. But don't worry, AOL provides a series of lovely alternatives that make perfect sense. Par exemple, let's say you want the nickname GiantWANG83. Naturally half of China and half of Japan have that name. (Wang is very popular in Asialand, so is the number 83). But fear not, AOL gives you such sensible alternatives as GiWadfg12348 and Wanghrgtjwks93834757. Oh. Cool. That conveys the same message.

Step 3: The Buddy List.
You can't be a screen name without a buddy list, and if you can, you call your computer a Shine Box, and eat tuna without opening the can. You can be lazy and leave an away message in the waning days of Old Screen name letting others in on the fact that you will be soon living under a different alias. Granted, if anyone is lazy like me you don't bother adjusting your buddy list, and simply wait for the situation to present itself. That's how the War in Iraq is run. Or you could be a doll and IM all 4 ppl on your BL and give the 411, then choke on your own abbreviations you lazy ballbag.

Step 4: I am the lord your God, you shall have no other Gods besides me.
Okay, that's a commandment, but that's just good sense. Jesus rocks!

Step 5: Living your new life.
It won't be easy. New friends. Seeing yourself in a different section of the buddy list. Trying to remember your current screen name when enlisting for a hardcore online escort service. If you are looking for an online escort, peruse www.tubgirl.com. Don't listen to what others have told you. Flying fecal matter is just hearsay. Really. See for yourself.

I have a new screen name. No you can't have it. I mean you can guess and just cold-IM people. That's some life you have.